8-20-2008 A new post....

Dragonfly

I have things to say, updates to add, thoughts to share.....and I hope, soon, that I will.
May this little post find you safe and well and peaceful in your worlds. I am thinking of you...don't you doubt it. Every full moon and every fractal and every sketch and every bear or crow pic. You cross my mind with every new book, every photo of a child, every great new song to share.



Take good care.

Aggie

4-10-08 - My first tornado

I woke up at 3:40 a.m. hearing wind and rain like I've never heard it. I got up to see what was happening and started hearing things banging into the west side of the building. I woke the hubby just when the power went out.

I looked out our bedroom at the west-facing window to see a green wall of water. It looked like being inside a car at an automatic car wash. It was lighted from behind and green. AAAAAAaaaaaa. My heart started to race!

I ran downstairs to check the damage and get us into the bathroom downstairs. The front door leaks when it rains and we had a pretty good puddle in the foyer. My hubby came down, quite bleary-eyed, and started mopping things up while I tried to get the cats into carriers.......a fruitless attempt. I don't think he was really awake or even grasped the gravity of the situation. He couldn't seem to understand why I wanted everyone in the bathroom. Fortunately, the winds started to ease up in about 5 minutes and I started to relax. We lit some candles and just sat in the dark.

He fell asleep on the couch in no time at all. My heart was still pounding. The power came back on so I checked the news to make sure it was over and then went back to bed for an hour.

This morning the news stations said it was an F1 tornado. 85mph winds.

I don't ever want to experience that again. It was NOT fun.

A promise not kept.

I don't recall now if it was Thursday or Friday when I made the promise. I said I would update. I got tagged and intended to follow through...but then...
I'll get around to weeks 9 through 12 later. When I find the time. I'm working on the tag in my head but not yet in my own space.
The weekend was a total bust. What, in our world, is known as Good Friday turned out to be Very Bad Friday compliments of Flexaril, Xanax, a cellphone and Best Buy. Those are key words so I'll remember the cause and the event. It means nothing to anyone but me anyway.

Everything in life is fragile at all times. Even a good rut can be shattered without intent or forewarning. If we're lucky, we can find our way back to our rut.....our comfort zone. If we're lucky, we can move forward in life without more damage. We can live without walking on eggshells.
But we never really lose the scars, do we?

Everything is back to normal now....for now.
May we all have a peaceful, rut-filled, boring week.
Until next time.
Hugs and love.
Aggie

Week Eight. 2/23/08

Monday - phone call from headhunter with decent job offer. (Nice guy too.)
The owner came by to ask if I felt better. I said "Yes, thanks." I don't think he grasped the sniffling and talking through my nose. This turns out to be significant later. **
He then tells my cellmate that she has to switch cubicles (to the very back one) by the end of the week.

Tuesay-Wednesday - same old blah and angry cellmate. She's complaining about the move. The CEO told her it was because "she's too loud" so she complains in whispers now.

Thursday - the move happens early in the day but the office hasn't planned well and she's left without her phone or fax for the remainder of the day. She sulks around the office and complains with her head down. She won't look at me and I realize the people who hang around her are giving me the cold shoulder. I'm silent about the entire situation. I work and stay out of it. I want to scream "I'm not the reason you got moved. YOU ARE." but I don't know if that's the truth.
I feel guilty.
The headhunter calls back for clarification of some items on my resume.

Friday - It's a good day for me because the cellmate is far enough away now that I cannot hear her endless complaints. Still, there are comments by others that her mood is angry. To me, she just looks like her feelings are hurt. That makes me sad and even more guilty feeling.
Regardless, I start thinking I can handle this. Some of the burden has lifted.
I get home and the headhunter has scheduled me for an interview next week. I'll have to lie to take the time off. I should be excited...but...

Now I'm conflicted because this company has pandered to me just for the sake of keeping me......and I'm entertaining another offer. I can't decide if I should tell the headhunter "Nevermind" or continue on. ***Furthermore, the CEO asks me, "How did you get over that flu so quickly." (I told him, "I didn't. I had it for a full week." and he says "But you came to work." and I said, "I didn't really have a choice because cellmate was out and her situation took priority.")
I realize later that he asked because he thinks I left for a job interview instead of the flu....which I didn't but now I'm going to next week. I feel like I'm busted. PRE-busted. haha.
The whole situation is starting to wear on me. I feel guilty. (PRE-guilty).

I've decided that I will interview at the other company anyway. It might turn out to be the answer, and it might not - but don't I owe myself the perspective? I might just turn it down because it's an insanely long drive and I've gotten spoiled to the 8 minute run I've got now.
I think I want to continue where I am...........then I look back at previous posts and I think "What am I thinking? Happiness cannot be found here." Can it? Have I just not had the opportunity to be happy yet?
I feel like I owe this company the opportunity because they have put in the effort for me. Shouldn't I put some effort back?

The bottom line is that I'm looking for a 25 year job.
Is this it? Is the new offer it? Is there such a thing for me?

Conflicted.

Sunday 2-17-08 Week Seven

The Flu. Blech. Ptooie. Sneeze, cough, pass out. Nuff said.

The cellmate was off work Mon-Wed due to a loss in her family. (a brother she'd seen/spoken to once in 10 years but, no doubt, loved dearly)

Thursday came and I finally was able to take my flu and go home. I stayed in bed Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. I completely forgot little Riley's birthday on 2/17 but his mother, God bless her, called to remind me. THANK YOU! and shame on me.

Happy fourth birthday little man. I love you.

2-9-08 Week..um...six, I think....

Hell week! Once a year all of our outside sales reps converge on the Dallas office. It equates to having a big family holiday in your very small house. It's nice to see some of them. Some you wish would never have come. What's the saying? "Fish and house guests start to stink after three days." LOL
The delimma here is that the whole week is actually fun. It's a lot of people saying nothing but nice things to and about each other. That's such a radical change from the day-to-dayness that it inspires me to HOPE that this job has potential. It steers me away from the job hunt. It makes me BELIEVE that I want to continue this. Still, my jaded and cynical side tries so hard to keep me in check. I KNOW this isn't reality. We spend a week in a charade of "it's all going to be so much better". Everyone is really genuine about that thought, including myself because I really can see the potential of these two companies working together. But I KNOW it hasn't worked yet. Am I just too impatient? Am I too intolerant because of what I've seen in the past? Of course all this fussing is JUST ME.....or is it? Oh the doubt.

I guess that's why I'm writing all this stuff out. When I get deluded about the facts, I want the ability to read back and make sure I felt what I felt and experienced what I did. I don't want to focus on the frustrations, but I do want to be able to confirm the reality.

I'm tired from the week but at least there was laughter. If there were more laughter there, I could probably make it work. We'll see.

On that note, the cellmate, lost her favorite pet on January 29th and, while we were at our big trade show on Thursday 2/7, she got a call that her brother had passed away. Of course I stepped up as best I could to take as much burden off of her as possible. She'll be out next week and I'll do my best to keep things running. I do feel for her, but at the same time I'm very concerned about the future. She's very demanding of sympathy and she's a severly depressed person already. The woman has got to get therapy or some kind of happy pills because I've got my own demons and I might be less than caring if she dives into the pity-pot with all of us in tow. I will have to put that wall up and reinforce it's strength. I have the healing of myself and my family and my best friend still to contend with. I just have to have limits to maintain my own ability to function.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm exhausted yet restless. I'm hopeful and afraid. That sounds like an Alanis Morissette song, huh?

I sincerely hope that you all have some sort of peace in your lives. There's nothing wrong with a good rut, because in a good rut, there's nothing wrong.

Love, hope and kindness.
Aggie

Church or not?

I say again that I begrudge no one their faith. By all means, believe in something. However, my belief system is a mix of experiences, Cajun folklore and Bible Belt Baptisms. I suspect everyone's faith is truly different based on their own perception of reality...aka what they need to believe to find hope, comfort and make sense of their world.

I was quite amused today as the CEO told me of his belief in his patriarchal religion. I forget the name of this movement. It started about 10 years ago. It helps men learn to be "more giving" fathers and husbands. It's a pretty good idealism that, I'm sure, pays back when followed through.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit into my reality at all. I guess I am my father in the sense that I've always felt it my responsibility to manage the household and I've always been the bigger breadwinner. That's my own doing so no illwill toward my hubby. He works his ass off for what he gets and I respect that. Certainly, I couldn't do it without him. Regardless, that particular faith just doesn't fit me. (so I wish he'd stop trying to push it on me. UGH.)

I've decided that I'm joining a new church. The Church Of Google
There! Now I've pushed my faith off on everyone else.
You're not buying in either, are you?

Happy Wednesday and a better Troutday tomorrow. Does anyone do half-nekkid Thursdays anymore? That's a good faith to follow. LOL

1-30-08 A Smile for Illusions

Will you sing with me on a Sunday drive in the sunshine? :)

1-29-08 external conversations

The CEO said: "I need you to help me support her."
And I replied: "In what capacity?"

He took a pause to ponder that. This isn't the last of THAT conversation.
He said, "She's not comfortable w/moving to the other side of the wall."
and "Help me figure out how to give her more room."
and "We need to be sensitive because she thinks no one cares."
and I thought... "If EVERYONE cared, she'd still think no one cares."
He said, "There's some depression going on."
I'm no longer speaking at all. Just thinking.
And I thought, "Oh yeah? Ya think? Shrinkette maybe??- Oh wait - it's not her. It's all of us. It's a conspiracy."

The CEO said his wife is taking a class on how to be there for others. (THAT was transparent.)
And I thought "I could teach that class - but I'd advise against it. It's not good on the health. Does your class teach how not to let them drag you into hell with them? It's pretty exhausting. Do you just keep a distance? If you do, then your sincerity is fake."
And I thought, "Also, if I offer to take work from her - (which I have and she refuses because you'd feel less sorry for her if she didn' t have such a big burden) - then I've enabled her. Then I've paid her off....and that's what she's after. It will only begin again. There is no way to satisfy that. It is entirely cyclical. This will not end, nor will it better. She will continue like this until she self-destructs and I'm not willing to watch that again. Sorry. Been down that road. It ends badly. I will not care again. I will not feel again.I am sorry that I can't be compassionate anymore. Compassion is for suckers. Once you're a big enough sucker for it, you'll know too."



....and internal conversations.....

1-25-08 And the Oscar goes to...

...
"I would like to thank The Academy, my family for teaching me priorities, and all of my past employers for teaching me self preservation. More than anyone, I want to thank my Dad because Mom says I'm just like him and he would have loved this!"

Ladies and gentlemen, when the stuff hit the fan, I dug deep...

and I lied.

No, I didn't just lie. I PERFORMED. I acted my ass off. I became someone I'm not and I sold it like space heaters to Eskimos. They not only bought it, they PRAISED me because of it. I am, all at once, very jazzed about it and very, very ashamed.

Not ashamed enough to change it. <----THAT is the person I really am.

The movie is called: "They Filter E-mails, Don't They."
The plot: If you update your resume at work, don't e-mail it to your house with the word RESUME anywhere in the e-mail. (snicker)
I was busted.....but.....in a good way. See, the CEO panicked at the knowledge that I was searching for another job. He doesn't want to lose me. He and I work well together. That is true. We do. I genuinely like the man. He isn't the problem. SHE is.
So, he gently called me out on the job searching and he already had a real good idea of the problem. (Thank God for that!) I just kept agreeing with his explanation of the situation and he was pretty much spot on.
Then he and the owner asked me why I didn't tell them earlier..........and that's when I started to lie.

"Oh Rhett, (bat eyelashes) I really felt that the problem was all mine. I didn't think anyone had any issue with her but me. I thought it was just my inability to tolerate her. Ah'm so very sorry for not bringing it up earlier." Swoon. Fake faint. Fade to black.

Puh-leeze. The lady's lucky she doesn't have my serrated letter opener sticking out of her neck.

They came back with a very sincere, "You can talk to us about anything. Is there any other problem with the job? Is there anything else we can help fix?" And then they told me how they'd prayed about it and decided it was best to move her away from me.
That part they got right.

Ladies and gents, I am not the person I pretend to be. I am much darker. I am much less forgiving. I am very, very selfish. I will always, ALWAYS do what is best, in my mind, for my family and for myself. Those are my only priorities.
The CEO said to me, in his very devout way, that he read a book which taught him that the opposite of fear is love. When you love enough, you will sacrafice anything to protect love.
I'll buy that.
I love me. I love my family.
It ends there.
That is all I will ever protect.

The rest of them are on their own.

**Final note** I got it into my head that someone at work has made a connection between this blog and me. Maybe, maybe not. (I've only opened this site 3 times at work and then deleted the history. It could just be paranoia)
Here's the check: If I get a better offer, I'll take it. I've got about 20 years of life left. I'm not going to spend them being unhappy. That's "who I am because of what I've been through." If you grant HER that, then you have to grant me the same.

Week Three - Katie bar the door!! (1-14-08 - 1-18-08)

Health:
Mine: Didn't quit smoking. Grumpy and silent.
His: The antibiotics worked (thank gawd!) and he's not coughing or sneezing now. He also found Fortifense by Theraflu. It's vitamins and Ecinacia(sp?) and he believes it's keeping him in better health. Good. Keep taking it!

OH MY GAWD WHAT A WEEK! The co-worker got bombarded with extra work and she made everyone around her miserable for 40 straight hours (for the record. I am everyone.)How can ANYONE complain so much?! Her biggest problem, (and there are many) is that she doesn't just focus and get the job done. She has to exaggerate and blow everything out of proportion. This wastes so much time and makes things look even worse.
For example; on Friday she wasted an hour in the morning pulling a report to show how much work she had "been forced to do" all week. She said "I did 90 orders in 5 days!!" So, I ran the same report and edited out the ones she didn't actually have to enter and the number was 27. She did 27 orders - or 5ish orders/day.
I have to add that I did not offer to help. I'll explain why next.

The blowups got so bad, all of them "pity me", "poor me", "life sucks", "I'm burned out", "I want to quit", "Maybe they'll fire me." and mean, hang-up phone conversations with the sales reps she supports, that she called the CEO at home after hours to scream and cry about how unfair life is for her. I didn't offer to help because I WILL NOT play into that kind of attitude. If I do, I will eventually be stradled with the majority of her work and my own. I think the CEO knows this because he didn't ask me to assist her at all either.

HE DID ask me if I had any issues that needed airing out - because he would hate for them to fester. I said, "No. I'm fine." and "I'm certain that I could manage more work than I'm doing." (giving him an out if he needed it - but only through him, not her) In the end, he didn't give more work to me. He, having worked with her 7 years now and I'm certain he's used to this, ended up delegating some off to another person. I'm HIS assistant and he's selfish with me. Yay. I can live with that. haha

The final outcome for me was a conflict. I uploaded my resume to Monster.com AND I got a call on it the same day. I was excited about the possibility of leaving that insanity - but at the same time I felt wrong for not allowing the CEO the opportunity to resolve what is "festering" in my situation. He feels sorry for her and that's why she's still employed there. She won't go away. The self-pity is her lifestyle. There simply is no point in telling him how bothered I am by it. Nothing will change.

The reality is, as much as I like the man, I will leave him in a horrible lurch as soon as I find another job. And I will. And hopefully very soon. This weekend I will be hitting the job sites and corporate boards with resume and cover letters galore. I will feign dental appointments to cover my interviews. I will leave.

She will have a nervous breakdown when I do.
.....but then....who'll notice? Nothing will be any different than normal.

Next week will be better. I'm starting Week Four on 1-19 because I have Monday off and I want my better week to start now. :)

Love, kindness and peace of mind to you all.
Aggie

Week Two - Patience, where art thou? (1-7-08 - 1-13-08)

Health
Mine: blue and a bit of a cough – trying AGAIN to quit smoking completely.
His: Better since the antibiotic. Less “tired” feeling but still needs more sleep than “normal”. Could this be from the additional milk he’s drinking? (tryptophan) Cough is not as bad.

The week was rushed and very busy. My dislike for my job seems to expand the busier I get. I resent the demands because I resent the job and the coworker. The busier she gets the more she cries and complains and offends.

I flew to Houston Friday to attempt “our” family Christmas. It went badly. My brother’s family was in turmoil. My sister’s family was moving to their new home (YAY- First home! It’s beautiful and I love it. Good job kiddo!!). My mother was overwhelmed with children, worry and lack of sleep. (The final straw coming when she accidentally backed her car door into the carport post. Sometimes things happen that make everything too real. Thank god neither the door nor the post were badly damaged.)
We did try to be patient and we did try to find humor. (Canadians - inside joke.)
In the end, it got the better of all of us.

I did fix Netzero on my grandfather's PC. No one else knew how or was willing to take the time. It saddens me that no one will help him. He has so little to enjoy and our family acts like he's such a burden. It isn't fair. He's stuck here and he only has us. How dare we not take the time to make his life as enjoyable as possible.
I was pretty proud of getting that Netzero fixed - but even better than that, he and I spent a couple of hours just enjoying each other's company. He told stories of things he remembered and we laughted about our younger days. He gave me a great book, (Turn South at The Second Bridge by Leon Hale <-- that's for you Rupen). It was a time I will hold dear in my memory and hope to have again some day.

We had Christmas and collective-birthdays (the neice and both nephews were born in Jan & Feb) at my brother’s house on Sunday brunchtime. It was rushed because I had a 2:30pm airport arrival time. On the same note, everyone was glad of that because we were all exhausted. Overall it was quite depressing. It made me miss Dad even more.

This morning I am applying my “Better living through denial.” Motto. I will deny to myself that it was bad and remember things like; Nora’s crazy 1 legged floor scoot. Riley’s wonderful laugh. Andrew’s super-quick wit and artistic talents. Nora’s quirky little smile – so many facial expressions on that one…and she’s a THINKER. Ooooh she is planning! Riley is so very sweet and caring for a boy. He’s all boy but he sure loves deeply and obviously. He’s not a terribly manipulative child. He’s more about honesty. I hope he keeps those traits. Andrew wants so much for everyone to be proud of him. He minds very well and takes such good care of his little cousin, but he does have a hurricane of bottled-up-energy to release…and it’s LOUD energy. He seems to have the need to take care of the people around him. He sees things from other perspectives than his own. That’s pretty impressive for an 8yr old boy. Boys generally lack empathy. He’s a sweet kid. I hope his only escapes from the insanity of his surroundings are music and art. Never anything more addictive than that.

The Continental flight home was not without problems. Their track record is now something like 75% failure rate for me. This time there was a “broken indicator light” which prevented us from taking off. 2hrs later and we were on another plane headed home – finally. The evening was sullen and sad.
I’ll get the brakes fixed on my car and drive back down next month.

To look forward to:
1) I have brunch with my “best friend” on Saturday 1/19. She will drink too much and complain even more.
2) I have next Monday off.

2008 Week One

Health:
Mine=fine - but noticably short tempered
His=The "cold" lingers on. He developed a cough 12-30-07 and went for antibiotics 1-4-08. He's been sick in one way or another since he quit smoking 18 months ago. It unnerves me terribly. I worry.


Highlights of the week:
I created a compilation video of the kid's Christmas. I shared it via PC this year. I taped it because it was Nora's first and because my sister couldn't find her camera. The compilation is here for the sake of memory:


Christmas 2008 Video
The Texas twangs are overwhelming. LOL

I bought my first Ipod! After years of denoucing them as "a ridiculous waste of money", I now cannot understand how I ever lived without one. I'm completely addicted. 4 gig= 600+ songs (no commercials), 2 videos and 4 games...and counting. AND it allows me to listen at work thus blocking out the cellmate and making the time pass more quickly. Ahhhhh - there is no substitute for music.

We adopted cat #3 in early November. It was someone's pet, escaped and lost. The hubby took to feeding it outside back in October and when the first freeze came in we had to act. Turns out the cat is fixed and, thanks to us, now has all of its shots. I considered trying to find the owners, knowing the heartace of that loss, however, the cat is solid black and the hubby feels it was sent by his own, now lost, kitty. How could I deprive the hubby or the cat of a life of guaranteed mutual admiration. Besides, I KNOW that cat will be overly-cared-for in our home. It's what we do.

Welcome home Shadow. You live with us now.
Princess Mishu is still pissed about it.

Going back to work after 5 days off was quite difficult. My internal conflict rages on. I still have no patience or empathy for my cellmate. I keep trying to hang on to Randy Pausch's words "If you don't like someone, just wait a while. They will almost always surprise you." The internal conflict is that while she isn't an entirely bad person, she is a sympathy whore. I lost patience for that type of person on August 11th, 2006. I feel I have good reason. I can't find it in myself to find patience with those who pity themselves publicly. This week she found out that her beloved pet is not long for this world. I, of all people, can empathize with that - but the sobbing at work (literal sobbing) angers me. (and she did it 4 times in one day within earshot of me - as if some kind of sick instant replay. Being around her is like watching a car crash over and over and over - only there's no curiosity, just disdain.) I didn't do that. I didn't even do that when I lost Dad.
I do not display my emotions publicly. I think that I believe it to be a sign of weakness.
The very fact that I have given it this much space only exemplifies my inability to come to terms with it. I suspect that I am jaded. I know, partly, that I am in the wrong to judge - and yet, I am powerless not to. It goes back to the wall that I've built these past two years. Empathizing would put a ding in that wall and I refuse to allow that. The wall stands strong. I will not feel, lest I be hurt myself.
There is an entire dissertation on that wall that I have been writing for a long time. It isn't complete. Maybe, if I ever let anyone through it, I will be able to complete it and move on. Maybe I will never let anyone through it again

On that note, I've had this bizarre longing to re-connect with people from my past. I suspect it has to do with the wall. There is some kind of comfort that I am seeking and not finding. In the past month I have located the Loftons, the Norreds and the Nerrens via the intenet. All people from High School or before. I said "hello" and some said "hello" back. It feels comforting but it also feels separate and temporary. Rejoining the blogosphere is a part of that desire as well.
I need something to hold on to.........but what? I know we can never go back again.

"and as I made my way back home
the snow turned into rain"
Same Old Lang Syne
Dan Fogelberg

Peace, love, and random acts of kindness to you all.
Aggie

Happy New Year 2008

May you all have a happy, healthy, safe new year filled with joy and memories.
Remember to hold the ones you love above all other things in this life.

(Each year I spend a good while searching for the "perfect" New Year's graphic. New Years day has always been so important to me. I think it's my favorite holiday - right after Independence Day. Maybe it's just the fireworks. I like fireworks.

Actually, I've always seen New Years Day as a new beginning. It implies hope. It says "Throw away the mistakes of the past. Start over. Make good. Be happier."
Hope is good. Damned hard to find sometimes, but good. Necessary even.

We lost my father on 12/31/05. He didn't make it into 2006. That makes the holiday hard. It marks the time gone by just a little too clearly. Regardless, I gain perspective from it as well. I note the changes in the world that he's not a part of. The changes that I am a part of. The things that I have to take the time to enjoy for him. For us.

I leave you today with the words from The Eagles' new album Long Road Out of Eden. The song is "It's Your World Now".
It's our world now. That's how it's supposed to be.

Wishing you all Peace, Love, Hope, Kindness and the eyes of a child to view your world through.

Aggie.

A PERFECT DAY – THE SUN IS SINKIN’ LOW
AS EVENING FALLS, THE GENTLE BREEZES BLOW
THE TIME WE SHARED WENT BY SO FAST
JUST LIKE A DREAM, WE KNEW IT COULDN’T LAST

BUT I’D DO IT ALL AGAIN, IF I COULD SOMEHOW
BUT I MUST BE LEAVIN’ SOON
IT’S YOUR WORLD NOW

IT’S YOUR WORLD NOW – MY RACE IS RUN
I’M MOVING ON, LIKE THE SETTING SUN
NO SAD GOODBYES; NO TEARS ALLOWED
YOU’LL BE ALL RIGHT
IT’S YOUR WORLD NOW

EVEN WHEN WE ARE APART
– YOU’LL ALWAYS BE IN MY HEART
WHEN DARK CLOUDS APPEAR IN THE SKY,
REMEMBER TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES
BUT FIRST A KISS – ONE GLASS OF WINE
JUST ONE MORE DANCE, WHILE THERE’S STILL TIME
MY ONE LAST WISH: SOMEDAY YOU’LL SEE
- HOW HARD I TRIED AND HOW MUCH YOU MEANT TO ME

IT’S YOUR WORLD NOW
USE WELL YOUR TIME
BE PART OF SOMETHING GOOD
LEAVE SOMETHING GOOD BEHIND
THE CURTAIN FALLS
I TAKE MY BOW
THAT’S HOW IT’S MEANT TO BE
IT’S YOUR WORLD NOW

12-25-2007

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!

Happy....

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American friends. For those of you across the pond and such, THIS is what Thanksgiving is all about.



No. No No NO! THAT is not Thanksgiving. Step away from the ToFurKy. Ewwwww.

THIS is Thanksgiving.

Most importantly, Thanksgiving is about Flying Frogs. It just isn't complete without a flying frog.



Go ahead, go out and get yourself one. Ok, you can just watch mine instead. He'll be floating by at noon or so.
Y'all have a great holiday. If you're not from around here, take the holiday off anyway. Tell 'em I said so.






Sending big waves of love across the planet.
Much love to you and your.
Aggie

FORT E

Happy September 17th, 2007.

Today I am 40.

(Aggie reaches out and takes Treé's hand, crossing the threshold at precisely 10PM – wearing only a smile.)

I am trying to learn how to blog from e-mail. I've taken to typing out the random thoughts of my silly little mind in e-mails during work hours. I then save them with the intent of posting to the blog-o-sphere…..which I never get around to. ( I don't know if I'll be able to respond to comments via e-mail though.)

Terry, I was really sorry to hear about your sister's boy. My heart aches for her and for you and I pray for healing. It is very difficult. Thanks for dropping by and for wishing me happy birthday. :)

Autumn, I caught your post first thing this morning. It was so nice to know I'm thought of from so far away. Thank you for thinking of me…and for just being wonderful you. I hope you're well. Have you found a better job yet? Me neither. Lol (wink)

Christa, I'm missing you. I think of you often and I hope you and Robin are healthy and happy. Big Troutday Hugs – even if it's not Troutday yet. :)

Becky, I've got to drop by and see you and that beautiful little girl of yours. Winter's coming and I look forward to "bundled-up-baby" pics. LOL they're so fun in the cold. I hope you're doing well. Hugs!!

Rupen, How are things on the other side of the planet?? What are you reading and have you found the woman of your dreams yet? Do tell!!

I sure hope this post actually works and it doesn't show up as some ASCII jumbled confusion. Here goes nothing…

Here is everything we'll ever need to know about 40. ;-)~

40 (number)
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From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

- 40 (forty) is the natural number following 39 and preceding 41. In English, forty is the only number whose constituent letters appear in alphabetical order. Note that "40" is not written as "fourty" with a "u", but as "forty".

In mathematics

- Forty is an octagonal number, and as the sum of the first four pentagonal numbers, it is a pentagonal pyramidal number. Adding up some subsets of its divisors (e.g., 1, 4, 5, 10 and 20) gives 40, hence 40 is a semiperfect number.

In science
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- The atomic number of zirconium.

- Negative forty is the temperature at which the Fahrenheit and Celsius scales correspond; that is, −40°F = −40° C. It is referred to as either "minus forty" or "forty below".

In religion
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The number 40 is significant in Jewish, Christian, Islamic, and other Middle Eastern traditions, it can also represent a rough calculation huge sum of units (a lot of).

- "Forty days and forty nights" describes the period for which rain fell during Noah's flood

- "Forty days" was the length of the period that the twelve spies explored the Promised Land (Numbers 13)

- "Forty years" was the length of Israel's wandering in the wilderness. This period of years represents a generation, that is, the time it takes for a new generation to arise.

- 40 lashes is one of the punishments meted out by the Sanhedrin (in actual practice, only 39 lashes were administered)

- "Forty days and forty nights" was the period Jesus spent fasting in the wilderness, after which he was tempted by Satan.

- Forty days was the period from Jesus' resurrection till his ascension into heaven.

- In modern Christian practice, Lent consists of the 40 days preceding Easter. In much of Western Christianity Sundays are excluded from the count; in Eastern Christianity Sundays are included.

- The dead are usually mourned for forty days in Muslim cultures (kinda wish I had known this...coulda used it)

- Some Russians believe that ghosts of the dead linger at the site of their death for forty days

- In Eternalism, 40 is believed to be the number of the Corrupter, (that's fitting..bwahaha) the Anti-Christ in Christianity, and is formed from the numbers 18+1+6+6+9. This also spells Raffi with correct numero-alphabetic translation.

In other fields
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Forty is also:

- the caliber of the bullet in the .40 S&W handgun cartridge

- in the expression "forty winks", meaning a short sleep

- A song by Dave Matthews Band

- the code for direct dial international phone calls to Romania

- the number in the designation of: Interstate 40, a freeway that runs from California to North Carolina

- "40", a 1983 song by U2 from their album War

- the designated number of hours in a standard workweek in some Western countries

Oldness, manic depressives and Steve Perry

Oldness:
I had an odd thought last night. We hide things from the elderly. "Don't tell grandma that you're sick. She'll only worry." "Don't tell grandad that the kids moved in together but didn't get married. He'll get upset." Why do we think they can't handle news? They've been through and seen much more than we have. Certainly they can manage. Do we get less able to deal when we get older? I can't imagine.
Life, in our middle age, is about what is going on. We keep up with the stories of family and neighbors. We are involved. These things keep us "in the loop". They keep us active. They make us care.
When people get older we start to cut them out of that loop "for their own good". Is it really for their own good? Doesn't it just isolate them not to be in the know? Maybe it's one of those things I'll understand when I'm older and start hiding things from Mom.

Manic Depressives
My co-worker, now referred to as "my cellmate", is manic depressive......or possibly an alcoholic. Or probably both. She spends most of the days in a deep blue funk which she pours over everyone around her. I'm trapped 5 feet from her so she blue funks all over me all day long, 40hrs a week. She throws things, slams things, sighs like a widow all day long. It's MISERABLE to be near her. HOWEVER, she did this one day last week for the first 4hrs of the day......then she went to lunch. When she returned from lunch she was GIDDY. Seriously giddy! She suddenly loved everyone. She loved her job and thought everyone was so "silly".
Uh-huh. I get it. Had a little drinkypoo at lunch did we?
Two hours later she was blue again. Yep. That alcohol wears off dammit.
She should spike her morning coffee.
I need a new job. And yes, I'm looking.

Steve Perry
About 3 yrs ago Dad called me up on the phone to tell me of a radio show in Houston. He said the hosts had a competition to name "The Voice of Rock and Roll". I don't recall who the contestants were but the final outcome of many phone calls was Steve Perry. He called to tell me this because he wholly agreed. I did too.
In all of 70's-80's Rock, that crystalline, chiming voice still holds as the icon of the era.
Long about Dad's birthday this year I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I knew that if Dad were still here, I would have bought him some Journey music. The hubby, being sweet and thoughtful that he is, bought for me the Time3 set. Some fifty-odd Journey songs in chronological order. They're playing in the background now.
I started Youtubing Journey and Steve Perry. There's a lot out there.
I ran across an interview with Steve Perry done many years after the "O' Sherrie" era. He hadn't put out an album in 7+ years but was coming out with a new one. He said, "Steve Perry had to stop to find out what was left standing after a very large circus ride." ... " I really didn't have a lot to say for 7 years. I had nothing to say. I was...dry..."An Interview with Steve Perry

I think that's where I have gone. I can relate to Mr. Perry on a couple of levels.
I have a voice inside my head that drove all the blog posts from 2004-2006. That voice is much more still these days. Part of the voice left with Dad. There was a part that lived to relate my world to him. I sought humor and irony to phone him and share that laughter. That ability is lost now with no outlet.
Secondly, my mental focus has been wrapped in other people for a year now. Who needs support? Who needs love? Who needs help? What can I do and for whom. The entirety of my internal world has been external. The ONLY times I have spun that voice inside, I have found not much but my own heartache and that seems selfish at best so I avoid it.

I avoid a lot these days honestly. I am, if you will, living in the moment. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? I do not worry the future for I have NO control there and I am VERY aware of that. I wish for nothing - I no longer believe in the power of wishing. I do not dwell on the past because I can't change it and I can barely face it. I am here. Now. No place else....and then "poof" I am off to the next thing.

*******Sidenote - Aug 11th was the anniversary of Jessica's death. I do not believe, Elvis, in celebrating the anniversary of deaths. Ridiculously painful act.
Regardless, her mother, with the help of some wonderful neighbors, set a mass of helium filled balloons to flight in her honor. Symbolic and lovely and well done.
August 28th is the date set for the trial of the young man who sold meth to Jess. that will be a stressful day. What is on the other side of that I don't know.

Finally, yesterday, August 17th, 2007 marked the beginning of the last month of 39ness for me. I will be 40 soon. Expect a blog of 40yr old quotes because I've been reading them. LOL

Hugs and love and kindness to each and every one of you and to every one you love through you.
Aggie

Vista Child

Name: Vista Presario

Birthdate: 7/21/07

Mother: Hewlett Packard

Father: Compaq Presario

Adopted by the Agnes family for the sum of $4,795.02. (ok, not really. It was a lot cheaper...but the cost of the headache......)

Windows Vista, I do not recommend. It does not play well with printers. There is very little software, in fact, that it does play well with and no one has bothered to make new software for it. Games bail out the moment they are introduced. It loses drives left and right. It really isn't a very polite child at all.

I will say this for it, the little Vista bot is a networking fool. It searches out every pc and laptop within spitting distance....but I think it only wants to take all the toys from the other computers.

Our little VistaBot is a baaaaaad kid.

Happy Monday all.

Afghans for Everyone...or...How to Fill the Time

Whatever shall I do with myself now? We have time we didn't have before. We no longer have to be home at 6:30a.m. and 6:30p.m for regular insulin shots. We don't spend 20 minutes of every hour upstairs taking care. We are left with ourselves now. 9 years and the world has shifted under our feet once again.

We stare at the clock come 6:30 and wonder "what now". We change the channel to deter that longing to go upstairs and check on "the baby". We fill the time in between.

I have found my new time filler. I am teaching myself to crochet. I am making Afghans for Everyone. Merry Christmas because they're coming.

I only have to make 412 of these: (they take about 15 minutes each and I'm up to 20 now)

And I only have to make 16 of these: (they take 4 hrs and I've made two)

I'm rocking and rolling. Beware, I could be making Sweaters for Everyone come Christmas. :)