When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.
First, I am not in a bad place emotionally...at the moment. I'm actually doing quite well lately. I think we (my family and I) are turning a corner of acceptance. Mom's doing ok. My sister's doing ok. Today is ok. I feel balance returning.
But...
There's always a "but" isn't there?
Back on March 13th I told the story of my best friend and her daughter. The daughter had come to that typical impass of child/adult growing. The one where she rebels against everything in an attempt to become an independent...a grown up. The one where Mom and daughter butt heads in the extreme.
Most every girl goes through this with her Mother at some point. I did anyway.
For those two, it didn't go well. They have since been on the way to recovering.
BUT...
...Tomorrow, August 14th, I will see my best friend for the first time since my father's funeral. I will see her at her daughter's funeral.
Jess's self-pity led to drug use. Drug use took her life Friday night.
I absolutely ache for the pain her mother is about to experience. (shock is the current emotion)
I ache because I know.
I hate that she and I now have this in common.
...Jess has lived a great deal of her life in a state of self-pity. A trait she learned from her mother.
I have been separating myself from them emotionally due to my own situation. For the first time in 12yrs, I stepped away to let them find their own ground.
To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.
I shouldn't have stepped back. I should have jumped in with both feet and forced that kid to love us back. My father would have locked me in a room until I accepted that he was doing it out of love.
Instead, I let her go. We all let her go.
I am wiser now.
Too late again.
Peace and love to all of you. Who is the person you're at odds with that you wish you weren't? Undo that. Undo it today. Be the one to give in first. Just say "I love you." and let it get better. Make it better.
Tomorrow is too late.
PS - My posts will be limited. They've been barely here for a while now anyway.
I feel it is absolutely wrong for me to dump so much negative emotional trauma on a group of kind friends and strangers. That's no way for me to better the world. I cannot justify smudging it in this ugliness. SO - I will post happy, good things when I find them. Don't think I'm not happy if I'm not posting...I just haven't had time is all. I'm working very hard to find peace. When I do, I promise to share it. :)
Love love love to each of you.
Thank you for kindness and tolerance and 10pm moon viewing. ;)
11 comments:
its understandable that you might not blog for awhile. its quite fine. take the time you need...
{listening with my heart}
Agnes - hugs to you. It is understandable that you would try to make some sense of things in this awful situation... perhaps even trying to take some sort of blame for what happened. You must know deep down however, that "could've, would've should've" doesn't work here. You made a decision which was sound and level-headed, and should not be second guessed now. I am so terribly sorry for your friend, and for you too. ~hugs~
I pray that peace will come to you, and darn it all, I really will miss you when you don't pop your head in to say hello. Know that we are all with you, thinking about you and sending our love. As Burt said to Mary Poppins... "Don't stay away too long"...
Agnes, sweet generous loving soul that you are, you can only give what you can give and you always, always, do that.
I'm so sorry for your loss, for your friend's loss.
Much love to you, bear hugs too.
Take care of you, x
{{{{hugs you}}}}
Please feel free to email me anytime. It seems we have so much in common. It wouldn't be necessary for you to only write "happy, good things". To live means to experience terrible things or worse, to see traits in ourselves we want to be oblivious to---along with those "happy, good things." It's being real, which is something that I see in you--you seem so real. There is a world of fake people out there, making sure they say the politically correct things, making sure they are always positive and perky...to the point where no one really knows at all who they are. And that is a whole different kind of loneliness. I'm just glad you are so honest with yourself, so glad you are so real. Real is rare these days. Please do feel free to email me.
This truly sad. I'm not particularly great at finding the right words, but then I think its better to listen... take care and >:D<.
Thinking of you Aggie and hoping you are doing okay.
Agnes, there is a world full of hurting, misguided people out there.
It`s good that you care for them, but, don`t be too hard on yourself.
Do what you feel lead to do. Do what you can. And leave the rest in Gods hands.
GBU
Thinking of you today Agnes - wishing things could just stop being painful. HUGS
Aggie, hope you are doing okay. Missing you, thinking of you. Bear hugs, x
Thank you all for your patience and kindness. I've taken every word to heart and re-read them numerous times. This has been quite a week.
Becky, hon, I knew you'd understand. Boy life can stress us way the heck out, can't it? I'll be flitting about.
Hey! My sister's re-pregnant. She just confirmed it will be a girl. :D She'll have to come to you for advice now. lol
Hug that precious little one for me.
Tree, thank you for listening and for moon-gazing. I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you being tucked into that warm spot in my heart.
Oliviah, You are so right about fake people. So many are just giving lip service. It must be awful with no concience at all.
Thank you for the e-mail offer. I may take you up on it when I can gather a few thoughts. Thank you for seeing me as human and not just some silly pity partying crazy. LOL (((HUGS))) to you!!
Terry, Mary Poppins. :D You make me giggle. I'm doing ok emotionally. Most of my worry is about my friend. I don't know how a single Mom can lose her only child and survive. I'm afraid she means to let us know it can't be done. ((((HUGS))) back to you.
Autumn, ahhh, my absolution. I've been feeling as if I were horribly selfish to them both this year. I don't think I've reconciled that just yet. I suppose I will in time. Regardless, this is not about me. It is about someone who needs me...and what to do? Oh heavens, what to do?
Trace, I'm always glad you've stopped by. I remember your words last December and how you brought me an ounce of much needed peace. Thank you for thinking of me and for big (((((hugs))))) that last for days. :)
Rupen, Listening is likely the best thing anyone can do for anyone else. I'm thankful for your visits. I hope all is well on your little piece of the planet. I will stop by soon to see. Write something wonderful to make me laugh.
Phred, I think that's the best advice yet. Ah how I want to save the world. I guess I will have to save what I can and accept that God has work of his own to do.
So many big hugs and thoughts of hope and love to each and every one of you. Thank you a thousand times over. I do hope you're having peaceful days and Irish luck. I'll be stopping by soon so put on a pot. Ok?
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