Thursday, December 21, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.
The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.
-Lady Bird Johnson
I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.
-Louisa May Alcott
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
-Christopher Robin to Pooh
Monday, December 18, 2006
1) I must hear Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant" at noon on Thanksgiving day.
2) I must hear The Eagle's Christmas song...at least once....
3) I must hear Cheech and Chong's "Santa Clause and His Old Lady"
I'm funny like that. These are family traditions. We actually call each other to say, "I heard The Eagles today" or "I heard Cheech and Chong"...and it doesn't matter because we each have them recorded somewhere and we WILL listen to them together at some point.
For your listening enjoyment, here is Cheech and Chong's "Santa Clause and His Old Lady". (Forgive any offensive pictures...I didn't make the video. In fact, it's better if you listen and don't watch.)
Cheech: (Playing piano) Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the vecto wit da
bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his feet...and he's
going to...No, no, that ain't it...Mamamasita, donde esta Santa
Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's...Nah. Hey, man, come
over here, man. I need some help, man.
Chong: Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man?
Cheech: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but it's not
Chong: About WHO, man?
Cheech: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man.
Chong: Yeah, last year at the Fillmore, man. Me and the base player sat in, man.
Cheech: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No, it's not a
Chong: Wha? They break up, man?
Cheech: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a...a red suit, man, on with
black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with that dude,
too, man. He's a good singer, man.
Cheech: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man.
Chong: Well, then he's with Buddha, man.
Cheech: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!
Chong: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from Pittsburgh, man. I
don't know to many local dudes.
Cheech: Oh...I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll tell you da
story about Santa Claus, man. Listen...
Once upon a time, about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude
and has name was Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the
projects with his old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together
because his old lady was really fine, and she could cook and all that
stuff like that, y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man!
Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em, man...
Chong: Wow, did you know these people, man?
Cheech: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me, y'know...until they
got kicked out, man.
Chong: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man?
Cheech: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all these midgets,
y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know, like pounding and
hammering and pounding all night, man...
Chong: Typical freaks, huh?
Cheech: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of fact, they
all moved up north together, y'know.
Chong: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?
Cheech: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune, y'know. It
was called the...uh...Santa Claus and his Old Lady Commune...it was a
real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit around and groove
all the time, y'know.
Chong: Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah, a really good time there, man.
Chong: That sounds heavy, man.
Cheech: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea, man...and what
they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta goodies, y'know? And
they had everything they needed...they only needed to come into town
maybe once year or something like that...
Chong: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right.
Cheech: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year, when they
made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big chopping bag
and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em to all the
boys and girls all da way around da world, man!
Chong: Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much class, man...
they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way they used ta
deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta have this
really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground, had twice-
pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Ooh, clean!
Chong: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man.
Cheech: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile...it was a sled, y'know. One of those big
sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some reindeers, y'know,
Chong: Some WHAT, man?
Cheech: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled, and then he
used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and then call
out their names, like, On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On, Tavo!
C'mon, Becto! And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky and
fly across da sky, man!
Chong: Wow, man! That's far out, man!
Cheech: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta come down to
place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and all those places,
y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and then 'ol Santa Claus
would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real small guy, and he'd come
down da chimney and then he would give you all da stuff that he made, man.
And...dig this, man...he did it all in one night, man!
Chong: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man?
Cheech: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man?
Chong: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man? Like, how'd he
make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he get the reindeer
off the ground, man?
Cheech: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
Chong: Some magic dust?
Cheech: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da reindeer, a
little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa Claus, a little
Chong: And this would get the reindeer off, man?
Cheech: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all da way
around da world, man!
Chong: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this dude, man?
Cheech: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too dangerous, man.
Chong: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!
Cheech: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years ago, man, he
got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into another room
and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and searched his bag of
goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man, he was flying through
the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer, y'know.
Chong: Aw, that's a drag, man.
Cheech: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south, man, and
they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the time, he
was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID, man...just
everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man.
Chong: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man.
Cheech: Aw, repression...recession...it's all da same thing, man.
Chong: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use a dude like
that right now.
Cheech: Oh, he still comes around, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...
Chong: Aw, he went underground, man.
Cheech: Yeah, underground, man.
Chong: I can dig it.
Cheech: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise...nobody would ever know it was
Chong: Oh, yeah?
Cheech: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store, ringing this bell
and playing this tambourine next to this black pot, y'know?
Chong: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN!
Cheech: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man!
Chong: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man!
Chong: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of bread, man!
Cheech: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man!
Chong: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man!
Cheech: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at all, man.
Chong: No, but I played with THIS dude, man.
Cheech: Are you sure, man?
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sniffle. "My baby's a teenager!"
On December 12th, exactly 6 months from the day she was born, that little grey baby went into heat. (dun dun dundunnnnnn)
She then ran a grand coup to take over the world. She started with her mother - who she challenged for bragging rights and ownership of all catnip-smelling items. She won. Her mother (who is fixed) ended up a very wet and annoyed cat. Wet because the humans attempted to intervene with the heat in a meek attempt to retain control of all things not kitty-related.
With water-bottles blazing from both hips, we charged the screaming, growling, twisting mass of fur. "NO!" we screamed. "STOP!" we demanded. Yet neither of us dared to get close enough to risk the razor sharp, spinning claws.
Finally it broke. Enough water was used to coral the mother. With nothing but our wits (and a bag of kitty goodies) we coaxed the feral She-ra back into our arms. And then we tossed her PMSing butt into the bathroom and shut the door.
The morning shower's going to be a challenge today. I'll be sharing the bathroom with a cat who desperately needs a Midol.
How long does heat last? (I know...I'm Googling!)
Happy HUMPDAY - LITERALLY! When things go wrong today, just remind yourself "At least I don't have a cat in heat living in my bathroom."
Hugs and love.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Today is Monday and I must return to reality. (somewhat glad to do so)
For your amusement, I am leaving you with this very disturbing Dancing Spiderman. It's a very creative .gif....that leaves me with more questions than answers.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
-Arthur H. Prince
When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food, and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.
-Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.
Most of us spend our lives as if we have another one in the bank.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Allow me to show you exhibit A:
As you can tell, I am visiting Terry's site, and I have a popup window there on the upper left. That window is full of the number 5. I don't know why Mishu filled it with the number 5. I suspect it was accidentally entered by her 4th rib or so (considering her posture).
Anyway...there's the proof. The cats own us and they rarely allow us to play human games anymore.
Mishu says "Pththththththt!"
Thursday, November 30, 2006
It is 29 degrees outside and dropping...in DALLAS! Weeeeee...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. I'll have to wear my snowboots today.
Happy Thursday. If it's cold where you are, set something on fire (the desk, the boss, the sig-oth etc) and keep yerself warm!
Lots of love.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I finally got a picture of the other one. He usually doesn't sit still long enough.
Andrew - all personality, funny, amazingly creative - draws and creates music.
Riley - center of attention, polite, sympathetic, kind, a deep thinker
Nora is on the way. Due in January.
I look at them and I wonder what kind of adult they will be. I sincerely hope they will be successful and happy. I know they will be loved.
Monday, November 27, 2006
There are times when it is very hard to find some good in the world. I'm going to take a minute to try.
-My sister will have her second baby in two months.
-My best friend got a new car. (she really needed it) It has a 6 disc cd changer. That's great compared to just having radio before. It's a safer vehicle too.
-My brother bought an HDTV - and it's freaking incredible. His house is so nice and his family really seems to be in a good place right now.
Ok. Those are good things. :D
I hope you are all having good things in your lives too.
Thanks for taking the time to visit.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
That nap after dinner
Food food food
Can I just give Thanks for Thanksgiving?
Have a very happy week and a happy holiday, if you celebrate it.
Drop a line and tell me what your favorite thing is about the holidays.
Much Love to you all,
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sometimes I do a Google search for inspiration. I think it's important that we know that Googling the words "Thursday Morning" will provide you with a picture of:
I don't know why.
So, a quick status of the world from my eyes out:
Work is ok but iffy. We might have a year before the office closes, or a month. No one knows except the people who bought us. They're all "hush-hush". I try not to worry. I just want to get through December. (I said that last year and it didn't really work out.)
"If we make it through December, we'll be fine." (if we don't....?)
Hubby's got a bum elbow and he's looking for doctorism. I hope he finds it and the thing gets better.
Hubby's Dad is doing treatments for bladder cancer. This sucks entirely.
Bob Barker is "retiring". (translated to "dying") I so wish he were just retiring. That makes me sad. He should have some life without work.
My sister's baby girl is due in January. My cousin just announced that he and his gal are expecting too. YAY!
Mom's ok but these months are hard for her. She's stronger than we ever gave her credit for...just for getting this far. I worry all the time.
My best friend is looking to me for hope. I'm trying. Maybe I'm doing ok finding hope, although the loss of her daughter is just now starting to hit home with me. I think I'm big on delayed reactions.
I guess that's it. Nothing else.
Gotta do Christmas shopping soon. Waited til the last minute again.
Happy Thursday all.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one.
The only people to get even with are those who have helped you.
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
Etymology: Medieval Latin mediatus, past participle of mediare, from Late Latin, to be in the middle, from Latin medius middle
1 a : to bring accord out of by action as an intermediary b : to effect by action as an intermediary
2 a : to act as intermediary agent in bringing, effecting, or communicating : CONVEY b : to transmit as intermediate mechanism or agency
1 : to interpose between parties in order to reconcile them
2 : to reconcile differences
I believe that the first year of loss is the most difficult. I believe that everyone grieves differently and on an entirely different timescale as another might grieve the same loss. I believe that no loss is greater than another; every loss is entire to the individual left behind...left alive.
I believe that loss and grieving changes us in ways we had no idea we could change. I believe that change comes gradually...and yet, it comes constantly. Some changes are for the better. Some changes are much worse.
I believe grief over-rides patience. That is one consistency I see in all of us.
We have less patience for each other.
I believe loss makes us selfish, even if for only a time. Suddenly our world revolves around us - our loss - our emotions - our ability or inability to cope with every little thing.
I believe that loss confuses reason. It blows up our emotions and makes us incapable of realizing the affect we have on others.
I believe it makes us very sad.
I believe that loss takes all of the puzzle pieces of our lives and throws them to the wind for us to find again and put them back. I believe we never find them all and when we do, they don't fit where they were before.
I believe we love each other as much but we want each other to see our pain instead of feel their own. Misery/company etc.
I wish (but I no longer believe in wishes).
I wish we could stop over-emoting and start understanding. I wish we could put patience and sympathy before anything we want. I wish we could love unconditionally, like we're supposed to. Like we do but we don't express anymore.
I wish we could all step back and accept that we are cracked and bruised and aching and full of fear for our own futures.
I wish. I try.
I see us falling apart.
I can't stop it. I can't mediate.
But tomorrow things will be different. I wait for tomorrow and I pray.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I have a question. I've had it for ages and asked it a few times. It seems the function of "going" to sleep is a very individual thing. It may speak directly to the core of our individuality actually.
How do you go to sleep?
To be very direct, what does your brain do just before you slip out of consciousness?
You've had a good day. Nothing extraordinary has happened. There is no stress pending the sunrise. (It's a Saturday night and all you did was yardwork or something all day.)
It's 11pm. You click off Saturday Night Live, roll over, get in your comfy position and then...what happens inside your brain?
It seems an odd thing to ask but can be difficult to answer. The idea is so foreign to some that I've had the response "I don't understand what you mean." This comes from a person who closes their eyes and simultaneously begins to snore. This is not a blessing I've ever had.
My answer: Yes, the day plays in my head and sometimes other scenarioes of myself having productive discussions with other people - but - those scenarioes will not allow me to sleep. I must pretend. I must mentally project myself OUT of my own world. I must imagine myself elsewhere and generally with people I do not know. I suppose it is "fantasy" that gets me to sleep. I must do it though. Every night. Without fail. Not to do so means not to sleep.
How do you go to sleep?
Love and warm hugs to all of you. Sorry for my absence. I seem to be on a two week post schedule lately.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
In return, they make silly meowing noises at random times (this keeps us on our toes) and they occasionally pounce a toy to see if we'll come running and, once again, emit coos while repeating "isn't that the cutest thing"?
It's all very embarrassing.
My best friend was approved to volunteer at Baylor Children's Hospital. This is supposed to be theraputic. I'll leave it at that.
Otherwise, she's doing fairly well.
My hubby went to Albuquerque to visit his brother and new neice. His parents flew there from North Carolina so it was a pretty good get-together. The only downside is the very recent diagnosis of my hubby's father's bladder cancer. He's quite uncomfortable and a plan of attack has yet to be determined. However, his father is an amazingly upbeat person so I have a great deal of hope.
Mom's doing fairly well. My sister is now 7 months re-pregnant. We will have a new girl in the family in January. Nora Beth. I'm excited. We all are.
This will be the sister of that little boy I keep posting...and, of course, I just did again. Can you believe those curls? I'm such a proud aunt.
Also, if anyone can translate this:
...it would be greatly appreciated. I've looked everywhere trying. We were told that the top symbols meant "Endurance" and the bottom one "Justice". We now think it was something entirely different. They were Jessica's tatoos. Her mother wants to get them now...but not without knowing what they really mean.
Finally, I did a quick look back. October 18th, 2005 - one year ago....oblivion. It seems like a minute ago and a century ago. It's a good feeling to look back at that. Good and bittersweet. Oh, to be that child again. The one in the picture and the one who was looking at the picture.
Peace, love, hope, happiness and FREE HUGS to every one of you. I hope this post finds you in a comfortably bored place in life. :) There's a helluva lot to say for comfortable boredom. Don't ever take a good rut for granted.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
(Marking the events of my life: There are a great many mysteries surrounding Jessica's death. Lies that have been exposed. Odd questions that may forever go unanswered. The life of a teen/young adult is frought with drama and secrets.
How we wish she were here now to clear all of this up.
Will there ever be closure for her mother? I do not know.
I have learned that acceptance is open to translation. One accepts...but not that the person is gone. One accepts that one lives on. That is all.)
Happy Wednesday(Wedgieday) to all.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
It seems I've been running at 100mph since the kitten came into our lives. Every moment is; clean a litter box, change a food or water bowl, play with me! play with me!.
In between I'm trying to get dressed for work, buy groceries, cook dinner, fix/eat breakfast, watch a show that I recorded on TiVo because I didn't have time to watch it before.
The morning begins and suddenly it's time for bed again. The days are full.
I want to finish my computer game (final level of Unreal II), finish one of the books I started, chat online, open my e-mails (I'm constantly behind), catch up with bloggers, check on Rik Emmett, watch all of my new Green Day DVD, watch those recorded shows before next weeks shows get recorded too. I need to go to the bank, go to the gas station, go to the store. I never seem to have time.
Of course, I don't blame kitties. I'm glad kitties are here. I just haven't worked them into my schedule quite yet. I can't ignore them and that little one defines cat-nap. She only sleeps for an hour at a time. She's a ball of energy bouncing on my head.
Right now, she wants to play with my fingers because they're clicking on the keyboard. Must be something fun there. LOL
Ah well...maybe Saturday.....I just never know.
Love and hugs.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Calico still has no real name. She's Leetle Kitty (a.k.a. Momma Kitty, Schitzo, Sybil).
Speaking of Mommas...my very own Momma came to visit. We had a wonderful time. We were so busy though. Lots of shopping and eating. A little movie watching and visiting.
Mom rode up with my cousin on 9/7 and flew home on 9/10. That's significant because this was my mother's very first plane ride. She liked the flying part. She wasn't comfortable though. It takes a while, I guess, to learn all the nuances of "comfortable" plane seating....if there is such a thing. Air vents, pillows, reclining chairs, window shades etc.
Also, she flew on a small jet. Those are such a pain. I hope she'll fly with me sometime in a big plane to some wonderful destination.
Then, on 9/14 Mishu came home. Mishu is one of Momma Kitty's babies. Momma Kitty recognized Mishu right away. Mishu did not recognize Momma though. Instead, Mishu got all pissy and hissed and smacked at Momma. What a tude for an animal that doesn't even weigh a full pound yet. LOL
By Saturday, Mishu had given in to all the licking and loving and playing and now they're happy campers.
I had forgotten how much energy kittens have. OMG that is the bounciest critter.
So anyway, they're keeping us awake and we're trying to teach them when to eat and sleep and cut us some slack.
Neither one of them like PoohCat...but Pooh is very old and very diabetic and nearly blind so I think he doesn't care. He lives in the bedroom and never comes out. He's our night-time baby.
Aside from the above insantiy, all is well....as well as can be anyway.
My best friend is going through stages. She has much professional theraputic help...which is very very good because I sure didn't have it in me to walk through this process again. I keep watching and hoping. It's all we can do.
Much love to all of you. Thank you for checking back with me during my droning absence.
Oh, one more thing...I turned 39 for the first time yesterday. Woohooo. :D
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The people here can't figure out my name. They keep saying it will come to them but it has been 5 days and they're still calling me "Little Kitty". How silly.
I've got a very sweet disposition...unless you bring that upstairs cat down. Then I'll throw a hissy-fit. (literally)
I understand that I'm very amusing to the people. I don't see what's so funny. I'm just honing my hunting skills. When I was a stray, I hunted all the time; and bunnies move a lot faster than this silly catnip mouse. I really do like the catnip though.
The people seem to be amused by my tongue. Yes, I clean A LOT but it's next to godliness and must be done. So what if my tongue sticks out when I stop. Sometimes that tongue needs a break. It's hefty work licking an entire cat.
Ok, I'm going to turn off the computer. They don't know yet that I surf the net when they're away. All I need now is a credit card and that 20 foot post is mine, all mine!
Oh, my new Mommy wants to know a foreign name for tongue. (a female foreign name)
I think she wants to name me that. ACK. The lady is crazy.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The scent of rain blowing in on the wind.
The velvet softness of a baby's scalp.
The hush of the year's first snowfall.
The overjoyed smile of someone you haven't seen in a long time.
Mom's chocolate pie.
An inside joke with someone you love that makes you both laugh out loud every time you say it.
Quiet candle light time when the power's out.
The middle of a good book with a page-turner plot.
Sharing secrets with someone who gets you.
Misty sunrise on a lake in the fall.
Great Blue Herons in flight.
Baby birds just learning to fly but still squeaking for Mom.
Brand new kittens/puppies and great old pets.
A tearjerker movie with a happy ending.
A compliment from a complete stranger.
The way that baby wraps you around his/her finger just by smiling.
Christmas decorations and the smell of pine.
These are things I want to see, smell, hear, feel again in this life. These are reasons to live.
Please add to the list with reckless abandon.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
First, I am not in a bad place emotionally...at the moment. I'm actually doing quite well lately. I think we (my family and I) are turning a corner of acceptance. Mom's doing ok. My sister's doing ok. Today is ok. I feel balance returning.
There's always a "but" isn't there?
Back on March 13th I told the story of my best friend and her daughter. The daughter had come to that typical impass of child/adult growing. The one where she rebels against everything in an attempt to become an independent...a grown up. The one where Mom and daughter butt heads in the extreme.
Most every girl goes through this with her Mother at some point. I did anyway.
For those two, it didn't go well. They have since been on the way to recovering.
...Tomorrow, August 14th, I will see my best friend for the first time since my father's funeral. I will see her at her daughter's funeral.
Jess's self-pity led to drug use. Drug use took her life Friday night.
I absolutely ache for the pain her mother is about to experience. (shock is the current emotion)
I ache because I know.
I hate that she and I now have this in common.
...Jess has lived a great deal of her life in a state of self-pity. A trait she learned from her mother.
I have been separating myself from them emotionally due to my own situation. For the first time in 12yrs, I stepped away to let them find their own ground.
To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.
I shouldn't have stepped back. I should have jumped in with both feet and forced that kid to love us back. My father would have locked me in a room until I accepted that he was doing it out of love.
Instead, I let her go. We all let her go.
I am wiser now.
Too late again.
Peace and love to all of you. Who is the person you're at odds with that you wish you weren't? Undo that. Undo it today. Be the one to give in first. Just say "I love you." and let it get better. Make it better.
Tomorrow is too late.
PS - My posts will be limited. They've been barely here for a while now anyway.
I feel it is absolutely wrong for me to dump so much negative emotional trauma on a group of kind friends and strangers. That's no way for me to better the world. I cannot justify smudging it in this ugliness. SO - I will post happy, good things when I find them. Don't think I'm not happy if I'm not posting...I just haven't had time is all. I'm working very hard to find peace. When I do, I promise to share it. :)
Love love love to each of you.
Thank you for kindness and tolerance and 10pm moon viewing. ;)
Monday, August 07, 2006
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
"Hi Dad. I recorded this show and I want you to see it. I know you're going to love it. It's called Animusic. It's all this computer generated animation set to music. There's one with all these.....well balls. The balls hit cymbals and drums and stings to make the notes. It's so complex though. It's just incredible!
I'll put it on video and bring it down so we can watch it."
We never got to watch it together.
I can't bring myself to delete it off of Tivo.
It's pretty incredible though, huh?
Monday, July 24, 2006
What we were before we aren't now.
What we are now we won't be tomorrow.
The pendulum swings....ticky tocky, ticky tocky.
We could be anything...any minute.
Healed, hurt, hero, hemorraged.
Anything at all...and then something else entirely.
Do not try to follow along. It will only make you dizzy.
...and I'm all "c'mere Ralph Waldo Emerson! I'm gonna kick yer arse til you fall and can't rise anymore." Apparently Ralphie-boy hasn't met the women in my family. Luck is not our strong suit lately. That "rising" thing isn't really working for us and the falling thing is getting way redundant. I wonder what made Ralphie so danged optimistic!
Oh wait, positive thoughts....happy thoughts...
Sometime...in the way distant future...my family will be stronger and better because of the bull-pucky we've been through this year. Yes. We will.
In the future.
Fast forward please.
"It is not I who is crazy?
It is I who is MAD."
I do believe:
I've got toys in the attic.
I've got bats in the belfry.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
My elevator doesn't reach top floor.
I took a trip around the bend.
I'm dipping into the squirrel stash.
I'm nutty as a fruitcake.
I'm mad as a hatter.
I'm not playing with a full deck.
I've got a few screws loose.
I fell completely out of my tree.
I lost all my marbles.
I've started howling at the moon.
I have a straightjacket in every color.
I've cracked, bent, gone spacey, noodled out, twisted off and I am most definitely certifiably insane in the membrane.
I'm tripping billies.
I'm one taco shy of a combo plate.
I'm queer as a football bat.
I have gone all Patsy Cline and I don't think I'm coming back.
Welcome to Wackjob City; population: ME!
Yeah, that might be a little too "happy".
I've had it.
There will be only happy thoughts from now on.
There will be no death. There will be no divorce. There will be no betrayal. There will be no sadness or crying or broken dreams. No more.
ONLY HAPPINESS DAMMIT! ONLY HAPPINESS!!!
Think of it as an experiment. Will happy thoughts actually bring happiness?
I don't know.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
How often do we have to watch our dreams break and fall away? If the cycle is: hope, dream, lose, again and again, why do we still bother to hope or dream? What bizarre resiliance keeps us wanting to hope all over again?
When we marry, why do we believe in forever? It's rarely real.
When we give birth, why do we believe that love is unconditional. It isn't.
We hope for financial freedom. We plan for vacations. We pretend tomorrow isn't going to be a train wreck....but those trains wreck. They usually always wreck.
I don't understand anything anymore. This is a terrible ride and I want to take everyone I love to Disneyland and heal us all.
Why does it have to keep getting worse??
---Baby, I love you so much. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for the things you're suffering right now. I wish I could make it alright again. I wish I could just take all the pain away and make everything all better.
WHY CAN'T I FIX US?
REWIND REWIND REWIND REWIND REWIND REWIND REWIND REWIND
We fed the kitty. Then the kitty had kitties.
There's a gray one on the left. We're going to keep that one.
We found a neighbor who will keep the momma kitty and one baby and her sister will take two others. All kitties accounted for. :)
Someone I love is sad and afraid because she thinks she might lose her marriage....and I don't know if that's true or not. I am sad for her. I want to make her(them) happy again. I hope time will fix this. I don't have a whole lot of faith in time healing things lately.
It's funny. When I was younger, I had all the answers. Now I don't have any.
I think I'll just look forward to a kitty and maybe everything else will work itself out.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
See this kid? I met him about 10 yrs into the future. It is not a good thing.
Here's the story as it really happened:
Saturday, July 15th. The hubby's at work and I woke up early. It's the day after payday. My mood is....undecided.
I need some things at Target so I'm showered and dressed early. I head out about 8:30a.m. I do a little shopping. Nothing serious happens. Mood still...undecided.
I come home. It's warm outside but I'm thinking, "I should do something positive. I should put on some jogging clothes and go for a walk." I proceed to do so...except...
I step out on my back porch and I see....a heap of litter right down the hill. Grrrrr. I grab a trash bag and a latex glove from under the sink and I go get the heap of litter. It has been left at the "tee" of the frisbee golf course. Now, I have no beef with frisbee golfers. They're generally nice people. They're not rowdy and they're all pretty friendly.....but my mood is being decided.
I'm ANGRY. Very ANGRY.
There are garbage cans in this park, yet I have picked up 6 cups, a beer bottle and a half empty bag of chips. I think..."I'm not going to put up with this anymore." I take this bag of garbage and I put it SMACK into the frisbee golf goal at the end of the course.
...and a teenaged golfer sees me do it.
He rants some obscenities about "who the hell do I think I am" and I rail back "It's your garbage!!" We begin to curse one another. He puts the bag in the garbage can (because now it's in his way, see?) and I walk off. As I'm walking off he gets in the last word. He screams, "Go home you fat bitch."
I continue to walk away...although I would like very much to dig my fingernails into the skin of his forehead and RIP HIS FACE OFF.
But the problem isn't his. It's mine.
See..."bitch" I understand. "Fat" that screws with my head.
Here's this beautiful specimen of an 18yr old and I realize that I look, to him, like his fatassed mother. (Personally, I'd like to have a talk with his fatassed mother about respect for elders and raising her son with some decency.)
I'm not fat. I'm not buff though.
I'll give that I've taken in 6 months of comfort food but I've only gained 5lbs. And I quit smoking too. I don't think I'm doing so bad. But now I can't look at myself in a mirror without considering what he saw.
Suddenly, I want to be that 105lb teenager that I used to be. I'm afraid to eat. I'm living off of Special K cereal.
I HATE that I let that kid get inside my head. I really should have just smacked him and let that be the end of it.
Worse yet, he'll be back. I'll see him again. He'll see me again.
I suddenly want to join Tae Kwan Do so I can get all buff and then kick his butt.
Where's his mom? I know I could kick her butt.
Ick. This is an UGLY side of me.
Happy Thursday-before-my-day-off. Tomorrow will be better.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Ok. So I've been pathetically moody and embarassingly antisocial. Please, please accept my apologies.
I truly do not understand the mood swings. They are from the highest high to the absolute lowest low. I cannot seem to stay in the middle ground. I've tried the anti-mood-swing happy-pills but they don't work either. I still have the swings.
I was told this will come in waves. That has got to be the most true statement ever made...at least for me. I think I'm having undersea earthquakes followed by some serious tsunamis. (and I realize how not funny that is)
Ok. I'm on the upside now and I'm taking Friday off to just chill out. I think I'll go see a movie that day (Johnny Depp) and then just not think for a while. Thanks all for encouraging words and just for sticking around to listen to me whine. (gotta stop that)
Much love to each of you. I do hope you're doing well. I promise to visit the next time that time allows.
Oh...and tomorrow I'll tell you about bad teenagers. Evil, bad teenagers. Woohoo. ;)
Monday, July 17, 2006
I think I hurt them all.
I think I only feel my own pain now.
I think I shut them out.
They couldn't help anyway.
I turned them all against me.
It wasn't entirely on purpose.
It was subconscous mostly - although -
I knew I was doing it.
And a part of me revels in the solitude...
rolls in the emptiness...
It is a self-pitying part of me.
It is my fault.
Why then, can I not feel regret?
I have lost compassion
even for myself.
I lock the door behind me
and walk away into the darkness.
I don't look back.
I think, "they'll forget me in time."
I was only a burden to them.
I could fix this.
I could try.
I don't know how though.
I'm shocked at how no one else
They just blame and anger.
I don't have the answers...
neither do they apparently.
I wonder, "where is their compassion."
And I realize, there never was.
I am alone of my own doing.
I am alone of their doing.
I am alone.