Monday, March 21, 2016

Blogspot: The place I go to say things I don't feel comfortable saying on Facebook...because friends and family shouldn't know this much about me; ever. 

Once, a long time ago, far far away, there was a place. I went to this place as often as I could. All of the people in this place cheered for one another. Everyone said, "You can do it." and you did. And it was good. There were no fails. 

The place made me believe I could. I could lift 5 more lbs. I could run half a mile further. I could row another 5 minutes. I kept track. I achieved. If I could do THAT, I could - anything. 
I could.
I could save myself.
I DESERVED to save myself. I COULD. 


I did. 
But the place went away. The voices stilled. Some of the voices changed to other voices that still said, "You deserve." and "You can do." and "You are good.". For a while, I believed them. But the marks on my yardstick stopped moving forward. I wasn't lifting 5 more pounds or running a half mile. I was deteriorating. The cuff tore. I couldn't lift anymore. I was sidelined. 
I felt fail.
I drank to fill it up. 
I indulged in bad habits.
I ate badly. 
I hid - because that was easier than facing.

Now...now I'm facing. But I don't have the voices. No, I do have them, I just no longer hear them. 
Catastrophizing. I've become.....learned behavior. Bad, learned behavior. 

Back there - at the top of this idiot dissertation - I said, "I DESERVED to save myself." 
Now I have to accept what I've done. What I'm doing. Who I've hurt.
What do I deserve now?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_-6BEG5VNo

5 comments:

Christina (www.typearls.com.ng) said...

wow, your reasons are awesome

mittens said...

Everyone has physical limits as well as emotional ones. You can push yourself only so far (lift that weight, run an extra half mile) and then the body starts to warn you about it. Which is why your rotator cuff went wonky. Which is why your knees will start to bother after running.
The secret is not to push yourself to the edge of what you can do, but to maintain the level you are at, whether it's weights, or speed, or distance, or whatever your discipline is.

One thing to get rid of is the word "fail". Another thing to get rid of is the idea that you can succeed beyond your natural limits and if you mess up, it's somehow your fault, your lack, your shortcomings. It really really isn't. And "fail" doesn't enter into it. (Really) =)

hitaakademi said...

Ankara'nın en iyi broşür dağıtım şirketi olan
ankara broşür dağıtım hizmette
sinir tanimiyor...

شركة مكافحة الحمام بالرياض said...

شركةالالمانية
شركة للتنظيف
شركة المثالية
شركة المثالية
شركة المثالية
شركة مكافحة الحمام بالدمام
شركة مكافحة الحمام بابها

H R said...

Great Thanks

طراحی سايت

طراحی وب سايت

طراحی اسلايدر

سئو

طراحی لوگو

درب اتوماتیک

راهبند

کرکره اتوماتیک

درب اتوماتیک پارکینگ

درب اتوماتیک شیشه ای