3-22-2006 Drug of Choice?

I have a dear friend. I care deeply for her and for her child. Yet, in the past 10 years, I have rarely known her to be happy. Quite the opposite, she is usually very unhappy. Extremely sad, actually.
Her child is following in mother's footsteps.

The hardest part is that I can see the inherent flaws from my safe, easy-chair, distance. I can see them and I think "you really need some professional help". I say the same but she'll get no help. She will continue down the same miserable path, constantly complaining of the misery. It breaks my heart.

I've come to think of her as an addict. She is addicted to her own suffering. An addict cannot see the damage they cause themselves but think the cure to the pain it causes is in the addiction itself. A never-ending circle. The very description of addiction.
A drug addict cannot heal without the will to heal themselves.
No person can make them see or make them heal without their own willingness.

This leads me to believe that her suffering gives her comfort. Without agony or drama she feels less of a person. If there is no drama, she will make some.
Isn't that odd? It is to me. I am apt to believe it is a legacy handed down from generation to future generation. It is all very sad.

I know that I cannot heal her. I know that her healing is not my responsibility but is her own. I stand by and idly watch. Is my addiction to watch her suffer? To say, "At least I am not her." No, I am getting help.

I am writing this here because I'm going to need it later today:
"This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. Dentists go on one root-canal at a time; boat-builders one hull at a time. If you write books, you go on one page at a time. We turn from all we know and all we fear. We study catalogues, watch football games, choose Sprint over AT&T. We count the birds in the sky and will not turn from the window when we hear the footsteps behind us as something comes up the hall; we say yes, I agree that clouds often look like other things--fish and unicorns and men on horseback--but they are really only clouds. Even when the lightening flashes inside them we say they are only clouds and turn our attention to the next meal, the next pain, the next breath, the next page. This is how we go on."

Why can't we be addicted to being healthy, kind, generous and free of damaging addictions? (Wow, that could be a philosophy behind a whole new church, huh?)

3-21-2006 Priorities (or: Boy aren't we confused?)

Did you look at the picture above and think "Awwww, ain't they cute?" Did you attach some semblance of "love" to these two cubs? We do that, don't we? Look at things in nature and give them human qualities. We only really give them "sweet" human qualities though.

Let's try this:

Human qualities? No? Animal instinct.
Although, this is a pretty good likeness of a couple of people I know just now.

I think we have our priorities all screwed up. I'm constantly aghast at how awfully we take each other for granted. Why can't we look at each other and think "Aww, ain't they cute?" Why can't we see the child inside that longs for affection? Why do we get so caught up in what we want that we stop giving?
Ahhh...a million questons in my brain today.
Do us all a favor.....love someone. Love them regardless of their faults. Hell, love their faults.

"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently."
-Agnes DeMille

"There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
-Leonard Cohen

"To speak gratitude is courteous and pleasant, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live gratitude is to touch Heaven."
-Johannes A. Gaertner

3-20-2006 Weekend Update

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] No.. I love it when you make noise. Remember when.. [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stated today that he is tired of using his silly accent in public, and will speak in English. This will in no way effect the content of what he has been saying.
SNL Transcripts
----------------------------------------

That was fun, huh? Ouch, my age is showing.
Chevy Chase was great. Probably still is. ;)

My Weekend Update:
It rained in Dallas. And then it rained some more.
A lot of people had forgotten what rain was and subsequently floated away.

I was not one of them.
I did, however, go out in the rain without an umbrella.

In other news: I went to see The Libertine.
Despite the boyish good looks of actor Johnny Depp, this film was disturbingly...uncomfortable. The movie bordered on an X rating. For Depp fans, this should have been a plus. Unfortunately it was not. Depp bared very little, including any true acting talent. The script ran like a 1970s porn flick against an 1810 background. A little "waka waka" and I might have enjoyed it a bit more.

And finally, our top story:
The standoff continues between mother and daughter. Daughter clearly has the upper hand but unfortunately does not have the good sense to see the future outcome of her actions. In a grand test of wills, the daughter has filed charges against the mother - "just to spite her". I have attempted to sit patiently and watch this Shakespearean drama unfold but, as usual, I have been sucked into the script. In order to maintan some semblance of sanity, I continue to deny to each party that I have spoken at all to the other party. At the very least, I am not a go-between.
I keep repeating to both, "What a shame the time you're wasting. Which one of you is going to be the bigger person and start this thing downt he right track?"
Mother is up for that. Daughter, not so much.
I pray there is therapy in their futures. I pray I'm not the therapist.

That's it for the Weekend Update.

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

St Patrick's Day

HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY

May Good Luck and Green Beer flow equally.

3-16-2006 HNT or else!

I thought I would have trouble sleeping last night...with all the "excitement" of yesterday. I was pleasantly surprised when I fell asleep quickly and went right into this amazing dream. In the dream I was an executive woman. I was one many looked up to. When the deal had to be negotiated and won, I was the one they brought in.I was invited to join on our next big corporate deal. "No one can get this guy to budge." they said. Confidently, I went along. A group of us entered a large, austentatious building and went right into the CEO's suite. The CEO turned out to be a young, tall, overly handsome man. He was dressed business but had a golfer's casual look about him. What caught me most was a head of unruly black curls that, it seemed, he would not bother to control. He didn't have to. He was filthy rich and brilliant to boot. He knew it and so did everyone in the room. The second our group walked in to his extravagant suite of offices his incredible, seductive, dark eyes locked with mine. I was the wildcard and he saw me coming. He liked that. So did I.We talked money and strategy and business...but he and I already felt the chemistry. We laughed easily and spoke as if this milion-dollar-deal was nothing more than children's hopscotch.We were meant for moments like this and we both knew it. The tease had begun like a cat and mouse tag. Because no one else in the room could keep up, he and I began to play our game against them instead of each other. We spoke in a language no one knew but us. The deal was already made. We knew we would find the middle ground but we kept at it sheerly for the enjoyment. And then we broke for lunch.The entire group, including this strapping young CEO wandered as a group, first into the elevator, through the lobby and then into the parking lot. All the while he and I stole mischevious glances at one another. Everyone began to split into riders and drivers. He and I never said a word. He walked a pace in front and I followed his lead.We jumped into his expensive SUV to find ourselves alone for the first time. With doors closed, he turned to me and asked, "So where do you want to go for lunch?" A quiet moment between us flowed.I grinned like a schoolgirl and replied, "Holiday Inn?" The rest of the dream was better than the first. Happy HNT.

3-15-2006 Your Regularly Scheduled Program

This Special Report has been brought to you by The Soylent Green Biscuit Company. The makers of fine food products.

Because Selective Humanity isn't just for breakfast anymore.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Just watch the screen and everything will be fine.

3-15-2006 Yay! Doldrums! (or There is Never Anything Good About a Five A.M. Phonecall)

We interrupt our regularly scheduled post to bring you this special report.
When this post is complete, we will return you to your program.

Warning:
This post contains graphic violence,
foul language, annoying self-pity
and intense selfishness.
This post may not be suitable
for children or people with
weak stomachs.

Are you stuck in a rut? Are you tired of the boring, day-to-day sameness of your life? Well get the f**k over it. Be JOYOUS about bland. Learn to LOVE predictable.
After all, it's all downhill from there.
(I'm suddenly reminded of the movie Soylent Green. When people were "chosen" to die, the were put in a room with pretty pictures on a screen. Fields of flowers, flowing brooks etc. which was overlayed by beautiful music. It was the HUMANE way to kill people. Sick movie that one. Quite amusing at the moment though.)

I created this blog as a place to vent the harsh realities of life. My life. My silly, predictable, routine, boring, unchallenging life.
Someone should have just slapped me right then and there.
Too late. I'm way too into this to stop now.

Special Report:
The phone rang at 5:00 a.m. on March 15th, 2006.
I looked at the caller ID and promptly ignored it.
It was the daughter of my best friend.
What went through my mind was horrid. I thought, "If she has overdosed, her daughter should be calling 9-1-1. If she's dead, I'm not ready to find out. I'll find out later. If the daughter has been in a car accident, she has other family members to call."
Sick, huh? Selfish? You bet.
It was 5:00 a.m.
In the entire history of phones there has never been a GOOD 5:00a.m. phone call!

I was not wrong.
In my defense, Jess is prone to DRAMA. She's 20. Why wouldn't she be?
She gets it from her mother.
I love them both regardless, but I am NOT in an emotional place to be of any help to either of them. (there's my nasty selfishness)

(You want to know what the phonecall was, don't you? We're getting there.)

History: My best friend is manic depressive. Her daughter is a 4.0 prelaw student. A brilliant child with an over-emotional view of life.
Neither of them will seek therapy for reasons that I entirely understand.
OH MY GAWD!!! I just realized I'm justifying this crap.

Fine.
Drama-Jess called back after I didn't answer the first time.
I figured someone was dead so I should answer the phone. I did and what came across was a completely calm, very conversational "Hi."
This immediately put me on the defense. I thought "oh boy, here comes the Poor Me soap opera." I was not disappointed.
Drama-Jess said "I thought you would want to know that mom's in jail."
(Uh-oh.)
"Why? What happened."
"She beat the s**t out of me."
(Well damn! Damn and double damn! This has never happened before. I KNEW she shouldn't have been given those steroids by that freaking doctor. She had a sciatic nerve problem. Sterioids should be outlawed just because of the uncontrollable emotional state they put people in and THAT'S what I'll tell the judge at her freaking trial which I will be attending in the future. ((more selfishness)))

"Jess, what caused this?"
(Now, I said Jess is 20 right? She's at that perfect age where EVERYTHING is FOREVER. I hate that age. It's the one where breakups are a life-threatening experience. It's the age, caused by inexperience, that girls do not understand the depth of things that happen to adults. It's the most selfish age.)

Jess replied "I don't know." which I really, highly doubted.
I said, "What happened to set her off?" (drill a little deeper kiddo!)
"She handed me this note and said 'read this out loud' and when I didn't she hit me across the face. Then she did it again until I called the police."
(not that it really matters but the visual here is a 46yr old, 92 lb woman smacking her much larger, much younger daughter)

Are you sick? I am.

Jess moved back in with her mother about a month ago. Since then she has cost her mother well over a thousand dollars. Cars, health insurance, sick pets, tuition expenses, groceries...etc. Her mother does not have that money. Jess works. Jess works, hides her money from her mother, pays for nothing, expects the world to be handed to her and constantly talks about the "trip to Las Vegas" that she is going to take for her 21st birthday next month.
She also doesn't see what's wrong with any of the above.

Jess's mother complains. Daily. Hourly.
She blames Jess for all the bad things in her own life. She blames Jess for all the things she can't do because she has no money.
Jess's mother is not a strong woman and she is horrifically selfish for a 46yr old mom. That drives me up a wall.
Jess's Mom will tell you she's not selfish. She'll tell you that she gives and gives and gets nothing in return.
I, having no children, think that giving and giving and getting nothing in return is NORMAL when raising a child and that it will work itself out later on when Jess has the experience to grasp all that her mother gives.
Jess's mom doesn't want to wait that long.

SO - Jess's mom had this hip/nerve problem. Took steriods for a week (which I remided her again and again "remember that your emotions are chemical emotions until you're over this stuff") and now the situation has gone beyond repair.

Hold on...this is going to get ugly:
I will now be required to "be there for her". I do not wish to "be there for her". I do not wish to "be there for" either of them.
I do not wish to be non-judgemental, consoling, advising, assisting, witnessing, or any of the other things that I will put my life on hold to do.
And that makes me a bad person because that's NOT who I am. I'm the one that saved Jess's Mom from suicide 12 years ago. I'm the one that has lead her through these past 12 years of drama. (and there's been more than enough!!) I have talked her off of more ledges than I care to remember and I have mediated a fair share of mom-daughter disagreements.
Now I just wish I hadn't answered that phone.

I WANT MY BORING LIFE BACK.

Yesterday I was sending and receiving happy, silly, joking e-mails with Jess's Mom.
All I can think now is "what was on that note."

So, the next time I'm whining about my boring, unchallenging, samedom....someone remind me about 5:00a.m. phone calls. Remind me that routine is a damned sight better than dead pets, dead fathers and psychotic friends.
Remind me that there was a time when life was boring and I was one helluva lot closer to happiness then.

Happy Mother-Freaking-Wednesday. Please revel in the boredom!

3-14-2006 Shutting up the Inner Voice

So we've discovered that people think differently. (something that schools could use some insight into)
Some of us think in words, others pictures, some both.

I'll circle back to this question: "When you go to bed, turn out the lights, roll over and get comfy....what goes through your head?" but I'll change the context.

Now I'm not asking how but exactly what.
Christa said she analyses her day. Tracey's voice just keeps on chatting. Mine does too. My inner voice chats about the future or gets stuck on one thing and beats that to a pulp.

But WHAT IF YOU DON'T WANT THOSE VOICES OR IMAGES? What do you think of to push them away? Do you have control over them enough to think of other things?

My solutions are many and my current solution is like counting sheep...only sort of worse. In the wake of grief, and a number of thoughts I'd rather not have in the dark of night, I have taught myself to think the alphabet...backward!!
ZXYWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA
If I can focus enough to do that, I can't think of anything else. A few dozen times and I'll fall asleep doing it. It is getting boring though.

I also have the ability to fantasize. I suppose we all do.
If I'm lucky, I can mentally project myself into a sort of self-made movie. Usually with someone I'm attracted to...usually with someone I've never met or will never meet. Movie stars or musicians for instance.
Let's call that a hold-over from teenagedom. (back when posters of Shaun Cassidy were on my walls)
I can put myself in imaginary instances and sort of write a story around it. This is nothing more than distraction and is rarely (really rarely) ever about anything but companionship. I suspect men do this with pretty women.(those that think at all before konking out) If they don't, they're really missing out. :D

Regardless, quieting my mind is not something I can even imagine. And that's another post in itself.

So, "When you go to bed, turn out the lights, roll over and get comfy....what goes through your head?"
Do you ever direct your thoughts away from what comes naturally? If so, how?

3-13-2006 Inner Voice

Today's post is a question.

"How do you think?"

I've recently learned that individuals THINK differently.
Let me explain:
I think in first person monologue. That is to say that I think very much like I am typing now.

This monologue continues constantly, both day and night. The voice to my monologue is my own. I do not hear my mother's voice in my head chiming past mom-isms. I do not hear the voices of fictional characters, although the occasional Bugs Bunny come-back does pass through.

There is no time that I do not hear this monologue. It is my only thought process. It goes on during all actions and events. Sometimes it is even relevant to what I am doing at the time. Most often, it is not.

When I explained this to my brother I was met with a blank stare. "The voice in your head, huh?" he grinned.
"Well yes." I replied, entirely confused.
I asked, "When you go to bed, turn out the lights, roll over and get comfy....what goes through your head? Do you not think?"
"Well, I see pictures but I don't hear voices." he retorted.

The thought of an inner monologue was entirley foreign to him. The idea of "seeing pictures" is pretty foreign to me.
Do I see images? Yes, but they are not only accompanied by the "voice" they are actually conjured by it.

So I asked my husband, "When you go to bed, turn out the lights, roll over and get comfy....what goes through your head?"
And he replied...."nothing". Which explains why he goes to sleep inside of 5 minutes and has never ever had insomnia.
It explains a lot more than that too. hah

I do not have the ability to "turn off" the voice. But that's a post for another time.

My question is: How do you think?
And for those of you who speak multiple languages: "In what language do you think?"

3-11-2006 Oops

Went to be last night thinking I would wake up early, drink coffee, open all the windows and clean this freaking house.
There are leaves budding on trees and there are new blossoms on the Bradford Pear trees. (landscaper's dream)
I am ready for spring - spring cleaning - NEW!
I NEED to put winter behind me.

But that's not what happned at all.
I woke up 2hours after my 8:a.m. alarm with the headache of the century. I came downstairs to find a message from my sister that she's upset because I won't be attending her party tonight. I told her I probably couldn't make it. (engine light's still on and it's in Houston) but she seems awful upset that I won't be there.
So now I'm sad and achy and late.
Fudge.

I think I'll call her and hope she forgives me. Maybe then I'll feel better.

Here's my only fractal. And it's very odd as fractals go. It's really only a play on light and color.
I seem to have an attraction to things of this nature lately. Maybe looking for a light at the end of a tunnel. Maybe looking for the tunnel. hah

I am going to spend the rest of the weekend working on a Monday post that I hope to elaborate on all week. A research project, if you will.
I hope y'all will stay tuned and join in the conversation.

Have a splendid weekend wherever you are. :)

3-10-2006

Doin' the "Friday Shuffle"


Turn up the tunes and dance like nobody's watchin.

(but watch out because I'm watchin.)

3-9-2006 Half Nekkid?

It's Half Nekkid Thursday...which is quite appropriate in that I have nothing to wear to work today. Maybe I should just go in half-nekkid.
Probably not. And no, it wouldn't be much of a photo op for me.

I'll just hope that the rest of you have some glorious half-nekkidness steaming off of your websites. I do look forward to these Thursdays.
I will say that I did attempt to put some Johnny Depp half-nekkidness on my site today, only to find that the little bastage wears clothing entirely too much. Maybe some other day.

All I have is a weird little fractal.


or two.

Consider them half-nekkid fractals.
Have a great Thursday. :D

3-8-06

Is it Wednesday already??
I completely overslept.

It's going to rain super-hard today. I love rain. Makes me all sleepy and peaceful. (I can see that it's going to be one of those days. haha)


I think I'll go nap in the shower and then go to work so I can nap some more.
That is, if I can get out of the chair without falling asleep.
Happy Humpday all.

(You really feel the urge to yawn right now, don't you? Type "yawn" into Google and select "image" on the toolbar. It's hysterical all the yawn pics that people post. And yawns are contageous. You'll end up joining the pics.)

3-6-06 Ramblings

What have I got for postings today?
Not much really.

How about a smile to light the world?


Yeah, that will do just fine.

If Monday was a theme park, Tuesday is a play date.
Let's all go play on the swings and slide down the slide. I can climb the monkey bars all the way to the top. And when we're up there, we'll just lay on our backs and look at the clouds floating by.

"Start by doing what's necessary,
then what's possible,
and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
-Saint Francis

Welcome to Monday.

3-4-2006 Peace

"Ever since my
house burned down
I see the moon more clearly"

Ashes and Snow

Love and peace to all who pass by this way.

This is a beautiful and peaceful website. Choose "experience" and flow through the photos and videos.

**Please note that this website was featured on Yahoo Picks yesterday and most unfortunately, it doesn't appear to have the bandwidth to service everyone at once.
Please bookmark it and go back if it won't load for you today. It will touch you deeply and it is very worth the effort.

3-3-06 Freebie Friday

My sister (seeeester) is very big on cheap and free. Not that she's either. She's tied down and very high maintenance. Bwwahaha. (not really)
Anyway, she got in with a group who shares coupons and links to "free stuff".
So, every now and again, I'm going to drop a few of those links here. You can sign up if you like and "Yes, big brother is watching what you buy."
Regardless, free Pantene was pretty good and I've run across free hose and free undies too. Go figure.
(was that FNF? "Free undies")

Here's "Free Dove Crap"(and it's not really bird poop)

and how about some Free Deoderant? My sister wrote "cause I can smell ya from here". heh. She's funny, huh?

Nothing like a Freebie on Friday. (or was it "nothing like a quickie on Friday?" I get confused. )

Happy Friday!

3-2-06 "Organize" used as an oxymoron

AOL Tech support suggests that I back up the "organize" folder in my AOL files.
AOL Tech support is obviously not talking about my pc.

I have had AOL for 6 years. I have e-mails from 2000 in my "filing cabinet". I wish to keep these e-mails. Sentimental value and all.

In the past 6 years I have had to upgrade or reload AOL at least 8 times.
I know this because each upgrade/reload creates a new AOL instead of replacing the old. It looks like this:
AOL 8.0
AOL 8.0a
AOL 9.0
AOL 9.0a (security Edition)
etc

The problem is that there are now 16 instances of the "organize" folder on my PC. Some are where they should be. Others are in bizarre places. Some "organize" folders are inside of other "organize" folders. Sometimes, when you enter an "organize" folder there is a link to an "organize" folder inside of another "organize" folder. (click the pic to see the full version. It will make yor head explode.)

AOSMELL does not have the ability to tell me WHICH of the 16 folders it is using.
Brilliant, huh?
I can hit the "backup" button all day long but I have no idea where it backed up to.
There is only one way to know. I must copy/paste each instance of "organize" into one file (hoping it's the one being used) and then log on to AOhHell and SEE IF IT CHANGED.
IF I pick the right folder and the right location to copy into, I will write over whatever file it is using now.
Again with the brilliantness.
(yes...backup all organize folders before testing the theory)

So, in effect, the "organize" folder is not at all organized. It is, in fact, the antithesis of organization.

3-1-06

OMG...I made it to March.
It seems the past six months (the past three especially) have been about 47 years long. Today's date seems to be some long awaited "right of passage" sort of day. In reality, it is only the same as yesterday.

As for the PC issues, I suspect my problems have a lot to do with Internet Exploder and AOHell. I would just reinstall but....ah....it's a long story and not worth our time.

A bit sad though. Whatever is eating my PC lost all my "favorite places" and try as I might, I cannot restore them. There were a lot of links there that Dad and I shared. Sigh.

Well, here's a pretty (odd) fractal for the day. It's a bit dim but it's all I've got. Happy Wednesday all.

2-28-2006 BROKEN!!!

ACK! EGAD! GUFFAW!
My home PC has decided I can no longer surf blog pages. This started yesterday and has gotten significantly worse. The PC will auto-reboot on Tracey's page or Trée's page before anything actually loads. System resource problems I think.
I'm going to try to work on it but please don't freak. I'm not ignoring you guys. I seem to be able to see my own for the moment so I'll have to do the best I can. :(
So sorry.
Time for the old FORMAT C:/!

2-28-2006

Baby Kiwi

Another National Geographic Pic. Doesn't he look scared to death? Poor little thing.
What he doesn't know is that he's a very rare and special creature. He just feels confused and afraid but he's really very unique and very loved.

I think we're all exactly that way. We're all just muddling by and doing the best we can. We're confused and self-conscious and suffering, but we're all so very special and unique. (some people are a little more "special" than others, hah!)

Happy Tuesday.

2-27-2006

"Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was given to us to console us for what we are."

-Mark McGinnis

2-26-2006 God

Okay, question, I say to Morrie. His bony fingers hold his glasses across his chest, which rises and falls with each labored breath.
"What's the question" he says.
Remember the Book of Job?
"From the Bible?"
Right. Job is a good man, but God makes him suffer. To test his faith.
"I remember"
Takes away evrything he has, his house, his money, his family...
"His health."
Makes him sick.
"To test his faith."
Right. To test his faith. So, I'm wondering...
"What are you wondering?"
What you think about that?
Morrie coughs violently. His hands quiver as he drops them by his side.
"I think," he says, smiling, "God overdid it."

Tuesday's With Morrie by Mitch Albom

2-24-2006 Sunset

Friday is sort of the "sunset" of the week isn't it?

That would make Saturday a bright new morning, right?

Click here and fill your day with laughter. Calvin and Hobbes

Love and Hugs and Happy Sunset.

2-23-06 The song is stuck in my head....

"Remember, we are eternal...


...all this pain is an illusion."

2-22-2006

This is my version of Christa's "Leaf".

Her's is enormously better but I can only do so much with fractalware.
Let's just call mine a "tribute".

(p.s.) If you haven't already, please comment in the post below. We need more songs for our "Road Trip" album. :)~

2-21-06 Tagged by a Christa

(and me wihtout a fractal to be found.)

I got tagged to list 7 songs that I'm currently into.
Here's the thing about that: I'm a lyrics person. I learn songs so I can sing (badly) along with things that relate to my situation....whatever that may be at the time. I also obsess. That is to say that I will play the same song for days at a time.

Having said that, I did this back exercise back in August 2005 and wow what a difference 6 months can make.
Here's the August list: 10 Songs

Today's list: (there will be a quiz at the end)

1. Tool - Parabola
"This body holding me
reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember; we are eternal,
all this pain is an illusion."

2. Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon (the whole album, yes it's cheating)
"Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be."

3. John Mayer - Victoria
"I might not be seeing him soon"

4. John Mayer - Quiet
"Somehow I can't seem to find The quiet inside my mind"

5. Staind - Outside
"I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me"

6. Triumph - Killing Time
"Time was slipping away,
Passing us by, now I could cry
Cause it's gone. Gone forever my friend
And it won't come again;
It's moved on and left us behind..."

7. Dave Matthews - The Dreaming Tree
"She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her,
"You'll always be my baby."
"Daddy come quick,
The dreaming tree has died
I can't find my way home
There is no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died."

Ok - so that wasn't the most encouraging, enlightening list. It's acutally pretty good proof that I should seek a psychiatrist soon. :)
Maybe music is therapy. Let's go with that for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I'm going to change the tag some. This tag is for anyone who took the time to read all that stuff up there. Don't post on your website, just post your tag in my comments. I'll add them all up.

TAG: What is the best "road trip" song?
I'll start and we'll make a list again.

1. Radar Love - by Golden Earring

2-20-2006 Home again

“"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.”

Cake batter is a good thing...but red-velvet cake batter on your two year old looks a bit odd.


And then there's Hot Wheels.


Unfortunately, the was so much going on that I didn't get much in the way of pics. Still..it was a great party with lots of family and friends.
Happy Monday all.

2-17-2006 Truckin

You're sick of hangin' around and you'd like to travel;
Get tired of travelin' and you want to settle down.
I guess they can't revoke your soul for tryin',
Get out of the door and light out and look all around.

Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me What a long, strange trip it's been.

Truckin', I'm a goin' home. Whoa whoa baby, back where I belong,
Back home, sit down and patch my bones, and get back truckin' on.

It was hard not to post that whole song. I love every verse of it. Grateful Dead. Jerry Garcia. There was a man who really got it.

Anywho...I'm driving down to Houston to see the little sprout. He's having a birthday and I'm going to be his favorite aunt...someday...when he can say my name. Hah. (Oooo....there will be new piccies when I get back. Yay!)

Everyone have a wonderful weekend full of love and fun. If it's going to be as cold where you are as it is here, you'd better get yourself a snuggle-bunny. That goes for you too Linny - even if it's just a gal-pal and a good chick-flick. (how many hyphenated words can I put in one paragraph?)

Love to all of you.
Remember....the moon I'm looking at every night is the same one you see...even if you're half a world away. :) I'll be thinking of you and hopeing you're well.

2-16-06

Our list:
Home
Love
Soulmate
Sexy
Acceptance
Good Luck
Free Hand
Anytime
Got your back
Friend

These are words that give peace. These are some of the words we use to
shine our light into the darknes of other people's worlds.

My confession:
I have been terribly internal these past 7 weeks. Yesterday was the first time someone outside of my family truly needed some of those words from me. I find it odd that I had to summon up the courage to speak to her...as if it were "work".
Regardless, I did talk to her. I did find compassion and empathy but it was littered with "get over it" in my mind. That's just not like me.
"HOPE"
That's a very very important word. THAT must be given from our light of compassion to those suffering.
I just don't know where I stand with that word right now. It is as if the danged thing needs to be drug from the back of the closet and dusted off...shined even. It is not that I don't have hope, it just seems tarnished.

Ah well.
"Dear Jess, you WILL get into a good college. Not the one you wanted but you are a brilliant child. One reject letter just means your fate lies elsewhere. Where you go, you will find you were meant to be.
Acceptance will come soon enough."

Happy Thursday all.

As heavy as stone and as blue as I go...



I was just wondering if you'd come along
Hold up my head when my head won't hold on

Dave Matthews ~ The Stone



Better than a thousand useless words is one word that gives peace.
-Buddha

2-14-06 Valentines and a bunch of signs

Happy Valentine's Day all. I hope you find flowers or chocolates or happy cards. If not, go buy them yourself tomorrow. They'll be half price.

Here is our fractal o' the day. I don't know what it is but it looked pretty cool so I kept it. Is it a box of abandoned cards? Is it wooden planks of a door?
You tell me.


Now...about the "signs" part.
I am going to Houston on Friday (took the day off) for my nephew's 2nd birthday part.
I am excited...and yesterday I learned I am also apprehensive.
Who wouldn't be? I'll be driving into an emotional state. That might be a very hard thing to drive back out of.
Here are the signs though:
1) I searched everywhere to find the gift I want to get him and ended up settling on books. (I just wanted sheets and blankets with the moon on them. Why is that so hard?)

2) THIS happened on my not old car. It's not the gas cap or any of the fluids. I checked. The belts and air filter are new. Dad was a mechanic. I think he's trying to tell me not to go to Houston. I'm sure the thing needs a tune up but I'm not financially in that place. (and what is "soon"? How generic is that? "Service Soon"....That thing has a computer on it. Why can't it just say "Replace Spark Plug Now?")

3) My best friend said "I don't think you should go. You're not ready." to which I replied "It isn't about me. We're still a family and it's entirely about US."

4) The weather is now calling for "wintry mix" Friday/Sat'day/Sunday. I know how dumb people get here when it rains...heaven forbid snows. I have "Freewayphobia" when the sun's out.

So all these things are adding up and I keep getting more apprehensive about going.
And then I think I'm LOOKING for signs. You know...if you look you'll find them.
Am I looking for excuses?

I'm mailing the gifts tomorrow just to be safe. I honestly do not know what to do now.
(and for the record, flying isn't an option just like a tune-up isn't an option)

Happy Tuesday all. Happy Valentine's Day if you're with someone you love.

2-13-06

Let's all laugh like this today.



That's a good laugh! Straight from the heart and with reckless abandon.
There probably isn't much better in this whole world than a child this young finding YOU funny.

"Okay", he says. "Now it's your turn."

2-11-2006

Thank you dear Tracey for not making me go to bed with one line of a song stuck in my head and no idea the rest.
You saved me from a great big "I hate it when that happens.". :D

Thank you my dearest Trée for moonlight and frogs and love in abundance. There is nothing and no one like you in this world.

For all of you:
"IF" by Bread
If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can't I paint you?
The words will never show the you I've come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
There's no one home but you,
You're all that's left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I'd be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I'd spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

2-10-06 Friday again

Friday is my quick day. I have to be at work early so I have little time to post or catch up.

Here's all I've got to give at the moment.


and furthermore:


Now, I have a song stuck in my head. Someone please tell me the name of it or at least the artist. I can only get as far as one line:

"If a face could launch a thousand ships, then where am I to go?"
(think late 70s ballad)

Love to you all and happy/short Friday. (unless you're on a beach somewhere...then Happy incredibly long Friday.)

2-9-06 A different circle

There was once a whole, made of two halves.
Each half balanced the other.
Balance was necessary, in action, emotion, reason...

And now there is only one half.
One half searching for balance but tilting, lilting.
One half with nothing but extremes.
One half overwhelmed with emotion
over-required of action
hanging tightly to slipping reason.

1-8-06

I'm having a difficult time putting thought into words today.
To be fair, it isn't even 7a.m. yet so I guess I shouldn't expect much.

Anyway, Trée do you remember one of your posts from a year or so ago that asked something like "Can you last a day without thinking ill of anyone."
Of course, it sounded much more eloquent when you said it.
The point is that I remember it and I've gotten way off that track and I'm working hard to get back to it.

I find it interesting that I am one thing on this blog and slightly another in "reality". I think you all see more of me than the outward world. Isn't that odd?
But I have changed in the last year. There was a time when I was so very empathetic to everyone around me that it actually made me ill from worry. I had to learn to moderate that...but in doing so I slipped a bit too far.
Someone I know told me of a tragedy that befell her many years ago. She is merely an acquaintance, and the telling was not in response to anything I said...she just put it out there. I suppose the anniversary of the event is coming up.
I find her to be a very negative person overall...constantly seeking "the dirt" on someone or sharing reasons to be angry.
I have HUGE walls up when she comes around.
Regardless, I would have shown some sort of sympathy regarding her tragedy. Instead I just got offended. "Too much information" I thought.
And then I thought "what a horrible thing for me to think".
She's a nice girl...just doing the best she can. She searches for something/someone to be mad about because it fills some kind of need in her.

I won't do it again. I will care instead.

I think, in trying to become a better person, I have to ask myself "Who do I NOT want to be?"
I do not want to be uncaring.
I do not want to be negative.
I do not want to be unkind.

What do you not want to be?

1-7-06 The Circle

Funny how things just keep coming back around in our lives.
Better if they come around and you give them to someone else.

I have a book of poems that I wrote when I was a child.
This is not one of them.

I remember writing this verse from a song by Billy Squire. I heard it yesterday and I was suddenly that child again.

Time for all and all in time

We slip beyond the borderline

of who we are

and where we long to be.

It seemed relevant somehow. I'm not really sure how.
Maybe it is just the comfort of familiar emotion.

On that note: My sister's in-laws have been profoundly comforting in the past 4 months...as our lives changed so drastically.
I received a card from her yesterday. I was quite surprised by it but mostly I was overwhelmed at the compassion and empathy she gives so freely.
In that card she included a poem that she wrote when she was a teenager. She wrote it just after her father died. He went to work one day and never came home. He was killed on the job.
How very kind of her to share something so deeply emotional.

What an awful thing it must have been to lose him in what seemed like a normal day. What a terrible surpirse. I think of all the others who must have gone through the same thing. (car wrecks, 9/11, soldiers, heart attacks...)
I suppose I was lucky. I didn't lose him as a child and I we did get to say goodbye...well, not actually goodbye...just "No matter what happens, I love you."
I think I want to say that to everyone now.

"No matter what happens, I love you."

1-6-06

Needing New:
I think it is a cleansing thing that has come over me. I recall my freind doing this during her divorce. Suddenly nothing seems to have any real importance. Material things are....clutter.

I am cleaning.
Well, actually I am throwing away.
I am emptying cabinets and filling garbage bags.
It seems very easy to look at something now and say "This thing I can do without. This thing has no meaning. This thing has no value."
It seems that I want to narrow my life down to only that which has meaning, memory or relevance.
No more half-empty shampoo bottles that I'll need one day. No more off-color makeup sitting in a drawer because I might run out of the right color.
No more curio cabinet full of trinkets to pretty up the place. It's all just clutter.
As for reading 10% of the books I own...nope. If it hasn't been read I'm selling it off. I don't want 100 books with 100 regrets of not ever having taken the time.
On the same note, I'm reading 5 books at once now so I'm not real sure how the math works out on that one. hah

Tag:
10 things to do before I die:
1. Let them know I love them.
2. Let them know I love them.
3. Let them know I love them.
4. Let them know I love them.
5. Let them know I love them.
6. Let them know I love them.
etc.
That's all that matters. If I get to go to Italy someday, great. If not...it changes nothing.

I threw away the list of things to do before I die. I gave up my regrets.
I'm going to try to work harder on the list above.

Superbowl Sunday

Well, since we can get back into the blog-o-sphere, I've tidied up a bit. I think it all works again. (minor enhancements included)
The best news is that I am completely archived. That's good because I really needed to keep a record of things.

There are some edits I haven't bothered to finish today. "Open Vents" still shows every comment on the main page. I'm not sure I'll change that but I would like to add a graphic here and there.
I'd like to add a few other graphics about the place but I haven't found the right ones yet. I guess it's always a work in progress anyway, huh?

I do hope you all have a good Superbowl Sunday. (Christa, I suppose this day has no significance where you are, huh?)
Superbowl Sunday, to me, only means that the hubby will be entirely distracted all day and I can get some things done. Oh, and fun commercials too.

I'm seeing "word verification" at the bottom of my "Create Post" box. Do you suppose that's what bombed our connections last night? Why should I have to verify what I logged in already to enter? Hmmmm. Are spammers now able to POST on our blogs?
What a world.

Love to all of you. I hope you have a great day. I'll be back this evening to check in with you all.
Here's wishing you beer, chips, bar-b-que and a nap on the couch.

back up

So I'm trying to backup the blog per the blogger instructions and I don't like the results.
Following the instructions I get nothing but a page of text.

I've decided it would be more productive to edit the source code to show all comments.
I can set the archiving to 999days using blogger's settings - and thus...see everything. Then save as should (maybe) work.

Problem is, I can't figure out what to change in the source code to show all comments.
The Blogger backup says to write over your entire template with this:
<--- -blogger>
AUTHOR: -$BlogItemAuthor$>
DATE: -$BlogItemDateTime$>
-----
BODY:
-$BlogItemBody$>
--------
-blogitemcommentsenabled>
-blogitemcomments>
COMMENT-AUTHOR:<$BlogCommentAuthor$>
COMMENT-DATE:<$BlogCommentDateTime$>
COMMENT-BODY:<$BlogCommentBody$>
--------
-/blogitemcomments>
-/blogitemcommentsenabled>
-/blogger>
--->
The part in green is the "show all comments" html.
(I had to change the "<" to "-" for the sake of this post but I know what it means.)

Now, I'm going to see if I can go blind trying to figure out WHERE to add that and what to delete to make it work.
I'm saying this in case things get very wonky around here.

Wish me luck.
Aggie

2-7-08 Saturday plans

Kitty:

who is "macking" for the camera here (poser) is going to the vet today. It's time for bloodwork and such.
He's the diabetic one...and our only remaining baby. He's also 16yrs old, which in kitty years is 80.
He's not doing bad for 80 but he is getting a bit feeble and sometimes he stands in the bathroom and howls at nothing. We think it's his shadow maybe. He has cataracts and I'm sure nothing is all that clear. Poor kitty.

Then, I guess we're going to go out and buy food so we can couch all day tomorrow. Something about a football game or something. Whatever. I hope the guys in purple win. (hah)

Tra-la-la. Have a happy weekend.

Quick Friday

Learn to write your hurts in sand.
Learn to carve your blessings in stone!
-Unknown

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.
-David Viscott

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.
-Mother Teresa

And these words from John Mayer's "1983" ringing in my head today:

"These days

I want to be six again

Oh make me a red cape

I want to be Superman...

...Send your prayers to me

Care of 1983

You can paint that house a rainbow of colors, rip out the floorboards, replace the shutters but...that's still my plastic in the dirt. Whatever happened to....whatever happened to my lunchbox? When came the day that it was thrown away and don't you think I should have had some say in that decision?"

A reprisal of fractalism:

2-2-06 Things that make you go "Hmmm"

"LIGHTENING STRIKE"

OMG! The phone rang at 6:30a.m. and my mother's name came on the caller ID. (freak out)
She's ok. Whew!
She saw something on the news and she had no one to share it with. Something big.
Something big to us anyway.

She heard that the place my father worked for 16 years will close its doors tomorrow.
We let our mouths hang open on that.

Here's the life lesson we'll carry away from it. The one to share.
"Do not continue working in a job where you're unhappy. If you're miserable, start today looking for something better!"

He worked there for 16yrs. He did it with a smile regardless of the idiocy. Because my Dad knew and shared humor, he did have very close friends there. A number of them came to the funeral. One cried at the podium. A grown man cried for the loss of a co-worker...a friend.

About 8 years ago Van Tyle Corporation (sp) bought the dealership.
They cut everyone's pay in half.
Still Dad stayed on.
They cut staff and benefits.
And he stayed on.
They changed his hours to include Saturdays.
And he stayed.

Dad was afraid to leave because of his age. Where would he find another job? He'd built benefits and had health insurance. The pay cut left them with just enough to live on. (my parents have always lived within their means - not extravagant)
So he never left. He was abused by an ignorant, doom-sayer boss who not only made him do all the work and complained constantly, but hired on his own son. His son who couldn't get a job because of DWI convictions and such. The boy was hired to work under my father. That nearly drove my Dad mad.

Dad just wanted to work there another 5 years and be done with it.
5 more years and he would be 67 and Mom would be 65. They could retire and go on Medicare.
But he didn't make it.
Now....neither will they.

I have a sadness in my heart for the good people he worked with.
Dad would have been unemployed anyway. He'd be working on an ulcer already.
We beat Van Tyle...the hard way.

Maybe he put a little hex on that "humanless" Corporation.

Wow. What an incredibly odd mix of emotions this is.


Happy Thursday all. It's almost the weekend.

2-1-06 Oblio

The post today is about Oblio.
Oblio was born different than the rest of the town. Their heads were all pointed but his was round.
He was banished into a deep and scary forest...in search of the point.
He found it.

The movie (cartoon) was named The Point and it came out in 1971.
Ringo Starr was the narrater, I think George Harrison was the cartoonist and Harry Nilsson sang "Me and My Arrow". (if you know the song, it will be stuck in your head all day.)
Harry Nilsson also wrote the story.
Mostly I remember that the artwork pretty much defined all 1960's animation artwork as far as I was concerned.
The artwork, the story and the dog (Arrow) are what I remember.
It was a good story.

Anyway, little Oblio wandered through this forest and met many a deranged character.
Last night, while fractalizing, I accidentally created this "scary forest" looking thing and now we're all caught up. (Which is to say that THAT brought us to HERE.)

Scary Forest


I guess we're all wondering through our own scary forest, meeting interesting characters. Some characters are good. Others bad. Some have good hearts and bad brains.
The point is, we learn from all of them....and eventually....if we're paying attention......we'll find The Point too.

Happy Wednesday.