When this post is complete, we will return you to your program.
Warning:
This post contains graphic violence,
foul language, annoying self-pity
and intense selfishness.
This post may not be suitable
for children or people with
weak stomachs.
Are you stuck in a rut? Are you tired of the boring, day-to-day sameness of your life? Well get the f**k over it. Be JOYOUS about bland. Learn to LOVE predictable.
After all, it's all downhill from there.
(I'm suddenly reminded of the movie Soylent Green. When people were "chosen" to die, the were put in a room with pretty pictures on a screen. Fields of flowers, flowing brooks etc. which was overlayed by beautiful music. It was the HUMANE way to kill people. Sick movie that one. Quite amusing at the moment though.)
I created this blog as a place to vent the harsh realities of life. My life. My silly, predictable, routine, boring, unchallenging life.
Someone should have just slapped me right then and there.
Too late. I'm way too into this to stop now.
The phone rang at 5:00 a.m. on March 15th, 2006.
I looked at the caller ID and promptly ignored it.
It was the daughter of my best friend.
What went through my mind was horrid. I thought, "If she has overdosed, her daughter should be calling 9-1-1. If she's dead, I'm not ready to find out. I'll find out later. If the daughter has been in a car accident, she has other family members to call."
Sick, huh? Selfish? You bet.
It was 5:00 a.m.
In the entire history of phones there has never been a GOOD 5:00a.m. phone call!
I was not wrong.
In my defense, Jess is prone to DRAMA. She's 20. Why wouldn't she be?
She gets it from her mother.
I love them both regardless, but I am NOT in an emotional place to be of any help to either of them. (there's my nasty selfishness)
(You want to know what the phonecall was, don't you? We're getting there.)
History: My best friend is manic depressive. Her daughter is a 4.0 prelaw student. A brilliant child with an over-emotional view of life.
Neither of them will seek therapy for reasons that I entirely understand.
OH MY GAWD!!! I just realized I'm justifying this crap.
Fine.
Drama-Jess called back after I didn't answer the first time.
I figured someone was dead so I should answer the phone. I did and what came across was a completely calm, very conversational "Hi."
This immediately put me on the defense. I thought "oh boy, here comes the Poor Me soap opera." I was not disappointed.
Drama-Jess said "I thought you would want to know that mom's in jail."
(Uh-oh.)
"Why? What happened."
"She beat the s**t out of me."
(Well damn! Damn and double damn! This has never happened before. I KNEW she shouldn't have been given those steroids by that freaking doctor. She had a sciatic nerve problem. Sterioids should be outlawed just because of the uncontrollable emotional state they put people in and THAT'S what I'll tell the judge at her freaking trial which I will be attending in the future. ((more selfishness)))
"Jess, what caused this?"
(Now, I said Jess is 20 right? She's at that perfect age where EVERYTHING is FOREVER. I hate that age. It's the one where breakups are a life-threatening experience. It's the age, caused by inexperience, that girls do not understand the depth of things that happen to adults. It's the most selfish age.)
Jess replied "I don't know." which I really, highly doubted.
I said, "What happened to set her off?" (drill a little deeper kiddo!)
"She handed me this note and said 'read this out loud' and when I didn't she hit me across the face. Then she did it again until I called the police."
(not that it really matters but the visual here is a 46yr old, 92 lb woman smacking her much larger, much younger daughter)
Are you sick? I am.
Jess moved back in with her mother about a month ago. Since then she has cost her mother well over a thousand dollars. Cars, health insurance, sick pets, tuition expenses, groceries...etc. Her mother does not have that money. Jess works. Jess works, hides her money from her mother, pays for nothing, expects the world to be handed to her and constantly talks about the "trip to Las Vegas" that she is going to take for her 21st birthday next month.
She also doesn't see what's wrong with any of the above.
Jess's mother complains. Daily. Hourly.
She blames Jess for all the bad things in her own life. She blames Jess for all the things she can't do because she has no money.
Jess's mother is not a strong woman and she is horrifically selfish for a 46yr old mom. That drives me up a wall.
Jess's Mom will tell you she's not selfish. She'll tell you that she gives and gives and gets nothing in return.
I, having no children, think that giving and giving and getting nothing in return is NORMAL when raising a child and that it will work itself out later on when Jess has the experience to grasp all that her mother gives.
Jess's mom doesn't want to wait that long.
SO - Jess's mom had this hip/nerve problem. Took steriods for a week (which I remided her again and again "remember that your emotions are chemical emotions until you're over this stuff") and now the situation has gone beyond repair.
Hold on...this is going to get ugly:
I will now be required to "be there for her". I do not wish to "be there for her". I do not wish to "be there for" either of them.
I do not wish to be non-judgemental, consoling, advising, assisting, witnessing, or any of the other things that I will put my life on hold to do.
And that makes me a bad person because that's NOT who I am. I'm the one that saved Jess's Mom from suicide 12 years ago. I'm the one that has lead her through these past 12 years of drama. (and there's been more than enough!!) I have talked her off of more ledges than I care to remember and I have mediated a fair share of mom-daughter disagreements.
Now I just wish I hadn't answered that phone.
I WANT MY BORING LIFE BACK.
Yesterday I was sending and receiving happy, silly, joking e-mails with Jess's Mom.
All I can think now is "what was on that note."
So, the next time I'm whining about my boring, unchallenging, samedom....someone remind me about 5:00a.m. phone calls. Remind me that routine is a damned sight better than dead pets, dead fathers and psychotic friends.
Remind me that there was a time when life was boring and I was one helluva lot closer to happiness then.
Happy Mother-Freaking-Wednesday. Please revel in the boredom!
9 comments:
PS - I am horrifically saddened by the thought that Jess and her mother will never repair this relationship. What a tremendous loss.
I am worried that my best friend will soon commit suicide because of this.
I am at a total loss to find any hopeful solution.
It isn't my fight.
Why did every sentence above start with "I"?
Morning Agnes :D
Coz you're a woman, that's why :p
You know...I think that sometimes we're bound to get stuck between people we care about, and people we don't give a darn about too for that matter. It's Karma...or destiny.
No matter how much you love your best friend, don't answer the phone at 5AM, Agnes. As you said, there's NEVER any good news at that time of the day.
And 20 year olds can be horribly annoying, I agree. Give them another 10 years and life will start catching up. Sounds like Jess could need a reality check...and yes, it's a shame about her relationship with her mom, but it sounds as if they're a bit too alike.
Hope the rest of your day will be a lot better than this though :hugs:
Christa you are such a blessing!!!!
If I ever needed some "objective-opinion" it's now. Thank you for providing a bit of absolution for my insanity because I just went off on "please leave me out of this" this morning.
I feel awful for being selfish but I don't think I'm wrong.
Jess does need a reality check....or maybe she's getting one now.
I don't want to take sides here either because that gains no one anything. Unfortunately, I've got to defend her Mom solely on life-experience which Jess simply cannot grasp.
Sigh...it's going to be a long day, huh?
Wait...I have something else to post. :D
heh...I haven't smoked today, so yawp, 's gonna be a long day.
I think you have all the right in the world to be a bit selfish right now. You're still healing after all the things happening with your dad and your own family...so yes, I think it's perfectly ok to stay away if you can right now.
Aggie, why is it always so hard for us to understand that we didn't cause it, and can't fix it? We aren't responsible for it. Your experience brings to mind my own daughter (still in the 20's range... LOL tomorrow she turns 28)and her custody/ex husband raging battles which are a constant and ongoing drama. She used to have me pull up her emails for her and print them off because she has no computer of her own. So, as I did this daily, I was privvy to the awful ongoing stress of reading the horrendous emails from her ex husband, (on whom I hold a 2 year restraining order), all of which contained threats of taking my grandson away, slander, accusations, etc etc ad nauseum...
G suggested one day that I stop doing this service for my daughter... she has other ways of pulling her emails off... Let me just say that since I've stopped the email collecting service, I've been blissfully unaware and unstressed about all the horrible goings-on between my daughter and her ex. They still happen, but it is THEIR life, not mine. I still love my daughter, and of course worry that her poor decisions will end up with my grandson being taken out of her custody (and also taken from me), but again, this is not my responsibility.
So, cheer up Charlie - you aren't the director of your best friend and her daughter's drama production. Caring is what you do best, but do draw the line when it sucks you into the play.
Hugs to you today. OOOXX
TERRY!!! Thank YOU!
For ages I had this little note pinned to my pc:
I did not cause it.
I cannot fix it.
It is not my problem.
That little note got me through a lot of issues. Funny that I didn't apply it here.
Still, it's difficult to be Thelma to Louise and say "nah, you go ahead and drive the car over the cliff. I'll watch."
Your story is a darned good visual though. After all, she's your daughter and you've drawn one solid, healthy boundary.
I've spent today fussing this around in my head and decided that when I speak to my friend again I will say "Dear, I love you and I do not judge your actions, but I do not want to discuss even the most minute detail of this situation. You and she will have to sort this out on your own."
That goes for both of them.
Thanks Christa and Terry for reminding me that I have to put my own health first.(mental and otherwise)
I think I'll call Mom. That makes me feel much more useful.
Christa, I hope your day hasn't been too very awful. Hang tough. :)
The dream: Yeah, I didn't stay out of things like I should have.
I spoke with both Jess and her mother. Seperately, of course...and over the phone only. They're both in bad shape.
To them both I said, sternly, "I do not want to know the details. I was not there and I will not judge. I love you both and that does not change. BUT, this is the time to start healing. You two have reached an impass. You have bottomed out. Now, give yourself time to settle your mind...and then get back together and say 'I'm sorry too.'. The second you say that you will begin to heal. Say it and mean it."
Both still think they are RIGHT. Neither can yet see the other's point of view or the other's pain.
Both still love one another though. They are, like Chista said, too much alike.
As for the dream; I was the negotiator. I was the one in control of finding the middle ground. That seems to be my lot in life. I felt fairly strong when I spoke with both of them. "Get this behind you and move forward from here." I said. And both listened like the thought had never occurred to them that there is still a tomorrow to be had.
That was a new concept. I opened their eyes to it.
I won.
I'm glad.
I feel better.
HOWEVER, I told them both that they have to hire a professional. As much as I can say "get a clue" I refuse to walk them through this. It is their fight to win and I will just keep repeating that until they do.
I wonder if either one of them will grow up?
What was that all about!!!
Rupen...I think that question pretty much sums up the whole event.
"What was that about!!"
It's about priorities. People just have their priorities all screwed up.
And that is fodder for another post. :)
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