Tuesday, October 21, 2008
We closed on September 30th. My first HOUSE. My new home.
It wasn't easy. I learned a helluva lot. I took a lot of chances. I had moments of triumph and equal moments of fear.
Tomorrow we start moving in. NOW it is real. Now it is permanent. I am excited and hopeful. I have cold feet too.
Forever. That's not like me at all. I'm not great with forevers..... I'm not real trusting.
This one will last.
I dream of the garden I will plant. I dream of holiday decorations. I hope for the laughter of my family to fill the halls.
I hope this forever is grand.
I have to note, for rememberance sake, that we met and spent good time with the previous owners. They have lived there since the house was built. They are sweet, kind people who took amazing care of this house. I sincerely hope to maintain that legacy.
The Hammills told us of the life the house has lived. 34 years and counting. They said they sat on the back porch and looked out over fields and cows. There are no fields now. No cows for miles. House upon house and traffic around the houses...but I know the house had happiness. It was exciting for them when they purchased it - nearly the same ages as we are now. It is exciting for us too.
Hello House. Be good to us. Be home to us.
Aggie - 10/21/2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Saturday, September 06, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I have things to say, updates to add, thoughts to share.....and I hope, soon, that I will.
May this little post find you safe and well and peaceful in your worlds. I am thinking of you...don't you doubt it. Every full moon and every fractal and every sketch and every bear or crow pic. You cross my mind with every new book, every photo of a child, every great new song to share.
Take good care.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
I'll get around to weeks 9 through 12 later. When I find the time. I'm working on the tag in my head but not yet in my own space.
The weekend was a total bust. What, in our world, is known as Good Friday turned out to be Very Bad Friday compliments of Flexaril, Xanax, a cellphone and Best Buy. Those are key words so I'll remember the cause and the event. It means nothing to anyone but me anyway.
Everything in life is fragile at all times. Even a good rut can be shattered without intent or forewarning. If we're lucky, we can find our way back to our rut.....our comfort zone. If we're lucky, we can move forward in life without more damage. We can live without walking on eggshells.
But we never really lose the scars, do we?
Everything is back to normal now....for now.
May we all have a peaceful, rut-filled, boring week.
Until next time.
Hugs and love.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The owner came by to ask if I felt better. I said "Yes, thanks." I don't think he grasped the sniffling and talking through my nose. This turns out to be significant later. **
He then tells my cellmate that she has to switch cubicles (to the very back one) by the end of the week.
Tuesay-Wednesday - same old blah and angry cellmate. She's complaining about the move. The CEO told her it was because "she's too loud" so she complains in whispers now.
Thursday - the move happens early in the day but the office hasn't planned well and she's left without her phone or fax for the remainder of the day. She sulks around the office and complains with her head down. She won't look at me and I realize the people who hang around her are giving me the cold shoulder. I'm silent about the entire situation. I work and stay out of it. I want to scream "I'm not the reason you got moved. YOU ARE." but I don't know if that's the truth.
I feel guilty.
The headhunter calls back for clarification of some items on my resume.
Friday - It's a good day for me because the cellmate is far enough away now that I cannot hear her endless complaints. Still, there are comments by others that her mood is angry. To me, she just looks like her feelings are hurt. That makes me sad and even more guilty feeling.
Regardless, I start thinking I can handle this. Some of the burden has lifted.
I get home and the headhunter has scheduled me for an interview next week. I'll have to lie to take the time off. I should be excited...but...
Now I'm conflicted because this company has pandered to me just for the sake of keeping me......and I'm entertaining another offer. I can't decide if I should tell the headhunter "Nevermind" or continue on. ***Furthermore, the CEO asks me, "How did you get over that flu so quickly." (I told him, "I didn't. I had it for a full week." and he says "But you came to work." and I said, "I didn't really have a choice because cellmate was out and her situation took priority.")
I realize later that he asked because he thinks I left for a job interview instead of the flu....which I didn't but now I'm going to next week. I feel like I'm busted. PRE-busted. haha.
The whole situation is starting to wear on me. I feel guilty. (PRE-guilty).
I've decided that I will interview at the other company anyway. It might turn out to be the answer, and it might not - but don't I owe myself the perspective? I might just turn it down because it's an insanely long drive and I've gotten spoiled to the 8 minute run I've got now.
I think I want to continue where I am...........then I look back at previous posts and I think "What am I thinking? Happiness cannot be found here." Can it? Have I just not had the opportunity to be happy yet?
I feel like I owe this company the opportunity because they have put in the effort for me. Shouldn't I put some effort back?
The bottom line is that I'm looking for a 25 year job.
Is this it? Is the new offer it? Is there such a thing for me?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
The delimma here is that the whole week is actually fun. It's a lot of people saying nothing but nice things to and about each other. That's such a radical change from the day-to-dayness that it inspires me to HOPE that this job has potential. It steers me away from the job hunt. It makes me BELIEVE that I want to continue this. Still, my jaded and cynical side tries so hard to keep me in check. I KNOW this isn't reality. We spend a week in a charade of "it's all going to be so much better". Everyone is really genuine about that thought, including myself because I really can see the potential of these two companies working together. But I KNOW it hasn't worked yet. Am I just too impatient? Am I too intolerant because of what I've seen in the past? Of course all this fussing is JUST ME.....or is it? Oh the doubt.
I guess that's why I'm writing all this stuff out. When I get deluded about the facts, I want the ability to read back and make sure I felt what I felt and experienced what I did. I don't want to focus on the frustrations, but I do want to be able to confirm the reality.
I'm tired from the week but at least there was laughter. If there were more laughter there, I could probably make it work. We'll see.
On that note, the cellmate, lost her favorite pet on January 29th and, while we were at our big trade show on Thursday 2/7, she got a call that her brother had passed away. Of course I stepped up as best I could to take as much burden off of her as possible. She'll be out next week and I'll do my best to keep things running. I do feel for her, but at the same time I'm very concerned about the future. She's very demanding of sympathy and she's a severly depressed person already. The woman has got to get therapy or some kind of happy pills because I've got my own demons and I might be less than caring if she dives into the pity-pot with all of us in tow. I will have to put that wall up and reinforce it's strength. I have the healing of myself and my family and my best friend still to contend with. I just have to have limits to maintain my own ability to function.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm exhausted yet restless. I'm hopeful and afraid. That sounds like an Alanis Morissette song, huh?
I sincerely hope that you all have some sort of peace in your lives. There's nothing wrong with a good rut, because in a good rut, there's nothing wrong.
Love, hope and kindness.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
I was quite amused today as the CEO told me of his belief in his patriarchal religion. I forget the name of this movement. It started about 10 years ago. It helps men learn to be "more giving" fathers and husbands. It's a pretty good idealism that, I'm sure, pays back when followed through.
Unfortunately, it doesn't fit into my reality at all. I guess I am my father in the sense that I've always felt it my responsibility to manage the household and I've always been the bigger breadwinner. That's my own doing so no illwill toward my hubby. He works his ass off for what he gets and I respect that. Certainly, I couldn't do it without him. Regardless, that particular faith just doesn't fit me. (so I wish he'd stop trying to push it on me. UGH.)
I've decided that I'm joining a new church. The Church Of Google
There! Now I've pushed my faith off on everyone else.
You're not buying in either, are you?
Happy Wednesday and a better Troutday tomorrow. Does anyone do half-nekkid Thursdays anymore? That's a good faith to follow. LOL
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
And I replied: "In what capacity?"
He took a pause to ponder that. This isn't the last of THAT conversation.
He said, "She's not comfortable w/moving to the other side of the wall."
and "Help me figure out how to give her more room."
and "We need to be sensitive because she thinks no one cares."
and I thought... "If EVERYONE cared, she'd still think no one cares."
He said, "There's some depression going on."
I'm no longer speaking at all. Just thinking.
And I thought, "Oh yeah? Ya think? Shrinkette maybe??- Oh wait - it's not her. It's all of us. It's a conspiracy."
The CEO said his wife is taking a class on how to be there for others. (THAT was transparent.)
And I thought "I could teach that class - but I'd advise against it. It's not good on the health. Does your class teach how not to let them drag you into hell with them? It's pretty exhausting. Do you just keep a distance? If you do, then your sincerity is fake."
And I thought, "Also, if I offer to take work from her - (which I have and she refuses because you'd feel less sorry for her if she didn' t have such a big burden) - then I've enabled her. Then I've paid her off....and that's what she's after. It will only begin again. There is no way to satisfy that. It is entirely cyclical. This will not end, nor will it better. She will continue like this until she self-destructs and I'm not willing to watch that again. Sorry. Been down that road. It ends badly. I will not care again. I will not feel again.I am sorry that I can't be compassionate anymore. Compassion is for suckers. Once you're a big enough sucker for it, you'll know too."
....and internal conversations.....
Saturday, January 26, 2008
"I would like to thank The Academy, my family for teaching me priorities, and all of my past employers for teaching me self preservation. More than anyone, I want to thank my Dad because Mom says I'm just like him and he would have loved this!"
Ladies and gentlemen, when the stuff hit the fan, I dug deep...
No, I didn't just lie. I PERFORMED. I acted my ass off. I became someone I'm not and I sold it like space heaters to Eskimos. They not only bought it, they PRAISED me because of it. I am, all at once, very jazzed about it and very, very ashamed.
Not ashamed enough to change it. <----THAT is the person I really am.
The movie is called: "They Filter E-mails, Don't They."
The plot: If you update your resume at work, don't e-mail it to your house with the word RESUME anywhere in the e-mail. (snicker)
I was busted.....but.....in a good way. See, the CEO panicked at the knowledge that I was searching for another job. He doesn't want to lose me. He and I work well together. That is true. We do. I genuinely like the man. He isn't the problem. SHE is.
So, he gently called me out on the job searching and he already had a real good idea of the problem. (Thank God for that!) I just kept agreeing with his explanation of the situation and he was pretty much spot on.
Then he and the owner asked me why I didn't tell them earlier..........and that's when I started to lie.
"Oh Rhett, (bat eyelashes) I really felt that the problem was all mine. I didn't think anyone had any issue with her but me. I thought it was just my inability to tolerate her. Ah'm so very sorry for not bringing it up earlier." Swoon. Fake faint. Fade to black.
Puh-leeze. The lady's lucky she doesn't have my serrated letter opener sticking out of her neck.
They came back with a very sincere, "You can talk to us about anything. Is there any other problem with the job? Is there anything else we can help fix?" And then they told me how they'd prayed about it and decided it was best to move her away from me.
That part they got right.
Ladies and gents, I am not the person I pretend to be. I am much darker. I am much less forgiving. I am very, very selfish. I will always, ALWAYS do what is best, in my mind, for my family and for myself. Those are my only priorities.
The CEO said to me, in his very devout way, that he read a book which taught him that the opposite of fear is love. When you love enough, you will sacrafice anything to protect love.
I'll buy that.
I love me. I love my family.
It ends there.
That is all I will ever protect.
The rest of them are on their own.
**Final note** I got it into my head that someone at work has made a connection between this blog and me. Maybe, maybe not. (I've only opened this site 3 times at work and then deleted the history. It could just be paranoia)
Here's the check: If I get a better offer, I'll take it. I've got about 20 years of life left. I'm not going to spend them being unhappy. That's "who I am because of what I've been through." If you grant HER that, then you have to grant me the same.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Mine: Didn't quit smoking. Grumpy and silent.
His: The antibiotics worked (thank gawd!) and he's not coughing or sneezing now. He also found Fortifense by Theraflu. It's vitamins and Ecinacia(sp?) and he believes it's keeping him in better health. Good. Keep taking it!
OH MY GAWD WHAT A WEEK! The co-worker got bombarded with extra work and she made everyone around her miserable for 40 straight hours (for the record. I am everyone.)How can ANYONE complain so much?! Her biggest problem, (and there are many) is that she doesn't just focus and get the job done. She has to exaggerate and blow everything out of proportion. This wastes so much time and makes things look even worse.
For example; on Friday she wasted an hour in the morning pulling a report to show how much work she had "been forced to do" all week. She said "I did 90 orders in 5 days!!" So, I ran the same report and edited out the ones she didn't actually have to enter and the number was 27. She did 27 orders - or 5ish orders/day.
I have to add that I did not offer to help. I'll explain why next.
The blowups got so bad, all of them "pity me", "poor me", "life sucks", "I'm burned out", "I want to quit", "Maybe they'll fire me." and mean, hang-up phone conversations with the sales reps she supports, that she called the CEO at home after hours to scream and cry about how unfair life is for her. I didn't offer to help because I WILL NOT play into that kind of attitude. If I do, I will eventually be stradled with the majority of her work and my own. I think the CEO knows this because he didn't ask me to assist her at all either.
HE DID ask me if I had any issues that needed airing out - because he would hate for them to fester. I said, "No. I'm fine." and "I'm certain that I could manage more work than I'm doing." (giving him an out if he needed it - but only through him, not her) In the end, he didn't give more work to me. He, having worked with her 7 years now and I'm certain he's used to this, ended up delegating some off to another person. I'm HIS assistant and he's selfish with me. Yay. I can live with that. haha
The final outcome for me was a conflict. I uploaded my resume to Monster.com AND I got a call on it the same day. I was excited about the possibility of leaving that insanity - but at the same time I felt wrong for not allowing the CEO the opportunity to resolve what is "festering" in my situation. He feels sorry for her and that's why she's still employed there. She won't go away. The self-pity is her lifestyle. There simply is no point in telling him how bothered I am by it. Nothing will change.
She will have a nervous breakdown when I do.
.....but then....who'll notice? Nothing will be any different than normal.
Next week will be better. I'm starting Week Four on 1-19 because I have Monday off and I want my better week to start now. :)
Love, kindness and peace of mind to you all.
Mine: blue and a bit of a cough – trying AGAIN to quit smoking completely.
His: Better since the antibiotic. Less “tired” feeling but still needs more sleep than “normal”. Could this be from the additional milk he’s drinking? (tryptophan) Cough is not as bad.
The week was rushed and very busy. My dislike for my job seems to expand the busier I get. I resent the demands because I resent the job and the coworker. The busier she gets the more she cries and complains and offends.
I flew to Houston Friday to attempt “our” family Christmas. It went badly. My brother’s family was in turmoil. My sister’s family was moving to their new home (YAY- First home! It’s beautiful and I love it. Good job kiddo!!). My mother was overwhelmed with children, worry and lack of sleep. (The final straw coming when she accidentally backed her car door into the carport post. Sometimes things happen that make everything too real. Thank god neither the door nor the post were badly damaged.)
We did try to be patient and we did try to find humor. (Canadians - inside joke.)
In the end, it got the better of all of us.
I did fix Netzero on my grandfather's PC. No one else knew how or was willing to take the time. It saddens me that no one will help him. He has so little to enjoy and our family acts like he's such a burden. It isn't fair. He's stuck here and he only has us. How dare we not take the time to make his life as enjoyable as possible.
I was pretty proud of getting that Netzero fixed - but even better than that, he and I spent a couple of hours just enjoying each other's company. He told stories of things he remembered and we laughted about our younger days. He gave me a great book, (Turn South at The Second Bridge by Leon Hale <-- that's for you Rupen). It was a time I will hold dear in my memory and hope to have again some day.
We had Christmas and collective-birthdays (the neice and both nephews were born in Jan & Feb) at my brother’s house on Sunday brunchtime. It was rushed because I had a 2:30pm airport arrival time. On the same note, everyone was glad of that because we were all exhausted. Overall it was quite depressing. It made me miss Dad even more.
This morning I am applying my “Better living through denial.” Motto. I will deny to myself that it was bad and remember things like; Nora’s crazy 1 legged floor scoot. Riley’s wonderful laugh. Andrew’s super-quick wit and artistic talents. Nora’s quirky little smile – so many facial expressions on that one…and she’s a THINKER. Ooooh she is planning! Riley is so very sweet and caring for a boy. He’s all boy but he sure loves deeply and obviously. He’s not a terribly manipulative child. He’s more about honesty. I hope he keeps those traits. Andrew wants so much for everyone to be proud of him. He minds very well and takes such good care of his little cousin, but he does have a hurricane of bottled-up-energy to release…and it’s LOUD energy. He seems to have the need to take care of the people around him. He sees things from other perspectives than his own. That’s pretty impressive for an 8yr old boy. Boys generally lack empathy. He’s a sweet kid. I hope his only escapes from the insanity of his surroundings are music and art. Never anything more addictive than that.
The Continental flight home was not without problems. Their track record is now something like 75% failure rate for me. This time there was a “broken indicator light” which prevented us from taking off. 2hrs later and we were on another plane headed home – finally. The evening was sullen and sad.
I’ll get the brakes fixed on my car and drive back down next month.
To look forward to:
1) I have brunch with my “best friend” on Saturday 1/19. She will drink too much and complain even more.
2) I have next Monday off.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Mine=fine - but noticably short tempered
His=The "cold" lingers on. He developed a cough 12-30-07 and went for antibiotics 1-4-08. He's been sick in one way or another since he quit smoking 18 months ago. It unnerves me terribly. I worry.
I created a compilation video of the kid's Christmas. I shared it via PC this year. I taped it because it was Nora's first and because my sister couldn't find her camera. The compilation is here for the sake of memory:
Christmas 2008 Video
The Texas twangs are overwhelming. LOL
I bought my first Ipod! After years of denoucing them as "a ridiculous waste of money", I now cannot understand how I ever lived without one. I'm completely addicted. 4 gig= 600+ songs (no commercials), 2 videos and 4 games...and counting. AND it allows me to listen at work thus blocking out the cellmate and making the time pass more quickly. Ahhhhh - there is no substitute for music.
We adopted cat #3 in early November. It was someone's pet, escaped and lost. The hubby took to feeding it outside back in October and when the first freeze came in we had to act. Turns out the cat is fixed and, thanks to us, now has all of its shots. I considered trying to find the owners, knowing the heartace of that loss, however, the cat is solid black and the hubby feels it was sent by his own, now lost, kitty. How could I deprive the hubby or the cat of a life of guaranteed mutual admiration. Besides, I KNOW that cat will be overly-cared-for in our home. It's what we do.
Welcome home Shadow. You live with us now.
Princess Mishu is still pissed about it.
Going back to work after 5 days off was quite difficult. My internal conflict rages on. I still have no patience or empathy for my cellmate. I keep trying to hang on to Randy Pausch's words "If you don't like someone, just wait a while. They will almost always surprise you." The internal conflict is that while she isn't an entirely bad person, she is a sympathy whore. I lost patience for that type of person on August 11th, 2006. I feel I have good reason. I can't find it in myself to find patience with those who pity themselves publicly. This week she found out that her beloved pet is not long for this world. I, of all people, can empathize with that - but the sobbing at work (literal sobbing) angers me. (and she did it 4 times in one day within earshot of me - as if some kind of sick instant replay. Being around her is like watching a car crash over and over and over - only there's no curiosity, just disdain.) I didn't do that. I didn't even do that when I lost Dad.
I do not display my emotions publicly. I think that I believe it to be a sign of weakness.
The very fact that I have given it this much space only exemplifies my inability to come to terms with it. I suspect that I am jaded. I know, partly, that I am in the wrong to judge - and yet, I am powerless not to. It goes back to the wall that I've built these past two years. Empathizing would put a ding in that wall and I refuse to allow that. The wall stands strong. I will not feel, lest I be hurt myself.
There is an entire dissertation on that wall that I have been writing for a long time. It isn't complete. Maybe, if I ever let anyone through it, I will be able to complete it and move on. Maybe I will never let anyone through it again
On that note, I've had this bizarre longing to re-connect with people from my past. I suspect it has to do with the wall. There is some kind of comfort that I am seeking and not finding. In the past month I have located the Loftons, the Norreds and the Nerrens via the intenet. All people from High School or before. I said "hello" and some said "hello" back. It feels comforting but it also feels separate and temporary. Rejoining the blogosphere is a part of that desire as well.
I need something to hold on to.........but what? I know we can never go back again.
the snow turned into rain"
Same Old Lang Syne
Peace, love, and random acts of kindness to you all.