2013-6-30   

It is in my darkest hour that I become angry enough to search for the light.

There is a crack in my cocoon.

1-1-10

Ooooooooooooo!!!!!Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!YAAAAYYYYY!!!!

Uh-oh......

2009-July & August

I'm still here....but so very busy these days. We have a new pet. Baby Sparrow is 23 days old now. It was 7 days when we found it. It had lost it's home to a storm. It's pretty amazing watching something that helpless learn and grow so quickly. Every day is a new experience. Everyone should go through this once.

Sophie Jo, our Momma Calico has breast cancer. We found it in May. She had 2 of 4 left breasts surgically removed. She has had 3 rounds of chemo. Now we have a new lump in the 3rd breast. It's small. I hope we get it this time.

Love to all of you who still hang around.

I can be found on Facebook most days. I'm listed as Agnes Mitchell. There probably isn't another Agnes Mitchell out there so feel free to look me up.

All the best, always.

Aggie

False Alarm

No worries - it was just another false alarm!

2009-5-21

It isn't fair to spend two years telling everyone you want to kill yourself and then expect them all to come running when you tell them you have cancer. It isn't fair and it isn't right. It's just confusing!

2008 MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wishing you all the Merriest of Christmases and a joyfilled New Year.

Love, Aggie

Home?

We closed on September 30th. My first HOUSE. My new home.

It wasn't easy. I learned a helluva lot. I took a lot of chances. I had moments of triumph and equal moments of fear.

Tomorrow we start moving in. NOW it is real. Now it is permanent. I am excited and hopeful. I have cold feet too.

Forever. That's not like me at all. I'm not great with forevers..... I'm not real trusting.

This one will last.

I dream of the garden I will plant. I dream of holiday decorations. I hope for the laughter of my family to fill the halls.

I hope this forever is grand.

I have to note, for rememberance sake, that we met and spent good time with the previous owners. They have lived there since the house was built. They are sweet, kind people who took amazing care of this house. I sincerely hope to maintain that legacy.

The Hammills told us of the life the house has lived. 34 years and counting. They said they sat on the back porch and looked out over fields and cows. There are no fields now. No cows for miles. House upon house and traffic around the houses...but I know the house had happiness. It was exciting for them when they purchased it - nearly the same ages as we are now. It is exciting for us too.

Hello House. Be good to us. Be home to us.

Aggie - 10/21/2008

IKE 9-13-08

Hang on to your shorts. This one's gonna get messy!

.....and it did. Luckily, our family faired quite well. (thank you God or angels or Dad or whomever was looking out for us.) Mom's house stayed sound, with the exception of the wiring being pulled from the back when a tree fell on the power lines. That'll not be a cheap fix because I'm pretty sure Dad rigged up most of that old wiring himself. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe the fix will be up to code.

My Grandad's house is sound as well.

My sister's house took no damage save for the wooden fence in the backyard. It needed replacing anyway.

As far as I know, my brother's house stood just fine.

Mom has no phones. Even the cell has no signal. Being industrious as she is, she got OnStar to hand over a few extra minutes so she could call us and check in. OnStar ROCKS!

Some good came of it. All of Mom's neighbors, knowing that Dad isn't around, came to help my Mom out. They brought wood. They boarded up her windows. They secured her house. WOW! That was pretty awesome.

Even the mailman offered to come by to walk around the house with her and make sure she was safe.

Amazing people. Amazing community.

She'll cook them all chocolate pies to make up for it. :) Mmmmm...can't beat Mom's chocolate pie!

For the thousands who lost their homes and lives down in Galveston and Clear Lake and Downtown, we ache for you. We know the loss. We've done it before.

We'll pray your worlds come back together as painlessly as possible. We'll pray you are blessed with the kindness of neighbors and strangers until the world makes sense again.

We got lucky again. Thanks Dad, for watching over us. Mom was plenty scared without you but we did ok.

That's enough wind and rain for one year. Let's get on with fall and leaves and holidays.

Love and blessings to each of you and to all of those you love.

Aggie

Septembers

Septembers. Our birthdays are in September. Why wouldn't it be my favorite month? It has always been the hope for new beginnings. It promises Fall, to end the summer heat. It offers new life as I put another year's mistakes behind me and "swear this year will be different". When I was young, it was the beginning of a new school year. A chance to reconnect with lost friends.....just as I'm doing now.

September promises.

It always has.

We've spent 6 months searching, toiling, learning, sufferring, hoping, losing, trying again.

We met the worlds worst realtor (I'll never forget you Ashley. You were a life-lesson if ever there was one!) and we've met a wonderful replacement. (Thank you Deanna...for taking our hands, bringing us hope and for being a friend.)

As today begins, we wait for word. This is #3. Three has ALWAYS been my lucky number. I sincerely hope it is now.

A silent prayer plays over in my mind. "Let them accept our offer. Let this not be a mistake. Let this be a new beginning...again."

Let me finally find a home. A HOME.

8-20-2008 A new post....

Dragonfly

I have things to say, updates to add, thoughts to share.....and I hope, soon, that I will.
May this little post find you safe and well and peaceful in your worlds. I am thinking of you...don't you doubt it. Every full moon and every fractal and every sketch and every bear or crow pic. You cross my mind with every new book, every photo of a child, every great new song to share.



Take good care.

Aggie

4-10-08 - My first tornado

I woke up at 3:40 a.m. hearing wind and rain like I've never heard it. I got up to see what was happening and started hearing things banging into the west side of the building. I woke the hubby just when the power went out.

I looked out our bedroom at the west-facing window to see a green wall of water. It looked like being inside a car at an automatic car wash. It was lighted from behind and green. AAAAAAaaaaaa. My heart started to race!

I ran downstairs to check the damage and get us into the bathroom downstairs. The front door leaks when it rains and we had a pretty good puddle in the foyer. My hubby came down, quite bleary-eyed, and started mopping things up while I tried to get the cats into carriers.......a fruitless attempt. I don't think he was really awake or even grasped the gravity of the situation. He couldn't seem to understand why I wanted everyone in the bathroom. Fortunately, the winds started to ease up in about 5 minutes and I started to relax. We lit some candles and just sat in the dark.

He fell asleep on the couch in no time at all. My heart was still pounding. The power came back on so I checked the news to make sure it was over and then went back to bed for an hour.

This morning the news stations said it was an F1 tornado. 85mph winds.

I don't ever want to experience that again. It was NOT fun.

A promise not kept.

I don't recall now if it was Thursday or Friday when I made the promise. I said I would update. I got tagged and intended to follow through...but then...
I'll get around to weeks 9 through 12 later. When I find the time. I'm working on the tag in my head but not yet in my own space.
The weekend was a total bust. What, in our world, is known as Good Friday turned out to be Very Bad Friday compliments of Flexaril, Xanax, a cellphone and Best Buy. Those are key words so I'll remember the cause and the event. It means nothing to anyone but me anyway.

Everything in life is fragile at all times. Even a good rut can be shattered without intent or forewarning. If we're lucky, we can find our way back to our rut.....our comfort zone. If we're lucky, we can move forward in life without more damage. We can live without walking on eggshells.
But we never really lose the scars, do we?

Everything is back to normal now....for now.
May we all have a peaceful, rut-filled, boring week.
Until next time.
Hugs and love.
Aggie

Week Eight. 2/23/08

Monday - phone call from headhunter with decent job offer. (Nice guy too.)
The owner came by to ask if I felt better. I said "Yes, thanks." I don't think he grasped the sniffling and talking through my nose. This turns out to be significant later. **
He then tells my cellmate that she has to switch cubicles (to the very back one) by the end of the week.

Tuesay-Wednesday - same old blah and angry cellmate. She's complaining about the move. The CEO told her it was because "she's too loud" so she complains in whispers now.

Thursday - the move happens early in the day but the office hasn't planned well and she's left without her phone or fax for the remainder of the day. She sulks around the office and complains with her head down. She won't look at me and I realize the people who hang around her are giving me the cold shoulder. I'm silent about the entire situation. I work and stay out of it. I want to scream "I'm not the reason you got moved. YOU ARE." but I don't know if that's the truth.
I feel guilty.
The headhunter calls back for clarification of some items on my resume.

Friday - It's a good day for me because the cellmate is far enough away now that I cannot hear her endless complaints. Still, there are comments by others that her mood is angry. To me, she just looks like her feelings are hurt. That makes me sad and even more guilty feeling.
Regardless, I start thinking I can handle this. Some of the burden has lifted.
I get home and the headhunter has scheduled me for an interview next week. I'll have to lie to take the time off. I should be excited...but...

Now I'm conflicted because this company has pandered to me just for the sake of keeping me......and I'm entertaining another offer. I can't decide if I should tell the headhunter "Nevermind" or continue on. ***Furthermore, the CEO asks me, "How did you get over that flu so quickly." (I told him, "I didn't. I had it for a full week." and he says "But you came to work." and I said, "I didn't really have a choice because cellmate was out and her situation took priority.")
I realize later that he asked because he thinks I left for a job interview instead of the flu....which I didn't but now I'm going to next week. I feel like I'm busted. PRE-busted. haha.
The whole situation is starting to wear on me. I feel guilty. (PRE-guilty).

I've decided that I will interview at the other company anyway. It might turn out to be the answer, and it might not - but don't I owe myself the perspective? I might just turn it down because it's an insanely long drive and I've gotten spoiled to the 8 minute run I've got now.
I think I want to continue where I am...........then I look back at previous posts and I think "What am I thinking? Happiness cannot be found here." Can it? Have I just not had the opportunity to be happy yet?
I feel like I owe this company the opportunity because they have put in the effort for me. Shouldn't I put some effort back?

The bottom line is that I'm looking for a 25 year job.
Is this it? Is the new offer it? Is there such a thing for me?

Conflicted.

Sunday 2-17-08 Week Seven

The Flu. Blech. Ptooie. Sneeze, cough, pass out. Nuff said.

The cellmate was off work Mon-Wed due to a loss in her family. (a brother she'd seen/spoken to once in 10 years but, no doubt, loved dearly)

Thursday came and I finally was able to take my flu and go home. I stayed in bed Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. I completely forgot little Riley's birthday on 2/17 but his mother, God bless her, called to remind me. THANK YOU! and shame on me.

Happy fourth birthday little man. I love you.

2-9-08 Week..um...six, I think....

Hell week! Once a year all of our outside sales reps converge on the Dallas office. It equates to having a big family holiday in your very small house. It's nice to see some of them. Some you wish would never have come. What's the saying? "Fish and house guests start to stink after three days." LOL
The delimma here is that the whole week is actually fun. It's a lot of people saying nothing but nice things to and about each other. That's such a radical change from the day-to-dayness that it inspires me to HOPE that this job has potential. It steers me away from the job hunt. It makes me BELIEVE that I want to continue this. Still, my jaded and cynical side tries so hard to keep me in check. I KNOW this isn't reality. We spend a week in a charade of "it's all going to be so much better". Everyone is really genuine about that thought, including myself because I really can see the potential of these two companies working together. But I KNOW it hasn't worked yet. Am I just too impatient? Am I too intolerant because of what I've seen in the past? Of course all this fussing is JUST ME.....or is it? Oh the doubt.

I guess that's why I'm writing all this stuff out. When I get deluded about the facts, I want the ability to read back and make sure I felt what I felt and experienced what I did. I don't want to focus on the frustrations, but I do want to be able to confirm the reality.

I'm tired from the week but at least there was laughter. If there were more laughter there, I could probably make it work. We'll see.

On that note, the cellmate, lost her favorite pet on January 29th and, while we were at our big trade show on Thursday 2/7, she got a call that her brother had passed away. Of course I stepped up as best I could to take as much burden off of her as possible. She'll be out next week and I'll do my best to keep things running. I do feel for her, but at the same time I'm very concerned about the future. She's very demanding of sympathy and she's a severly depressed person already. The woman has got to get therapy or some kind of happy pills because I've got my own demons and I might be less than caring if she dives into the pity-pot with all of us in tow. I will have to put that wall up and reinforce it's strength. I have the healing of myself and my family and my best friend still to contend with. I just have to have limits to maintain my own ability to function.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm exhausted yet restless. I'm hopeful and afraid. That sounds like an Alanis Morissette song, huh?

I sincerely hope that you all have some sort of peace in your lives. There's nothing wrong with a good rut, because in a good rut, there's nothing wrong.

Love, hope and kindness.
Aggie

Church or not?

I say again that I begrudge no one their faith. By all means, believe in something. However, my belief system is a mix of experiences, Cajun folklore and Bible Belt Baptisms. I suspect everyone's faith is truly different based on their own perception of reality...aka what they need to believe to find hope, comfort and make sense of their world.

I was quite amused today as the CEO told me of his belief in his patriarchal religion. I forget the name of this movement. It started about 10 years ago. It helps men learn to be "more giving" fathers and husbands. It's a pretty good idealism that, I'm sure, pays back when followed through.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit into my reality at all. I guess I am my father in the sense that I've always felt it my responsibility to manage the household and I've always been the bigger breadwinner. That's my own doing so no illwill toward my hubby. He works his ass off for what he gets and I respect that. Certainly, I couldn't do it without him. Regardless, that particular faith just doesn't fit me. (so I wish he'd stop trying to push it on me. UGH.)

I've decided that I'm joining a new church. The Church Of Google
There! Now I've pushed my faith off on everyone else.
You're not buying in either, are you?

Happy Wednesday and a better Troutday tomorrow. Does anyone do half-nekkid Thursdays anymore? That's a good faith to follow. LOL

1-30-08 A Smile for Illusions

Will you sing with me on a Sunday drive in the sunshine? :)

1-29-08 external conversations

The CEO said: "I need you to help me support her."
And I replied: "In what capacity?"

He took a pause to ponder that. This isn't the last of THAT conversation.
He said, "She's not comfortable w/moving to the other side of the wall."
and "Help me figure out how to give her more room."
and "We need to be sensitive because she thinks no one cares."
and I thought... "If EVERYONE cared, she'd still think no one cares."
He said, "There's some depression going on."
I'm no longer speaking at all. Just thinking.
And I thought, "Oh yeah? Ya think? Shrinkette maybe??- Oh wait - it's not her. It's all of us. It's a conspiracy."

The CEO said his wife is taking a class on how to be there for others. (THAT was transparent.)
And I thought "I could teach that class - but I'd advise against it. It's not good on the health. Does your class teach how not to let them drag you into hell with them? It's pretty exhausting. Do you just keep a distance? If you do, then your sincerity is fake."
And I thought, "Also, if I offer to take work from her - (which I have and she refuses because you'd feel less sorry for her if she didn' t have such a big burden) - then I've enabled her. Then I've paid her off....and that's what she's after. It will only begin again. There is no way to satisfy that. It is entirely cyclical. This will not end, nor will it better. She will continue like this until she self-destructs and I'm not willing to watch that again. Sorry. Been down that road. It ends badly. I will not care again. I will not feel again.I am sorry that I can't be compassionate anymore. Compassion is for suckers. Once you're a big enough sucker for it, you'll know too."



....and internal conversations.....

1-25-08 And the Oscar goes to...

...
"I would like to thank The Academy, my family for teaching me priorities, and all of my past employers for teaching me self preservation. More than anyone, I want to thank my Dad because Mom says I'm just like him and he would have loved this!"

Ladies and gentlemen, when the stuff hit the fan, I dug deep...

and I lied.

No, I didn't just lie. I PERFORMED. I acted my ass off. I became someone I'm not and I sold it like space heaters to Eskimos. They not only bought it, they PRAISED me because of it. I am, all at once, very jazzed about it and very, very ashamed.

Not ashamed enough to change it. <----THAT is the person I really am.

The movie is called: "They Filter E-mails, Don't They."
The plot: If you update your resume at work, don't e-mail it to your house with the word RESUME anywhere in the e-mail. (snicker)
I was busted.....but.....in a good way. See, the CEO panicked at the knowledge that I was searching for another job. He doesn't want to lose me. He and I work well together. That is true. We do. I genuinely like the man. He isn't the problem. SHE is.
So, he gently called me out on the job searching and he already had a real good idea of the problem. (Thank God for that!) I just kept agreeing with his explanation of the situation and he was pretty much spot on.
Then he and the owner asked me why I didn't tell them earlier..........and that's when I started to lie.

"Oh Rhett, (bat eyelashes) I really felt that the problem was all mine. I didn't think anyone had any issue with her but me. I thought it was just my inability to tolerate her. Ah'm so very sorry for not bringing it up earlier." Swoon. Fake faint. Fade to black.

Puh-leeze. The lady's lucky she doesn't have my serrated letter opener sticking out of her neck.

They came back with a very sincere, "You can talk to us about anything. Is there any other problem with the job? Is there anything else we can help fix?" And then they told me how they'd prayed about it and decided it was best to move her away from me.
That part they got right.

Ladies and gents, I am not the person I pretend to be. I am much darker. I am much less forgiving. I am very, very selfish. I will always, ALWAYS do what is best, in my mind, for my family and for myself. Those are my only priorities.
The CEO said to me, in his very devout way, that he read a book which taught him that the opposite of fear is love. When you love enough, you will sacrafice anything to protect love.
I'll buy that.
I love me. I love my family.
It ends there.
That is all I will ever protect.

The rest of them are on their own.

**Final note** I got it into my head that someone at work has made a connection between this blog and me. Maybe, maybe not. (I've only opened this site 3 times at work and then deleted the history. It could just be paranoia)
Here's the check: If I get a better offer, I'll take it. I've got about 20 years of life left. I'm not going to spend them being unhappy. That's "who I am because of what I've been through." If you grant HER that, then you have to grant me the same.

Week Three - Katie bar the door!! (1-14-08 - 1-18-08)

Health:
Mine: Didn't quit smoking. Grumpy and silent.
His: The antibiotics worked (thank gawd!) and he's not coughing or sneezing now. He also found Fortifense by Theraflu. It's vitamins and Ecinacia(sp?) and he believes it's keeping him in better health. Good. Keep taking it!

OH MY GAWD WHAT A WEEK! The co-worker got bombarded with extra work and she made everyone around her miserable for 40 straight hours (for the record. I am everyone.)How can ANYONE complain so much?! Her biggest problem, (and there are many) is that she doesn't just focus and get the job done. She has to exaggerate and blow everything out of proportion. This wastes so much time and makes things look even worse.
For example; on Friday she wasted an hour in the morning pulling a report to show how much work she had "been forced to do" all week. She said "I did 90 orders in 5 days!!" So, I ran the same report and edited out the ones she didn't actually have to enter and the number was 27. She did 27 orders - or 5ish orders/day.
I have to add that I did not offer to help. I'll explain why next.

The blowups got so bad, all of them "pity me", "poor me", "life sucks", "I'm burned out", "I want to quit", "Maybe they'll fire me." and mean, hang-up phone conversations with the sales reps she supports, that she called the CEO at home after hours to scream and cry about how unfair life is for her. I didn't offer to help because I WILL NOT play into that kind of attitude. If I do, I will eventually be stradled with the majority of her work and my own. I think the CEO knows this because he didn't ask me to assist her at all either.

HE DID ask me if I had any issues that needed airing out - because he would hate for them to fester. I said, "No. I'm fine." and "I'm certain that I could manage more work than I'm doing." (giving him an out if he needed it - but only through him, not her) In the end, he didn't give more work to me. He, having worked with her 7 years now and I'm certain he's used to this, ended up delegating some off to another person. I'm HIS assistant and he's selfish with me. Yay. I can live with that. haha

The final outcome for me was a conflict. I uploaded my resume to Monster.com AND I got a call on it the same day. I was excited about the possibility of leaving that insanity - but at the same time I felt wrong for not allowing the CEO the opportunity to resolve what is "festering" in my situation. He feels sorry for her and that's why she's still employed there. She won't go away. The self-pity is her lifestyle. There simply is no point in telling him how bothered I am by it. Nothing will change.

The reality is, as much as I like the man, I will leave him in a horrible lurch as soon as I find another job. And I will. And hopefully very soon. This weekend I will be hitting the job sites and corporate boards with resume and cover letters galore. I will feign dental appointments to cover my interviews. I will leave.

She will have a nervous breakdown when I do.
.....but then....who'll notice? Nothing will be any different than normal.

Next week will be better. I'm starting Week Four on 1-19 because I have Monday off and I want my better week to start now. :)

Love, kindness and peace of mind to you all.
Aggie