9-15-05 To Do List:

It's just wrong to have so much to do on a day off.
Oh well, I guess if you ignore the honeydoos long enough, they come back to haunt you.

Today's To Do List:

1. Shower and dress
2. Balance Checkbook
3. Pay Bills
4. Start Laundry
5. Grocery Shop
6. Drop Bills at Post Office
7. Wash Dishes
8. Start Dinner (Crockpot Roast...Mmmmm.)
9. Finish Laundry

All this to be done in the next 4 hrs. UGH.

I'd almost rather be at work.

9-14-05 Is it wednesday already?

Ok...I need to know if anyone can tell me how to backup all these blogs.
I had a webpage a very long time ago. Angelfire hosed me and I lost the whole thing.

Does anyone have a clue how to copy all this stuff so I can add it to my memoirs when I'm old??

9-13-05 THE GALLERY IS OPEN

Ok kiddos, have yourself a ball. The Gallery is open.
Criticize, critique or just laugh heartily. I thrive on it.

Enjoy.

9-13-05 Breakfast Cake!

MMMmmmmm....breakfast cake. What's better than that?!
(There's a Bill Cosby routine going in my head. "Cake has flour and milk and eggs....")

I AM ON VACATION. Woohoo. I can't tell you how great it is to just sit home, knowing I have time on my hands and NO responsibilities. I needed this. Major downtime. It's great to move at my own pace. Have a little coffee. Take a long shower. DO NOT fix my hair. DO NOT put on makeup. I'm in heaven!

Linny, in response to your last post: I have not drawn much in the past 11 years. The previous career took that from me. Took it right out of me to be honest.
Like you, I cannot draw stick figures. Well, I can draw one. It looks like the little guy in the game hang-man. That's pretty much it for stick-figure-poses.
I also cannot draw a straight line. Never could. Far too anal retentive.
I've never been able to draw in ink either. Too much of a committment, I think.
I draw in shades, not lines. I smudge and erase. It's my...um..tecnique. It is what seem natural to me.

Thank you for the compliments on the Stephanie Seymore drawing. The Karen sketch was a rare thing for me. I did it in 5 hours on a Saturday. This has never been the case for me. Stephanie took the better part of 5 days.

For me, drawing requires that I get "in the zone". It's a sort of unconscious-subconscious state. Time passes very quickly there.
More often than not, I do not even see the composition as I am drawing it and I am ALWAYS surprised when it is complete. It is a beautiful and humbling experience for me.

On that note Linny, you have inspired me to seek out some of my old drawings. I have time on my hands today and I'm going to go treasure hunting. Stand by for the results of the search.

And Trée, I MIGHT have found a photo of me that isn't too awful. We'll see if I break my anonymity and put it up here somewhere.
;)

9-12-05 Happy Birthday to YOOOUUUU

Today is my husband's 45th birthday.

No honey, you do not look a day over 37.

(I, of course, am a 25yr old trophy-wife!)

(singing offkey) "Haaaappy, happy birthday baaaaaby."

9-11-05 Remembering

I remember where I was. I remember every moment.
4 years is not enough to heal the pain of loved ones lost.

Memorial List

9-9-05 American Heart Association

I wish you could meet this girl. She's one of the sweetest people I've ever known. She has a charm and a smile that lights up the world around her.
Please read below.

From: Gena Elam
Hello!

I am participating in the Katy Heart Walk this year to raise money for the American Heart Association. Each year it becomes more important to me. The money that is raised will go towards research to help find ways to sustain my personal health and the health of many others like me. Research on how to improve transplants and other operations could help me in the future. This money will also go towards research pertaining to heart disease and stroke, which are the Number 1 and Number 3 killers among adults in our nation right now. I have a goal to reach, and if you can, I am asking for your donation to this cause. How ever much or little will be greatly appreciated and beneficial.

You can help me reach my goal by making a donation online. Click on the link below and you will be taken to my personal donation page where you can make a secure online credit card donation. The American Heart Association's online fundraising website has a minimum donation amount of $25.00. If you prefer to donate less, you can do so by sending a check directly to me.

Follow This Link to visit my personal web page and help me in my efforts to support TXA - Katy, TX

Thank you in advance for all your help and support.

9-8-05 Politics

I don't generally discuss politics. Every person has their own perspective and it is not my right to push mine on others. Same goes for religion. This issue is so prevelant, however, that I'm going to do it anyway. I'm angry now.

Our president is lobbying to change our Constitution. Mr. Bush would like to amend the Consitution of the United States and repeal the 22nd amendment. Simply put, he and his party would like to remain in the White House indefinitely. Trust that the hanging chads will assure the results. (Democracy or Dictatorship??)

In my lifetime, I have never been so willing to vote. I'd like to vote today please. Let's amend the 22nd amendment to say that the people (You remember us, right? The country?)can choose term limit in the middle of the term. How's that? (Can you say "impeach"?) Only two more years of dodgeball. Then maybe we can get someone in there who can pronouce "re sesssss ion". (and "nuculer" haha)

MSNBC Attacks the Bush Administration

9-7-05 Small Miracles

We mark the days now in small miracles.
At 11pm Sunday night, he jumped from the windowsill with a little spring in his step. We cheered.
At 2am Monday morning, I checked on him and thought "If he jumps up on the bed again, then we'll know he's ok." but I knew he never would. The bed's too high and he's too small and old. At 2:05am he jumped on the bed. All by himself. No coaxing. Like he had heard me wishing. He lay down between us, in that place where he can feel us breathing, and he purred. I lay awake the rest of the night just feeling his presence.
At 7am Tuesday morning he pounced my ankle. He even took a nibble. I laughed out loud and begged him to do it again. (the little sneak)
Again he chose to sleep with us last night.
This morning we found him sleeping on his normal spot on the stairs. Maybe he's craving routine. Our routine has gone far awry. I'm ready to return to it as well. He seems so much better.

The vet gave us amoxicillin. I can't bring myself to give it to Pooh. Clavamox is the same thing. I don't trust it. I can't backslide now.
For the sake of documenting date/time and events: His fructosamine is 333. That's good. Both vets were impressed at his glucose levels and how well we've maintained them all these years. (I still think 333 is too high!)
Unfortunately, his liver levels are tragic. Things that should be 75 at max are in the 300 range. Hepatic. (although he's not jaundiced-how odd) We don't know the cause and without biopsy we won't know the cure. There are things we can do but they would all be experimental. Hopeful guessing.
The fact is that he turns 16yrs old this month. That makes him about 80 in human years. I keep wishing for "one more year". I've gotten that wish time and again.
I'm settling into the fact that these moments are the final. I will laugh at every silly thing he does. I will assure that he eats whatever he wants. I will pet and cuddle and play...and pray. And when his time comes, I will be entirely inconsolable. So will my hubby. And that is all we can do.

9-5-05 Vigil

We spent the entire night, minute by minute, in constant vigil over our little black cat. We think he was having an allergic reaction to Clavamox. He was barely coherent and stumbled about when trying to walk. We spent the dark night silently praying he would be with us this morning.

He is. He has a good appetite now. Light of day, maybe he'll be fine.

The Clavamox was prescribed Saturday morning. We've given it to him three times since. The first two he reacted as if it tasted horrible. He would paw at his mouth while walking, sort of stumbling while he did. He eventually knocked out the abcessed tooth. Still, he needs the antibiotic.
I diluted the prescription and gave him half the dose with a pain pill. When he reacted last night, I was sure he was dying from it. I was sure I had poisoned the baby.
To love him so much and then to be the death of him? How could I live with that?
Thank you God for leaving him with us. Maybe that God found mercy on me...with all the begging I did.

No meds today. Back to the vet tomorrow.

9-4-05 Digression

Each day, at work, I have a task to do. It is the same every day. It requires reading aloud.
I am so distracted lately that I decided I would "be in the moment" while doing the task. I would pay attention to the letters and numbers as I read them. Their positions on the page. My voice inflections as I read. I tried to be wholly in the task.
It took no more than 10 seconds before I was off again.
I find myself all at once reading, speaking, listening to unrelated conversations, daydreaming, worrying, planning. All at once.

It is time to get some things off my mind. There is much happening in my life. I must regain some focus. (NOTE: The following rants are my feelings at this moment in my life. I'm allowed to have them even if no one agrees with them. Even if I'm just some rediculous, tyrannical, middle-class, screaming housewife.)

1. Subcutaneous Fluids

2. Amassing Debt

3. Regrets

4. It Wasn't Supposed To Be Like This (A completely closed-minded political perspective with very little basis in reality)

5. Meeting Ends?

9-4-05 Sunday Services

Prayer for Those Whose Loved Ones Are Missing

Loving God, the hope and protector of all humankind; bless those whose loved ones are missing. The agony of not knowing whether someone is living or dead is a daily torture. The uncertainty of life’s future relationships hangs in limbo. Hope rides a roller coaster. Yet each day must be lived. Give unto your people the blessing of your grace that they may face each day with courage and hope. Guard their families from further danger and harm and hold them in the blessing of your love. Amen.
-- Vienna Cobb Anderson, from "Prayers of Our Hearts" © 1991 Vienna Cobb Anderson. Reprinted with the permission of the author.


***
Prayer of Comfort

Grant unto us, Almighty God, in all time of sore distress,
the comfort of the forgiveness of our sins.
In time of darkness give us blessed hope,
in time of sickness of body give us quiet courage;
and when the heart is bowed down, and the soul is very heavy,
and life is a burden, and pleasure a weariness,
and the sun is too bright, and life too mirthful,
then may that Spirit, the Spirit of the Comforter, come upon us,
and after our darkness may there be the clear shining of the heavenly light;
that so, being uplifted again by Thy mercy,
we may pass on through this our mortal life
with quiet courage, patient hope, and unshaken trust,
hoping through Thy loving-kindness and tender mercy
to be delivered from death into the large life of the eternal years.
Hear us of Thy mercy, through Jesus Christ our Lord – Amen.

***
Do Not Lose Heart

Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)


***
Prayer for Freedom From Suffering

May all beings everywhere plagued
with sufferings of body and mind
quickly be freed from their illnesses.
May those frightened cease to be afraid,
and may those bound be free.
May the powerless find power,
and may people think of befriending
one another.
May those who find themselves in trackless,
fearful wilderness--
the children, the aged, the unprotected--
be guarded by beneficent celestials,
and may they swiftly attain Buddhahood.
-- The Buddha

********
Beliefnet

9-3-05 Symbols

I know there are those who collect support symbols, ribbons, wristbands, of life's disasters. I've never been one of those people (although I do wear the pink ribbon for breast cancer, but only after donating and I buy a new one yearly).
For those of you who are interested, and because all proceeds are donated, here is the link. They are not expensive. Buy them by the box. Katrina colors are blue and white.


Katrina Relief Symbols

9-3-05 The Delivery

This is an 8 minute animated movie. I found it very moving when I first watched it (a year or so ago). If you have the time, and broadband connection, please enjoy.

The Delivery

A shout-out to the creator/keeper of Wimp.com. She took the time to make it available to us here. Thanks much.

9-2-05 Grief

I have returned to this theory often in my life. This knowledge helps me find patience and empathy for those who are suffering.
I find that I am evaluating our country by it now.

The 5 stages of grief.
-Denial
-Anger/Blame
-Bargaining
-Depression
-Acceptance

I've heard it said that a person doesn't truly BEGIN to heal until they've passed through the 5 stages. They then may experience the following:

-Accept the reality of the loss
-Experience the pain of the loss
-Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
-Reinvest in the new reality

As a country, are we experiencing the "Anger/Blame" stage now?

(Postscript: Grief is a very individual experience. These stages are not always experienced in order. Some may not experience all of the stages. A person who remains "trapped" in one stage for an overwhelming period of time may need medical attention.)

9-2-05 It just takes one IDIOT

Ok, so I'm at work today and I happen by two men talking. With great enthusiasm, one is telling the other this: "That hurricane was a terrorist act. Russia and China have been experimenting with weather control for decades."

In my life, I cannot recall wanting to punch a man in the face more than that moment. What a raging idiot. For the record, I'm fairly certain that the word "aliens" was used in the same conversation.

Furthermore, I have located (but will not disclose) websites that are touting this theory. It sickens me.

If that were the case, I would not care. Human lives are lost and in misery and not getting the help they need. How dare anyone waste a second of petty thought on something so disgusting. DO SOMETHING USEFUL YOU JERKOFF!!
I bet he would think I'm in some kind of denial. I still want to punch him.

9-2-05 TGIF

Thank goodness it's Friday and a holiday weekend.
All who can should hug their loved ones close. I know I will.

September 1, 2005

Balancing the Box

Something to think about.

8-31-05 Far Reaching Implications

Please know that I value human life above all other issues here. However, I worked in transportation for 12 years and I cannot ignore the impact this is already having.
All of the residents of Southern Louisiana are without work. Nationwide, truckers will begin to lose their livelihoods as well. A lot of these people are long-time friends who work very hard to get by.
Manufacturers will recoup their losses from consumers.
The whirling winds have not stopped.

"We are receiving multiple reports of diesel shortage in the south east due to the hurricane. Truck stops are reporting they are out of diesel or limiting purchases to 50 gallons. This has the potential to create late deliveries and inconsistent transit times until the supply of fuel meets demand. The effects of this shortage in other regions is not known yet - but expected to expand as the supply runs out in the south east. "

Deisel Fuel Market Report

Here are some locations and the status of the fuel as of 9:00 AM today:

-NASHVILLE, TN: I-24, JAMES ROBERTSON PKWY @ EXIT 48. ACCESS LOC # 5041. OUT OF FUEL.
-ANTIOCH, TN: I-24 @ EXIT 62. ACCESS LOC# 768. OUT OF FUEL.
-FRANKLIN, TN: I-65 @ EXIT 61. ACCESS LOC# 706. OUT OF FUEL.
-HURRICANE, WV: I-64 @ EXIT 39. ACCESS LOC# 198. OUT OF FUEL.
-ASHLAND, VA: I-95 & RT54 @ EXIT 92. ACCESS LOC# 5045. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-RICHMOND, VA: I-95 @ EXIT 89. ACCESS LOC# 210. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-ROANOKE, VA: I-81 & US 220 @ EXIT 150. ACCESS LOC# 5046. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-WYTHEVILLE,VA: I-77, EXIT 41. ACCESS LOC# 217. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-SPARTANBURG, SC: I-85 & SR290 @ EXIT 63. ACCESS LOC# 5039. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-ATLANTA, GA: I-285E, EXIT 53, HWY 160. ACCESS LOC # 5010. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MADISON, GA: I-20 & US 441 @ EXIT 114. ACCESS LOC # 676. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MERIDIAN, MS: I-20 & I-59 @ EXIT 160. ACCESS LOC # 756. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MATTHEWS, MO: I-55 & HIGHWAY 80 @ EXIT 58. ACCESS LOC # 701. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-CARTERSVILLE, GA: I-75 @ EXIT 296. ACCESS LOC # 5071. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-CORDELE, GA: I-75 @ EXIT 97. ACCESS LOC # 5080. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-COMMERCE, GA: I-85 & US 441 @ EXIT 149. ACCESS LOC # 677. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION
-MANNING, SC: I-95 & SR 261 @ EXIT 119. ACCESS LOC # 213. LOW ON FUEL 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-WHITESTOWN, IN: I-65 STATE ROAD 334 @ EXIT 130. ACCESS LOC # 306. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-EDINBURG, TX: 8301 NORTH HIGHWAY 281. ACCESS LOC # 5085. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MOBILE, AL: I-10 @ EXIT 4. ACCESS LOC # 778. LOCATION OUT OF SERVICE DUE TO KATRINA.
-SLIDELL, LA: I-10 @ EXIT 266. ACCESS LOC # 725. LOCATION OUT OF SERVICE DUE TO KATRINA.

8-31-05 Zebra

We are all human. This disaster knows no prejudice.

I got this in an e-mail today from a local promoter of the band Zebra. I feel it only right to spread his message.
Lead singer, Randy Jackson's call to arms:

************************************************
For those who may be wondering, I heard from Randy this morning. He said Guy and his girlfriend Barbara are in Texas.

Jim McGinnis (BIGJ), Zebra's booking agent, and his wife Pam have not been heard from yet. Also, Felix has a longtime boyhood friend, Danny, and his wife Debbie they have not heard from as well.

Recent message from Randy:

ZEBRA FRIENDS,

THE COUNTRY NEEDS TO MOVE IN NOW. THE WHOLE COUNTRY. RED TAPE OR ANY
OTHER BUSINESS WON'T BE AN EXCUSE AFTER THE NEXT 48 HOURS IS OVER.
CALL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. TELL THEM TO CALL EVERYONE THEY KNOW. GET
EVERY HELICOPTER TO FLY BOATS TO RESCUE PEOPLE TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
THIS IS NOT A MOVIE. STOP WATCHING TV AND TAKE ACTION. TIME IS RUNNING
OUT AND I GUARANTEE THEY CAN'T FIX THE LEVEES IN TIME. WE CAN ONLY TRY
TO SAVE AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.
ANY LESS ELSE IS UNFORGIVABLE.

I'M ALSO ASKING EVERYONE WHO READS THIS TO DONATE MONEY TODAY TO THE
RED CROSS, NOT TOMORROW - TODAY. $100.00 WOULD BE NICE. A MILLION
DOLLARS WOULD BE BETTER. THIS IS GONNA TAKE BILLIONS AND BILLIONS.
IF YOU CAN'T DONATE JUST CALL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND TELL THEM
THAT THERE IS A MADMAN IN A ROCKBAND WHO IS SCREAMING FOR HELP. THE
WATER IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY.

I SUGGEST THE RED CROSS
http://www.redcross.org

or 1-800-HELP-NOW
1-800-435-7669

PLEASE CALL OR EMAIL EVERYONE YOU CAN !!!

I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON YOU!

RANDY JACKSON
******************************************************

8-31-05 Naming

While reading a book on creative writing I ran across the following exercise. I found it an interesting thing to ponder:
My real name is:
Yesterday my name was:
Tomorrow my name will be:
In my dreams my name is:

The idea is to come up with creative ways to "name" yourself.
My current solution to the above:

My real name is: "Always Learning Child"
Yesterday my name was: "Confused Meloncholy Broken Fairy"
Tomorrow my name will be: "Giving Back Warrior"
In my dreams my name is: "Content Aged Artist"

8-30-05 Human Kindness is Overflowing

I am always impressed by the coming together of humanity and charity at times like these.
My "favorite" is Feed the Children who's owner, Larry Jones, I have worked with personally in my past. He is a man who "gets it".

Here are a number of other groups helping out:
Network for Good
2The Advocate
Kodiak-Terra USA, Inc
Nascar Anheuser-Busch Donates Water


And please don't forget the flood of homeless pets being evacuated to Houston via the Humane Society.
Humane Society

8-29-05

Photos from the storm

8-29-05 Katrina cont'd

When all the dark clouds roll away

And the sun begins to shine

I see my freedom from across the way

And it comes right in on time

Well it shines so bright

and it gives so much light

And it comes from the sky above

Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me

And lights my life with love

And it seems like and it feels like

And it seems like yes it feels like

A brand new day, yeah

A brand new day oh

Still praying

8-29-05 THIS will require a Pop Tart

It is 12:58a.m. Monday morning. Insomnia strikes with a wicked, taunting voice. "Not tonight dearie. No sleep for you." I toss. I turn. Out of sheer sympathy I drag myself out of my fresh, clean Sunday night sheets. My restlessness cannot keep my dear husband from his much needed slumber.

Down the stairs I creep. I tiptoe across the cold kitchen tiles. I must get my hands on the antidote. I open the cabinet and I reach for the sweet kryptonite. The one thing that can keep this beast at bay:



(He looks frightened, doesn't he? He should. He never had a chance. Bwwahahahaha)

8-28-05 spam

Sorry about the word verification on posts. When I got one from something called "circlejerkoff" that pretty much ended the spamming for me.
Also, if it works, I think the comments will be in a popup window. Not real sure about that one.

8-28-05 Katrina

Hang on Gulf Coast, this could get ugly.
Click the pic to see an amazing "close up" of New Orleans.

8-28-05 DANCIN

Stare at it for about a minute. You will feel the need to move playing in your muscles.
I find it goes well with Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight". :)

8-28-05 Brain Spam

Brain Spam
Please go read this very long, very tragic, and very amusing post about Sears' Customer Service.
Halfway through you will find yourself completely amazed at Cat's incredible patience. What a test for any human being.

Tell me Trée, does the "do no harm" principle apply to corporate infrastructure as well? If so, I lose. lol I'm still working on "when sleeping, sleep."

8-20-05 The Kiss

I've learned a very odd thing about Rodin's sculpture The Kiss; to search it on the net, one will find it only from this perspective. Isn't that odd? It is a 3-dimensional sculpture. I've seen it.
Anyway, The Kiss is by far one of my favorites and it conveys my mood-at-the-moment.

8-26-05 Completley Green

8-26-05 Two Angels

8-25-05 You can only hide for so long....

So much for anonymity. Did you know we're all searchable?

My Blogshare Info

Check it out...in case you're on there too. Interesting stuff.

8-24-05 Pensive

1. Deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful. 2. Suggestive or expressive of melancholy thoughtfulness.

What a difference a day can make.
Previously I alluded to a time when I gave freely what I had to give. Yesterday I was on the receiving end of that. Karmic return, I suppose...and not one iota less than grateful for it.

This receiving has run me through a gamut of emotions though. How odd.
Excessively thankful, somewhat deserving, wholly liberating, fearful, concerned, and now melancholy.
I feel like a child let loose in a toystore and told to choose only one toy. I took great time in deciding just the right toy. Now that I have the toy home, I want more...or I feel I chose the wrong toy.
It's all very odd.

It matters not a whit. I was thought of. I was cared for. I was befriended. I was validated.
These things are far more important than my silly moodswings.
Maybe I'll find the right toy to mark the occasion. Something that will last and forever remind me that, for a moment, I felt worthy.

8-23-05 The Meaning of Life

I return to this often. The words of a modern-day poet.

"The meaning of life is the feeling you get when you tap into the infinite flow of love: when you give yourself, heart & soul to someone else: when you sit and watch your kids open Christmas presents: when you hug your Mom on Mother's Day, and play catch in the backyard with your Dad on Father's Day: when you hold a newborn baby in your arms and smell it's sweet scalp, and it coos and gurgles at you, laughing without teeth: when you sit beside your teenaged daughter in the front seat, teaching her how to drive. The meaning of life becomes apparent when you get the opportunity to sincerely say "I'm sorry", and the apology is genuinely accepted. The meaning of life is the thing that makes you feel golden when you do something charitable, when you do something selfless purely on an ethical principle, when you live by the Golden Rule and it manages to Rule The World for a sweet moment.
The meaning of life is when you stand on a hilltop and you can hear a symphony, even though there's no music. The meaning of life is what you feel in your bones when you know you're hearing truth, or experiencing justice. The meaning of life is found in a steaming hot cup of tea when you really, really need it. The meaning of life is found when you open your tool box and can lay your mitts on EXACTLY the right tool for the job at hand. The meaning of life is in the morning dew on the grass, and written in the stars across the heavens. It's written in the clouds that stretch beyond the horizon, in the current of the river, in the gravity we all occasionally defy, and the wind that fills our sails. The meaning of life flows between us when we can put out trust in one another: it sings in our blood when we can take someone in our arms who we love more than life itself, look them in the eye, and have the chance to say, "I love you" - and hear them say "I love you too"."
~Rik Emmett~

8-22-05 You'd think I'd be used to it.

I grew up in Texas. Worse than that, I grew up in HOUSTON. As a kid, we ran around in jeans all summer long. We weren't allowed to wear shorts to school. We never gave it a thought. The heat never even slowed us down.

You would think I'd be used to it by now.
Heat! I think our tolerance for it grows much shorter as we get older.
I slept not one wink last night because the bedroom just wouldn't cool down.

J, hon....don't move here. It's harsh in August.

8-20-05 Finally......

I have not drawn anything of any real substance for more than 10 years. Today my muse nailed me with a sledgehammer. It was beautiful.

I do not know the name of the model. I am naming this drawing "Karen" to forever remind me of the kindness of strangers, stories of starfish, the land of bloggers and this sublime Saturday.

"Smiles are free on Saturdays." I love that!

8-20-05 It's all good...

It's a beautiful day. The coffee's warm, the house is clean and all of my artistic notions are tugging at me. it is Saturday. I have no responsiblities. Today is a good day. I intend to revel in it entirely.

The Book of Questions #161
"If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress?"

8-19-05 Name That Tune

Today's mood?

Name That Tune :)

"Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord
I believe all the way"

8-18-05 Quotes and Meditations

Hahaha! Apropos reading materials today.

Today's Quote
"Reputation is character minus what you’ve been caught doing."
-Michael Iapoce


And today's Meditation:
(From "365 Buddha: Daily Meditations")
"Trivial thoughts, insignificant thoughts,
When followed they distract the mind.
Not understanding those thoughts
The roaming mind runs back and forth.
But by understanding those thoughts
One ardent and mindful restrains the mind.
An awakened one has overcome them completely
So they do not arise to distract the mind."
-Udana

8-17-05 The mood of the day

It is 6:45a.m.
I have no mood yet. The day has yet to form. The happenings of this first hour can make or break the day for me.

I am seeking something inspirational. I am working to find a good frame of mind.
I am trying to leave yesterday's embarrassing moment behind.
It is right to wake up with hope.
I hope today is a good day.

***The Buddha was invited by a Brahman to have a meal in his house. But when he arrived, the Brahman greeted him strangely, with a torrent of abuse.

Politely, the Buddha asked, “Do visitors come to your home, good Brahman?”
“Yes.”
“What preparations do you make for them?”
“We get ready a great feast.”
”What happens if they don’t arrive?”
“Then we gladly eat it ourselves.”

“Well, Brahman, you’ve invited me for a meal and you’ve entertained me with hard words. I want nothing from your preparation. So please take it back and eat it yourselves.”

“Never retaliate in kind,” the Buddha told his followers. “Hatred does not come to an end through hatred but can only cease through generosity.”

-Jataka Tale

8-16-05 Changing for the worse...

I cannot believe my actions today. In frustration and anger I said something derogatory about a group of co-workers. Furthermore, I did it in e-mail. I can't believe I did it. It was unprofessional and disrespectful and entirely unlike me.
I have no excuse for it.
To top that, the e-mail was forwarded to the group of people and I got my just desserts for it. I had it coming. I accept that blame.

What has happened to me? I was a top-dog, highly-respected professional no more than two years ago. I would not have dreamed of spouting off in such a childish way. Is it because I am not "challenged" by my work? Is it because I am frustrated with my lack of autonomy? Never-the-less, I CHOSE this job. I chose this position and I cannot allow the day-to-dayness of it to erode my character.

Shame on me. I will learn from this and I will not allow that to happen again!

8-16-05 The Book of Questions #12

"If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either body or mind of a 30-yar-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?"

8-16-05 Children's movies?

My husband and I, on occasion, will indulge in a children's movie. We grew up with Disney Sunday Night movies. We have a warm spot in our hearts for them.

Last night we watched Two Brothers (not Disney). This is a children's movie of the "Free Willy" type. It is "designed" to create awareness and sympathy toward the endangerment of wild Tigers. It was a horrible movie to watch. I would never let a child watch it. The body count is far too high.

I am having a real problem with children's movies now. It seems they are following the same plot line. The child figures are seperated from the parent figures. More often than not, the parents are killed off. Please explain why it is necessary to kill the parents. Nemo watched his mother die and then lost his father. Two Brothers switched characters but played out the same. Lemony Snicket killed the children's parents in a fire. I could name 5 more if I took the time to think about it.

Is this really something children need to be exposed to? I understand that the plotlines are trying to relate to the child by letting the child characters be independent of parental rule. Send them on vacation or something. Why must they be permanently offed?
Ok, Bambi did it with great success. (I still fast forward through that scene. I was traumatized by it as a child.) Is it really a good idea to put into a child's head the notion that the one thing that makes them feel safe can be taken away from them? Is it necessary for their development in some way?

I feel this plotline is overdone and it is time to grow.

Adult Bedtime Stories #1

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Suddenly I'm BOT Central

WTF? I try to pretty the place up a bit and suddenly I'm attacked by bots. I have two bot comments on the last post and when I delete them, magically appears two more.
Egad. Everybody loves Magical Trevor. Wish I could banish bots to the parallel dimension.
Die bots! Die!

I got tagged by a Fribbit.

"List ten songs you are currently digging....it doesn't matter what genre, or if they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists and the tens songs on your Blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to"

1. Al Stewart - Year of the Cat "...she comes running like a watercolor in the rain."

2. The Beatles - In My Life "...in my life, I loved them all."

3. Jackson Browne - The Pretender "...I'm gonna find myself a girl who can show me what laughter means. And we'll fill in the missing colors in each other's paint-by-number dreams."

4. Pablo Cruise - Cool Love "...it's like rain in the summertime, comin down."

5. Rik Emmett - Between The Dreams of You and I "...hear the echoes of the ages. Feel the rhythm of the tides. The truth keeps coming down into that place where love resides."

6. Rush - Freewill "...Each of us a cell of awareness, imperfect and incomplete. Genetic blends with uncertain ends on a fortune hunt that's way too fleet."

7. Triumph - Writing on the Wall "...I am up here, walkin on a tightrope, but I never paused to think that I could fall."

8. Alan Parsons Project - Games People Play "...where do we go from here now that all the children are growin up? And how do we spend our time knowing nobody gives us a damn?"

9. John Mellencamp - I Need a Lover "...who won't drive me crazy. Some girl who know's the meaning of 'hey hit the highway'"

10. Live - White, Discussion"...and when the final sunset rolls behind the earth and the clock is finally dead. I'll look at you and you'll look at me, we'll cry a lot, and this will be what we said, 'Look where all this talking got us baby.'"

Ok, I don't know five bloggers to tag so feel free to join in Trée and Monk :)

8-9-05 For Trée's Vacation

This one's for you Trée. :) (And for me, living vicariously through you.)

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
There's lots of those friendly people
Showin me ways to go
And I never want to lose your inspiration

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so pre-arranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I was born in the sign of water
And it's there that I feel my best
The albatross and the whales
they are my brothers
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Starin' at the full moon
like a lover

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so prearranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I've never been romantic
And sometimes I don't care
I know it may sound selfish
But let me breathe the air

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Staring at the full moon like a lover
~Little River Band~

8-9-05 Blogging to you live....

"3,419 miles to touch down at Edwards Airforce Base. Banking to the left with wings angled 80 degrees horizontal. 24 minutes to touch down."

I live in Texas. I recall the last Shuttle re-entry. I thought I would not watch this one. I find it is not morbid fascination that peaks my interest this morning. It is prayer. It is hope. Fingers are crossed and I am watching the NASA screens.
This is something my father has always been fascinated by. I have watched in the past, in my own sort of awe. However, this always makes me reflect on the fact that my father remembers the very first space launches. How amazing that must have been.
I suspect he is reminded of that boyish excitement each time we do this now.

6:48a.m. CST "Discovery's speed 15,000 mph. Altitude 43miles." (Seriously. Let that sink in!)

6:53a.m. CST "Discovery's speed 13,600 mph. 1,450 miles to Edwards Airforce Base."

6:57a.m. CST "speed is mach 17 (11,500mph). Descending through 194,000 feet. 1,000 miles from E.A.B. 13minutes to touch down on runway 22"

7:00a.m. CST "Banking back to the left, the third of four banks Discovery performs to dissipate speed. 470 miles to touch down"
"Discovery Houston Ground Track is all "GO"."

7:05a.m. CST "As the shuttle begins it's aproach to E.A.B it will perform a right overhead 196 degree turn to align with the runway. Now 155 miles out.
-21miles 3,200 miles p/h. Forth bank. En route to the 50th landing for a space shuttle at E.A.B. 7.5 minutes to touch down. (From the naked eye it is a flaming white ball in the night sky)
-"Discovery Houston, take air data." Speed 2,000 mph 81 miles to touch down. Altitude 80,000 feet. (Beginning to take shape. A bright white triangle.)
-Mach 1.5 at 7:07a.m. (We have clear visual of the wings)
-Just over 4 minutes to touchdwon now. 28 miles out. Pilot Jim Kelly piloting the Discovery as it goes sub-sonic.
-7:10 Now at 30,000 feet. Descent to the runway is 20 times steeper than that of a commercial airline descent.
-7:11 22,000 feet
-7:11 Discovery has the runway in sight. (the nose is bright white)
-7:11 7,000 feet
-seconds later 5,000 feet
-then 3 miles to touch down
-1,000 feet Landing gear down and locked.
-Main gear touch down.
-Drag chute deployed.
-Nose gear touch down.

And discovery is home. Welcome home friends.
Whew.

8-8-05 Peter Jennings

Goodnight Mr. Jennings. We have seen so much through your eyes. Thank you.

8-6-05 Another perspective

I was watching a show about some 60s political protesters and where they are now. One very important protester was sharing her current views on the Iraq war. She said something that struck me odd.

"I don't believe that I've been told everything about our policy in invading Iraq. Saddam Hussein was on OUR side. We supported and identified him as the leader of Iraq. And now, we've come into Iraq to liberate the people for their freedom. We don't want Iraq. We don't want their oil. We just want their freedom. We have never done that really. Before. That way. I have to remember that I know that, even as I listen to everything that they're telling me.

I am not "for" this war. I believe that what we are trying to accomplish could have been done on a much smaller scale than this. When this war started, I watched the body count and mourned our soldiers (my family, my friends). I had to stop. I had to stop looking for the faces of loved ones to come across the tv screen, but I wait for the phone call and I fear it. So many others wait too. So many people's sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, wives and husbands...ours...and their's.
I hope that the above is true. I hope we are there to give freedom. I hope that we accomplish some good from all this bad.

8-6-05 Social Masks...Who am I REALLY?

"Due to having many parts there is no unity,
There is not anything without parts.
Further, without one, there is not many.
Also, without existence there is no non-existence.
-Nagarjuna, "Precious Garland"

There are people who set out to "find themselves". I wonder what that means. Maybe I am doing that here.
The circumstances of this blog and it's viewers have made me increasingly aware of the masks I wear in the world.
To see me at home, I am responsible and loving. At work, I am socially acceptable, professional, happy, friendly and sort of sarcastic-cynical. With family I am giving and caring. With each friend I am different.

But who am I REALLY? If I were left alone for days or months, who would I be? The answer is too easy and yet it shakes me to the core to realize it.
In my mind I am an artist. I am content in long quiet days. I am bathed in music. I am flowing love. I am not concerned about anyone's ability to give back.

I am a pierced, tatooed punk kid with funky hair and odd fitting black clothing and mountains of angst to describe on canvas. I am politicaly, socially and ecologically involved. I am growing into an old hippy woman in bright flowing clothes and beads and long gray hair. I meditate my faith and I hope for humanity.
I am proud. I am free.

How is it that I know all of the above and yet, I am not that person? Why do we hide behind these masks? Why do I not embrace the person I want to be and just be damned with the opinions of others?

Through the Looking Glass 

8-2-05 Tuesday

Tuesdays. I've never been good at Tuesdays. Lots of people don't like Mondays. Me, I'm good with Monday. I'm optimistic on Monday. Hopeful about the week. Tuesdays....so little hope in Tuesday. It's very mundane really. Not hump-day. Not getting on toward the weekend. Tuesday just sits there, full of too much to do. No way out of Tuesdays. Blech.
*******************************************
And now, an even sillier rant:
Does anyone remember this poem?

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

Sure you do. It has always been one of my favorite stanzas. It is something, oddly, quoted about our house and throughout my life at opportune moments.
I know that I read the whole poem when I was a child. I didn't remember much of it though. So...I looked it up.
It's evil. I didn't remember it being evil. It's really a cruel story. Worse yet, it was in a book of nursery rhymes. WHY would we read this to our children??
Here it is, to quell your curiosity: The Walrus and the Carpenter
*************************************
Now - My current internal rant:
My mother always had problems when money was tight. It's a learned behavior that I have acquired. Tight money makes me unhappy. Hard to live with even.

Money. "Money is the root of all evil." "Money is power." "Money changes everything."

18 months ago I had all the money I needed...and then some. It was nothing to drop a few hundred dollars on a weekend. We ate out more than we ate in. Downpayments on cars barely made a dent. Airline tickets were no big deal.
BUT...every penny I earned cost me in trade. I had no life. I was on-call 24/7/365. No holidays. No weekends. Angry customers with 3 a.m. problem phone calls.
Read my first few posts to get an idea of the tragic mindset going on at that time.
Worse yet, regardless of title and status, every job was contract. There was no promise of longevity....ever. A nasty way to live.

So I changed that. I took longevity over money. Now I work regular hours. I don't even own a cellphone. (I'm very Kazinsky about the cellphone thing now.) I accepted less than half my previous income and NO title.
NOW, I have a life. I spend time at home with my significant other. Lots of time. Too much time. Why? BECAUSE I'M BROKE!
Now I'm afraid to spend a dime. We have no spare cash. We don't go out to eat. We won't go to the movies. Trips to see family are few and far between. We have racked up debt like crazy.
I feel that fear welling up too often. That bitter anger my mother had. I fully understand Mom.

See the comment in my profile "never satisfied (or even content)"? I meant that. That's probably the best definition of me that could be put in words.
I need a hobby. I wish I could afford one.

7-30-05 Much Ado About Nothing

Inner Sanctum: (or My Twisted Perspective with Regard to Perspectives)
The question to be answered is: Why Blog? (please feel free to post your own perspectives)

I received an e-mail from my friend. It was very angry. The tone was offensive (or offended, I'm not sure which.) The e-mail requested "Why would anyone want a blog?!!" She then began to describe blogs as stupid, horrible, waste-of-time creations. I merely laughed and replied "I have a blog". Thus ended the conversation.
I do not know the back-story of why she felt blogging to be an insane act, nor did I bother to offer her my url. I know that she lives in a different reality than I. In her reality the internet is not much more than a very current encyclopedia and phone book. Cyberspace does not exist to her.

Blog creation is based on individual perspective. This means that there are a couple of billion reasons to create a blog. Consider this; If 500 people go to the same church service, each of them will hear the same words yet they will each leave with a different interpretation of those words. That interpretation is based on life experience. (i.e. perspective)
No two people have the same life experience. My brother and I can sit and talk about things we did together as children. We were at the same place, at the same time, doing the same thing and yet our stories will be vastly different. Our interpretation of the experience is unique to each of us. Our perspective of the world is different. (His is about 6 inches taller than mine for starts.)

I recall a writing professor in college stating that "All written word is biased". It would have to be. To find evidence of this, read a history book written in Germany and then one written in America. Suddenly history is not the same. We are biased by our life experiences. (Anika was taught that there was a society of humans on the moon. Who wrote that book??)

So, why blog? One man blogs his paintings for sale. A Painting A Day
Another blogs political interests, and another blogs sports interests. People blog to provide information on the home softball team or news or How to be a Muslim in an American society. (I find these very interesting.) Some people blog fantasies. (Fantasy blogs interest me. I often wonder if the pretty college girl writing the "Hustler Magazine" smut (with photos no less) is actually a 50yr old guy sitting at home in his underwear. ICK!) In many ways, cyberspace allows us freedom. Often, too much freedom. There are no obligations in this particular vast universe. There are no rules of social acceptance. Anything goes.

The greater percentage of blogs are just journals. Our lives written out from our perspectives. (there's that word again). My blog is a journal. It's sole purpose is to offer me privacy. This is where reality begins to spin off into sci-fi. Hold on to your seats. I'm about to eradicate all human existence.

For this rambling essay, the word Reality* will refer to the tangible world. Physical, material bodies and objects only. People exist in reality. You exist, your chair exists, your keyboard, monitor etc. All real and tangible. Reality: the place where you wake up, relate to human beings, consume living things, return to sleep. That is reality. It existed long before Cyberspace.

Cyberspace is not reality. There is no chair in Cyberspace. There is no keyboard. There is no human being. No one is running about or shaking hands. None of it is real. Cyberspace is a consistently moving electronic field. It is only slightly more than nothing at all.

My family and friends and husband are not aware of my blog. (as far as I know) This allows me to drivel the thoughts in my head. By that explanation, I have sent information from my head into cyberspace. These thoughts do not exist in Reality. I have not shared them or written them. They are electronic impulses...squared. Synapses of the brain into pixels. Zeros and ones.

Conceivably, the internet could vanish in an instant. (Pause a moment and consider how mortifying that would be.) If the internet went away, or even just the server where my blog is stored, all of these thoughts would be forever lost....as if they never existed at all. Ah, impermanence, one of my favorite concepts.
Anika describes bloggers as "Imaginary Internet Friends". This is the best description I can find so far for my purpose here. THIS is all imaginary.

I blog, therefore I am not.

*A few notes on Reality:
 Edgar Cayce studied and wrote a great deal on the topic of bending spoons and walking through walls. The spoon and the wall do not really exist.
 Uri Geller bent the spoon. Or did he bend his perspective of the spoon? Or did he bend YOUR perspective of the spoon?
 Einstein spent the better part of his life trying to explain that we (Reality - the chair, the spoon, the keyboard, you, the grass) are nothing more than electronic impulses. (The Matrix?)
 The entirety of Buddhist principles are based on the idea that we are, in a way, only one amazingly large mass-hallucination. (Ok, that's over-simplifying, I know.)
 Ruth Shelton felt that we could overcome the existence of the chair by no longer believing that the chair is there. She also felt that we all see a different chair.

I blog, therefore I am not? Maybe none of us are at all anyway.

7-28-05

Relationships - the big ones anyway - do very odd things to people. When you live with someone for a long time you tend to take on similarities. The one that makes me most bonkers is "baby speak". If you have pets or children between you, the people in the house begin to take on a form of communication that includes cartoon voices and "w"s where there should be "r"s and silly things like that.

So, I'm standing alone in my kitchen this morning, sort of talking to myself and I have the sudden reality-fix realization that I am talking out loud, in babyspeak, to NO ONE. I also realize why I'm doing this and I think, "Rats, I'll probably be saying this one dumb phrase, in the same dumb cartoon voice, for the rest of my life."

I have proof of this. There is a phrase from an ex-roommate (15+yrs ago) that I cannot stand...and yet, it still plays in my head from time to time.
Wouldn't it be grand if we could delete certain bits from our brains???!!!
"ooo ungowa, you need a showa"
There. I told you it was stupid. Now it's in your brain too. Muuuahahaha.

(Sidenote....my blog has lost that whole "internal" vibe. I am now playing to an audience. Ah, my self-concious conscience is easily altered, is it not?)

OH - and Deadman, if you're watching, congrats on the baby thing. What's the relation?

7-25-05 An odd place to be...

I am in an odd place. I have a friend, who I adore, and I am seeking compassion for her. It is odd because I am finding it difficult to be compassionate. It is as if I have to work at it.
I have been contemplating the cause of this a great deal lately. Is it me? Have I built the wall so high and thick that I can no longer feel? Is it her? Has she desensitized me to her plight?

They say, when a person is likely to commit suicide, they talk about it a lot. It is a cry for help. This particular cry, although louder these past months, has been going on for years. It is hard for me to discern if this is truth or a need for attention. Either way I am lost. I can play shrink but I am not a shrink. I am not qualified to handle this. Besides, even if I were, I am far too emotionally involved to be objective. And to be quite honest, I don't want the job for fear of failure.

And what if I'm the only one? What if she doesn't say these things to anyone but me?
What if I do not act on this? HOW do I act on this?
It is greater than me...and so I wait. I struggle with myself. I worry and fret and pray and hope and get frustrated and bitter.
Equally, I want to save her and I want out.

I feel as if "out" makes me a bad person.
What to do?

7-23-05 So much to say...so much to say...

And where to begin?
THE GOOD STUFF: 1) The blog is expanding and I have plans for at least two more pages. This has become a true joy as I am working the code on the other pages instead of just adding posts. Colors and shape and soon to be backgrounds. I LOVE creating from code. This fills my analytical and artistic needs all at once.
-There will be a page of "World News" (relevant only from my perspective of the world, twisted as it is) and a page of art. I've been blogging about just to see what's out there and found so many beautiful pages of art. Ahh. Can't wait to get that back.
2) The house is clean. Baby-proof-clean. ;)~
3) I am quite happy and content at the moment. Take note!

THE NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:
Sometimes something happens that lays one big kick in your rear-end and begs you to get a clue. Consider the clue gotten.
Here is the kick:
A young man, my age, made a lot of bad choices. They weren't entirely his choices, or maybe they were....but I think they were a culmination of twisted perspectives that resulted from a very confusing childhood.
 He lost his father in a tragic car wreck when he was young. Not too young to know what had happened.
 He suffered the abuse of his mother, physical and mental. Likely brought on by her own suffering.
 He escaped to drugs.
 He abused others.
 He redeemed himself and cleaned up his life. He found and kept a good job. He had a strong, intelligent girlfriend. He was no longer addicted. He had been clean for a long time.
 He had a surgery. Minor, but it required pain killers.
 He became addicted.
 He became abusive.
 He faced jail time.
 He lost his job.
Last week he killed himself.

He was loved. He just didn’t see it.
He could have escaped but he feared so deeply that he couldn’t see the door. Fear of the future, of paying the consequences, was far greater than just quitting.

I can see this a bit more clearly because I was not emotionally tied to the young man. He was the cousin and friend of my husband.
My husband will take quite a bit longer to reach closure….if ever.
My dear husband states that he has never considered suicide even once in his life. (and let me tell you, he’s seen rock bottom so that’s a pretty amazing thing.) I am thrilled to have that knowledge but it hurts me to know that my husband might never comprehend what has happened to the person he loved. My husband will blame himself and bear guilt for many many years.

LET’S STEP BACK A MINUTE:
Life is perspective.
Self-pity is annoying.
I have so very very much to be grateful for in my life. So much. How dare I ever waste one moment on self-pity.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
I have a wonderful family. I am aware that I am loved. I never, ever suffered abuse within my family or my home.
My parents have been married 40 yrs. They are the sun in the universe of our extended family of cousins, grandparents, aunts, grandchildren. They have been the greatest role models of our lives. We are eternally blessed.
My sister and brother and their families share the love and commitment we learned from our parents…and we try to pass that on to those around us.
I have a wonderful, kind, compassionate husband. With him I feel safe. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

I could go on with blessings like “I am an American and a Texan. I am intelligent. I am talented. I have a good job. I am surrounded by people I enjoy.” etc. I need not. I am blessed. I am aware. The clue has been gotten.

SIDEBAR

On "My Other Blog" (see above), this is the first quote because it means a great deal to me.
"Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?"
-Sai Baba

I broke that rule. I apologize to all who need apologizing to.
In my defense, I never actually spoke. I only thought. To myself. On the internet.
There's some sort of odd oxymoron in those last few statements.

Post Editing

Ok. That last post was harsh. Downright mean. I even deleted it. Then I got this e-mail from a girlfriend (to follow) and I put the last post back. The e-mail convinced me that I am not alone in my thinking. Here it is:

***Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? ?Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?***

See. We (women) think this is funny because we have all had these exact same thoughts. GAWD I wish men were hormonal instead. It sucks to be a woman. Just sucks.

7-15-05

First: I fully realize that the following rant is entirely irrational.

The sick, inner workings of a hormonal mind:
AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH! I am a housewife! When TF did that happen?!! I don't want to be a housewife! I am sick and freaking tired of never ever catching up on the f*&%ing housework! Dishes, linnens, clothes, carpets, dust, stacks of crap everywhere. THROW IT ALL AWAY.

When I was young and single, I could clean the house - and I mean BABY PROOF CLEAN - in a couple of hours tops. I moved every six months or so, so I threw all the crap away. Stupid, worthless momentos, dead plants, papers etc. But now....now I live with a pack rat. (Don't say you're not. That's pure denial on your part!!!) Now I live with someone who can actually stack s*&t where the laws of physics say s*&t can't be stacked. And WHY don't you see it???? WHY do you not care that you live in this mess?? AAAAaaaaa! It reeks havock on any hope of creative force entering my brain. There is always something to be done. Something to be cleaned.
When I am lying on my deathbed and someone asks "Do you have any regrets?" Oh buddy, am I gonna go off then!!! I regret that I didn't stop the freaking obsessive-compulsive collecting. I regret that I lived in it. I regret that I ever ever wasted my time trying to clean it or to clean around it. I regret that it made me this f(*king nutso. I regret a LOT. YES I DO.

(and the Buddhist Monk says "abolish material possessions". If I only could.

Chit. Time's up. I could have gone on like this for weeks.
Well, one week I suppose. It's probably just PMS.

7-15-05 Astrology or Astronomy?

Ok, I don't buy into this stuff entirely but I was spammed by tarot.com and I like what it said so here it is:
"This week Saturn – the planet that throws personal growth challenges our way – moves from emotional, security-minded Cancer into fiery, self-expressive Leo... quite a dramatic change! The manifestation of your Heart's Desires may have been quietly flowing along the past few years (Saturn moves slowly) but now it's time for creative sparks to fly.
The courageous sign of Leo rules the heart. Saturn makes us tow the line. As these two pair up, you are called to get clear about what it is going to take for you to manifest your deepest desires, whatever they may be. And you will also be offered the confidence to achieve them."

I read it and I thought "Well it's about danged time! Maybe NOW I can get the studio set up." Apparently, my lack of muse was just a planetary alignment problem.

Is planetary alignment astrology or astronomy? Hmmmm.

7-14-05 argh

First, let me say that "back in the day" when all webpages were built in java and html, typed out...longhand...it was insanely easier to find one silly little animated graphic that said something like "updated" in a flashy, fiery, way.
Not so anymore. Deeeep muddy waters to tread for that little trick.
I'll do it when I have time.
I never learned "Front Page" because I learned the longhand. I'm better for it. Really. (You silly kids!!)

Second, I've updated (flash, spin, twinkle) MY SPIRAL NOTEBOOK. New snippets of unfinished poetry. I should attempt to make something of them soon.
It would be nice to finish something this year.

7-12-05 Gershwin

I had the most exquisite experience last night!!! I went to bed early after a very long day at work. I decided to drown out the day with a bit of classical music to fall asleep by. I switched on our local station and found myself quickly drawn into a radio broadcast of Hershey Felder's George Gershwin Alone.
The performance was so moving and the music, overwhelming. "Porgy and Bess", "Summertime", "Where or When", and, of course, "Rhapsody in Blue". The dialog was brilliant and humorous. I was overcome.

I'll be buying a copy (2CD set) for Mom. The entire time I was listening to the show, I was thinking of Mom and thanking her for bringing an appreciation of classical music into our lives. Radio shows; Gershwin, Glenn Miller, Smothers Brothers, Martin and Lewis, Liberace even.....it takes me back in time. I'm so lucky that we shared these things.

Along those lines, I finally got a copy of Song of the South. Finally. So many years of trying. How great is that? I bought one for Mom too. She watched it twice.
I'll add to that the movie she sent to me - The Tango Lesson.
It's a shame that it has taken me so many years to really start appreciating all the blessings of Mom.

Isn't it funny how we forget all the bad stuff? I'm starting to believe I had a wonderful, carefree childhood. Maybe I did. It was a damned sight bettter than most, I'm sure of that. ;)

7-11-05 Strange dreams

Last night was a rough one. Barely any sleep. Tossed, turned, got up and played games til 2:30, tried again, tossed, turned again. Ok. That's the drift.
Here's where it gets strange.

I am now barely an hour from waking. In that strange fog that comes between asleep and awake I dreamt. I dreamt of a man. I knew him...when I was young. 14 or 15 years old maybe. I do not recognize his face in my awake state. I knew him clearly in my sleep.
He was tall. 6ft or more. He was lean, dark haired, dark eyed, chiseled face. He wore a strange suit. Silver-grey with a diamond pattern (that might have been purpleish). Odd.
My sense was that I adored him. He was a friend. I saw him standing, kissing a woman and I felt panicked. "No. Love me. Don't love her."

Awake I am straining my memory for this person. Who was he? I don't recognize him. I clearly recognize the feeling and I can almost associate it with someone....almost but not quite. Who was he??

7-9-05 Cynical

Today's word is: Cynical.
For a week now, I have obsessed about that word. Rik called me out on it. I thought, "I am not cynical? I am the one who finds hope. I am the one who turned an angry mob into a compassionate group with one short post." And then I re-read my own recent post and went "Holy smokes. When did that happen?" OMG. I am cynical. Yick. Somebody get me some soap and a sponge.

I'm over it.

But....lookie at all the changes a year can bring. Let's paruse, shall we?
One year ago I was so involved with her problems that I barely paid attention to my own. Her illnesses. Her daughter. Her needs. Her suicidal phone calls. Her moving. Her divorce. Her pain. Her hopelessness. Her neeeed for therapy. I was her shrink-friend.
One year ago my sister's son was 4 months old and she and Mom were finding their footing in the "who's right, who's wrong" child rearing battle. I was their shrink-sister-daughter.
One year ago my husband lost his job, got very ill, got very depressed. I was his rock. Shrink-wife.
One year ago I lost my job after a loooong, painful, drawn out dread of that impending doom. I had a shrink. He was a freak.

I cracked. Hell, I broke into tiny peices.
Then I stopped.
I stopped being everybody's shrink. I started putting up the infamous "boundaries" (Thank you Dr. Phil. Apparently, I was the one who needed the shrink.)
I did it with a vengance. I not only put up boundaries, I built great big, 6-inch-thick, reinforced steel, impenatrable WALLS!
THEN I dug underground and began what my friend now refers to as "My Hobbitdom". Ahhhh, it is nice down here in the dark. Nice and peaceful. No conflict. No problems. Nothing here but the voices in my head. Suh-weeeet.

Now I live my life in short blurbs, blogs and posts. I communicate with people online. People I will never see. People who will never need ME to be their backbone. I have torn up my shrink-license.
I do not get emotionally attached to my co-workers. I do not meet the eyes or start conversations with strangers in malls or stores. Hell, I don't even leave the house if I don't have to.

I have no patience for the problems of other people. ("I did not cause it. I cannot change it. It is not my problem.")
Is that cynical? Yes. Cynicism has saved me.

Do I like who I am becoming? No.
I feel that I am missing out. I feel un-loved and lonely. How sad is that? I used to hate that I would spend an hour on the phone listening to the whining of others, and when I wanted to whine, they conveniently vanished from earshot. Was THAT my definition of love??? Were their boundaries just better than mine?

Well, I do like my extremes. All or nuttin for me, man!

I think the next step is to figure out what I like about me.
I have got to get busy setting up the studio so I can draw. If I can get that back, I can find my confidence and maybe hang some lights in this hobbit hole. Maybe then I can invite them back in.....on different terms though. No more whining. This is a no-whining zone.

I was a very funny person once. I've lost that humor. I need it back.
The only person who never whined was Dad. Dad and I have a different relationship. I want that relationship with everyone else.
I need to spend more time talking to Dad.

6-4-05

How time flies.
Saturday, June 4th, 2:15pm - no resposibilities. Time on my hands. Turn on some music and type a bit. "My Weekend Music" playlist on the WMP. First song, randomly chosen by the player, is "In My Life" by John Lennon. That'll do just fine. It's right where my brain is. Spot on.

I'm searching. Searching for my muse. A sad thing to have no muse. Sadder not to look for him/her/it. I thought it was Rik, but that has run it's creative course I 'm sad to say. In the interim I am clinging to thoughts. Pulling words and phrases from sentences, songs, commercials, internet. Never bothering to write them down though. I'm painting the walls just to have an excuse to paint....and that desire dried up post-completion as well.
Where are the words? Where are the dreams, fantasies, hopes, interests, attempts... Ah, where is my muse?

Acrophobia came back...and where are my words?? I was brilliant at that game 6 years ago. I can't come up with words that begin with 'R' anymore. I feel like a woman who raises children. I have no more adult words. So little adult conversation. Like I turned something off when I took the "easier" job. Like I flipped a switch to the side that says "Don't have to think logically anymore." I don't analyze except in the minor sense. A little spreadsheet with logic no one else will bother to even acknowledge. Creativity...no, the desire to be creative...has died there. Ah. I was good. I was freaking amazing. Couldn't fail. Impressed everyone. Worked HARD. DEFINED myself by it. But I always knew life was about more. I always knew I was stiffling my dreams.......

Was I wrong? No. I'm just... complacent.

1-30-05

I have waited my whole life for the end of vanity.
I believed there would be a peace to find. A solitude.
I saw my grandparents, beyond their prime.
I have equated their joy and the love we all had for them with life's winter years.
I have believed there would come a time when lust would leave our hearts and greater things would replace it.
I have looked forward to that time.

And then it came.
It came too soon.
It came too suddenly.
Only yesterday I looked in the mirror at a face pretty enough to turn the head of a twenty-five year old boy.
And, although I would not have acted on that attention, I'll admit it was quite flattering.
Ahh...I was twenty-six a breath ago.
I was thirty-seven yesterday.
I am....
...I am broken now.

I walk forward wondering if I will ever turn another head in anything other than morbid curiosity.
I move through the days, head held high and I have not changed. I am me...
...but I hear my own voice screaming those words..."I am me!"...and I fear no one hears.

Vanity.
Vanity is for the young.
I am a hideous person to belive that I am less without that face.
I have been blessed these thirty-seven years.
I have humor and talent and intelligence.
I have unconditional love. (or do I?)
I am lucky.
And yet, that thought creeps through my mind every time I meet someone new...and every time someone I've known forever flinches at my crooked smile.
They say, "You'd hardly notice." and then they mimick this disfigurement without knowing they're even doing it.
Oh, how it cuts through me.
I never knew I was this vain.

I longed for the days.
I longed to be The Woman in Purple.
I longed for the time when I could be fat and wear no makeup and not worry about washing my hair every day.
I longed for a time when people would accept me "as is".
I thought that came with age and I fell in love with the grey hairs I refuse to hide.
Those greys mean that I am moving closer to that time.
That time of peace.
The days without vanity.

But they came too soon.
And they came too suddenly.

MY SPIRAL NOTEBOOK

***********
Tomorrow
Today
Forever
Time
It all falls away.
And none of it's mine.
*********
Crazy-raging into the night
Moving at the speed of traffic lights.
Thrilled by near-misses
and the fantasy
that any second could be the last.
********
One Second - unfinished
One second puts a whole new set of hopes on your plate.
One wink from you and I had dreams I never knew.
In the next wink, you didn't see the light change.
Now all my dreams are prayers.
One second changes everything.
*********
Heavy clouds
Crashing years
*********
(excerpt from Billy Could Have Been a Better Man)
Here we are today
just playin' at life
like we've got tomorrow
stashed away
************
I've got a first class ticket,
but the pilot's number came up.
Just another stroke
of rotten luck.
***********
Paint the lies pretty colors.
********
A dry sound - the dry sound of a heartbreak
**************
Freed - a soul is freed
*****
Don't even know what I wanted to say
Something about how it all got away
and how youth
never sees the truth
Reality is for those much longer in tooth
*****

I find myself longing for us again...like we were at 26. I feel something lost in my soul. A spirit of freedom hiding under all this responsibility. Remember when we were free? Remember when we took the night on like life depended on it? Remember when we pushed every limit as far as we could? Ah...but we're older now. Settled. Consistent. Dependable. And I fear with every fiber of my being that I'll never feel it again.....and I think of them and I know the joy of life now is much simpler....but...do they ache like I do? Like I ache for you?...for youth?

I have to find a way to LIVE again. This shell does not deserve to be called life. Get off the couch. Get away from TV. Get outside. Get a hobby. Get a dream...and move toward it........get busy living or get busy dying.

******
Don't tell me you really believe
all this "stuff" wins the game?
If that's what you think
then you and I are not the same.
There isn't a thing I'd keep.
I could throw it all away.
All I will ever need
is to hear you say you'll stay
anyway.
*******

10-30-04 Today begins my "memoirs".

All of my life I have considered the theological. This life, the next life, the meaning of life. I have read, learned, written.

Today I awoke with a new sense. The day is clear and sunny. My mind is peaceful and calm. I am happy. It seems I have accepted one theory above others. I can't explain it clearly except to say that it has a lot to do with giving and accepting. I feel as though I have found myself. I feel as though I like myself. I like who I am. I have not had the fortune of that feeling in many, many years.

A small example of this is demonstrated here: Yesterday I bought lunch at Subway. The checker asked if I wanted my "stamp" (the coupons one collects to achieve that tenth free sandwich). I do not use those stamps. Generally I just lose them. I took the stamp and asked the person next in line if she used them. She, quite excitedly, exclaimed "Yes" and so I handed it to her. Now, this is a small example but the point bares making. I realized that it made me a great deal happier to give that stamp away than to save it. And lucky me, I will have 10 moments of happiness for every free sandwich someone else gets. How great is that?! My payoff is so much better. Ahhhh...the joy of life is fully experienced when given away.

I also mentioned "accepting"...and here is my current illustration of that: I have accpeted a job that has cost me a few things. It has cost me autonomy, money, a title and a sense of having "earned" a position. I am struggling with my ego on occasion. I am mildly "bitten" when I realize that I am no longer looked up to...but down upon. (Sigh.) ........HOWEVER......I went into this venture seeking other things. Longevity, consistency, free-time. I have attained a great deal more. I work in an environment that is quiet, friendly, respectful. I work in a place where I can watch planes and helicopters fly over during breaks and lunch. I work close enough to come home for lunch. The drive to and from is easy, quick and also peaceful. The job will never wake me up at night. It will not intrude on my own life and I feel freed by that fact. For these things, I can accept the losses. I am better for it.

I heard the lyrics of a song yesterday. The song fit my past life...it said "I moved to the highest floor by working every day, but I can't remember anymore, what it was like to play. If I could only find the exit door, I'd run away. I'm so far in, I can't get out." Those lyrics no longer fit. They are alien....and I thought....I have time to play now! And I realized that my freetime is spent in front of the television set. ARGH! I must play. I must learn how to play...what to play. Last night I had a strange epiphany. It seems to me that "play" should have something to do with art. I'm going back. I am coming back. My soul is going home. That is where the peace resides. I am so very peaceful now. Ahhhhhhhh..........no matter what happens next....I am ready to experience it. Good and bad....just to experience.

Another note: I am adding a post here called "My Spiral Notebook". It will be updated with those creative thoughts that come to me. It will be the place to compile for later creativity. It will be a blessing.

10-7-2004 - The World Has Moved On

It's been a while. A long while. The update here will be odd. We'll see how it goes.

Last post 7-25-04**********
-He got Shingles (miserable, LONG ailment)
-We were both out of work. He was fired in a heinous act of vengeance by a stupid child coworker. I was laid off when my previous employer lost a contract
-He went to Portland for a family reunion
-I went to Houston to visit family as well

New post 10-7-04*************
He and I got along amazingly well when we were both unemployed. This stemmed from our being in the same sinking boat. A mutual empathy, I suppose. It also helped that the money wasn't as tight as I had feared. Also, I kept us both believing it would all work out and I kept reminding him (and myself) that we weren't in a "suffering" state financially. Anyway, the bond felt much closer than it ever has. I reveled in it... ...it's fading now back to resentment on his part. Possibly on mine too. I'm sad about that.

He found work at a nice company on August 25th. He doesn't really care for the work. The hours are 50/wk, including 5hrs on Saturday. It pays $7000 more than his last job and he has finally achieved the $30,000/yr mark. He's happy about that and he's trying to tolerate it well. As of this date, I see him falling into old habits. He has fixated on a source of discord at his new job. I guess there has to be one in every situation. I wish he could separate work from home though. I wish he would leave the day at the doorstep when he leaves the job. I have learned to keep the two apart. I wish he would.

We also had a bit of confusion with TWC and Manpower Temporaries. MP claimed he "quit" but their dates and information was wrong...and he didn't quit. It's a long story. The short version is: TWC told him that we would have to pay back $1400.00. We contested it. We had a hearing via phone (stress stress stress) and we WON. This felt like the beginning of good news. On the same day, I got a call back regarding an interview. I got the job. I really like my future supervisor. I think I will be happy. (prayers)

I start on 10-18-04. It is the job I wanted. In my downtime, I raked myself over the coals pretty badly. The problem as I see it, is that I don't want to do what I've been doing for 10yrs. My "friends" didn't come through for me....maybe I never came through for them. Some tried - best friend, best friend's father, my aunt. The rest of my network was a complete letdown. My heart broke. I found a rock bottom. I decided it had to be on my terms this time anyway. I forgave them. Those people have busy lives and assume I am talented enough to handle myself. I'm not a child, after all.

I decided I would start a new career. I decided my strength is my ability to communicate over the phone and my ability to provide "customer service". It is the essence of my success in all past jobs. It is the one thing I "enjoy". I started seeking Customer Service Representative positions. I wanted one in a food manufacturing situation since I am familiar with it from the past two employments (DP and Mstar). I know I have a good grasp of that world. I also determined that a position like this would allow me to avoid the "on-call" situation. I really must get rid of that. It's an intrusion.

Finally, and not at all least importantly, I want longevity. I want to work somewhere that won't die from the loss of a contract. I want to work in one place until I retire. I want to be one of those people who says "I've been working there for 20 years." I don't even care anymore if I do it in the same position. I just DO NOT want to be in THIS boat again....much less every two freaking years. I can't stand the insecurity.

The downside to this? -$17,000/year. I knew the cut I would take. I knew it going in. I hope we can survive. I hope I can teach my husband that he has to take on more of our financial life. That will be very hard. He feels like he's getting ahead for the first time in his life. I have to toss the wrench into that. The idea makes me sad.

Last thing: Sometime in July I developed a lump just above my right jawbone. We didn't have insurance. I knew I couldn't have it checked out. No way to afford that. Two weeks ago "our" insurance went into affect. PHCS via my husband's job. $600 deductible. (now that I write that figure, it doesn't seem so bad) Today I will go to the doctor. I am scared to death. Worse yet, I start work on 10-18.....10 days from now. THIS is the timetable I have to deal with the problem...whatever it is. I will not have sick time until February. I will not be able to use my insurance at my new job for this. Pre-existing.



Please....do not let this shoe drop. Let it be a simple, easy, common ailment. Please God. Please.



Today I am sad. From the fear I am sure. I haven't been sad in a long while...just so you know. These past months haven't been awful. Part of me dreads their ending. Cross fingers and toes and legs and arms and eyes. Pray. Pray hard that it all works out. Pray that I have another summer to enjoy.....and I will stand in a warm rain in July and let the water soak my skin and wash away all the pain of the past.

7-25-2004 The world has moved on... 

First things first:
1) It is amazing the difference in mental state when one has a great deal of free time.
2) It is a sad shame that I should not be enjoying this free time.
3) It is a sad shame that this free time MUST end.
4) C'mon lottery.

Update:

• He was let go from his job on May 20th. (a prescheudled vacation day, no less)
• He got that hideous phone call from previous employer's HR dept on May 27th.  That same day the headache came on. (That same moment actually.)
• His eye swelled shut on June 1st.  We went to the ER that night after I got home from work.
• The ER had no idea what was wrong with him but did a catscan and gave him Demerol for the pain.  It didn't help at all and it cost us about $4K total.
• Two days later we went to my doctor. (Mind you, no insurance here.)   My doctor determined immediately that he had Shingles.   For the record...Shingles SUCKS.
• The swelling went on for three weeks.  The pain continues still.   Sleep is very hard for him....because Shingles SUCKS.
• I was laid off from my job on July 2nd.  Saw it coming.  Wasn't angry or resentful.  Fully understood the necessity.  Got a meagre (well rationalized) severance.
• I hit the streets running on July 5th.  Temp agency, old contacts, phone calls, etc.   
• He went to Portland for his family reunion (already paid for trip) on July 10th. 
• I went to Houston to visit my family on July 16th.
• We both started looking for work again on July 19th.
• To date - we are still, both, unemployed.

 

Back to state of mind:

One can find a great deal of peace when one doesn't have to work every single day/night.  There is very little stress as of now.  We ponder things like "what will we eat next" and "what can we watch on TV".  The house is clean and the cleanliness is easily maintaned.  I am much easier to get along with....as his he....

Unfortunately, it cannot last.  Soon (too soon) the money will run out.   We must be employed.  We stand to lose the house, both cars, our lifestyle........and it isn't a BIG lifestyle by any stretch of the imagination.  The house is a rented townhouse.  The cars are cheap.  Yet - we enjoy what we have.

I'm certain that the mood of things will change soon.

Stay tuned.

6-11-04 Karma?

Who's Karma?
Am I really this bitter?
Is the bitterness being repaid?
So many things falling apart.
Losing jobs. Character assassination. Need for an attorney. Suicidal friends.
Will the dr call soon and tell me the sonagram was bad?
I'm sitting around waiting for the shoe to drop.
I don't want to be miserable.
Did I not realize when I had it good? (No! I did realize it. It was prior to all this!)

Karma. Who's?

6/2/04 Keeping Score.....

Mstar is brutal. It might be perception but they've become unforgiving and insulting. In fact, they've tripled our workload simply by complaining about every alteration...not that they could be even the slightest responsible for the need to alter....
But what's the point of them keeping score now? We're out.
My income is once again in a state of limbo. I AM A HUMAN BEING YOU WORTHLESS, HEARTLESS SCHMUCKS. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!!
19 days and counting DOWN. Counting every second.
Bitter? Me? P-shaw.

I broke down AGAIN yesterday. It was a result of that damned customer calling every 5 minutes to tell me we're a bunch of failures...and then every other 5 minutes to ask for some rediculous favor.

How's this....17 brand new loads for tomorrow...entered today.
How's this...."Please pull a truck out of your ass and return these two loads to their origins." (Not that we made a mistake or anything but it would be awful nice of you to save OUR ass with yours. And by the way...don't fuck it up.)

UNGRATEFUL.
UNREQUITED.
IMPERMANENT.

I'm keeping score. Instant Karma's gonna get YOU.
Leave me out of it.