Monday, May 31, 2004

My greatest talent...wasted

Back when I knew how to draw......1993 Posted by Hello

5/31/2004 A smattering of verse (plagerized entirely)

Between the Dreams of You and I
copyright Rik Emmett (If you're not listening to his music, you're missing out!)
**my apologies for any misquotings**

This age holds nothing sacred.
An empty masquerade.
We're targets for the bullets
on the hit parade.

We practice imperfections.
Learn the art of compromise.
Then gaze upon reflections
of love's disguise.

Who will count the words unspoken?
Who will count the tears we cry?

These measures lie between
the dreams of you and I.

The circles set in motion
come bearing down our way.
The promise of tomorrow
still burns today.

Dancing waves out on the ocean...
Shooting stars up in the sky...
These fundamental things
connect through you and I.

Hear the echoes of the ages.
Feel the rhythm of the tides.
The truth keeps coming down into that place
where love resides.

The places where love resides.

We search for something holy,
then draw the bottom line.
Tracing out our portrait
in love's design.

Every wave out on the ocean;
Every star up in the sky;
These things we share
between the dreams of you and I.

5/31/2004 Work makes Jack a dull boy

So what does it do to Jill?

Work. Work work work. Work some more.
I dread it.
I am engulfed in it.
I am nothing without it.
I loathe it.
I fear it.

It is like laundry...there's always more to be done.
It is not like laundry - there isn't really as much pressure to wash as to work.

Subject change...sorta...
Is it hormonal? I can't stop crying.
Everything makes me cry.
Sitting here....makes me cry.
Talking to ANYONE makes me cry.
The self-pity thing is annoyingly overwhelming. I HAVE to let it go.
I HAVE to work at being happier.
My life is not bad.
I have love. I have family. Good good family.
I have friends. Good caring friends.
I have my husband. Trying so hard husband.
I have the cats. Happy cats.
I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. Brand new cars. Music in my life. Cable TV. Broadband internet. SOME finer things.
I'm not really at risk of losing much even if the job changes.
WHY am I miserable?
WHY can't I stop crying.
WHY am I so lost in the self-pity.
WHY do I feel alone and heart-broken and empty?
I don't understand why I can't pick myself back up.
I don't understand why no one can help me.
I don't understand why I can't help myself.

I need downtime.
I need my toes in the sand and an ocean to play in.
I need to STOP for a while.
I need perspective.
I need hope.

I can sit here and dwell on a thousand (million) things I don't have.
(have not done, will never do...)
Why can't I be content with what I do have?
So many people have so much less.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

5/30/2004 passing the days

No. I have no idea what I'll write today. I am letting the fingers do the thinking. A sort of free-writing experiment.
I can start with what's new. Work was hard this week. It always is on Memorial Day. Trucks are impossible to find. The workforce is whittled down by those on holiday and those hauling produce. 1/3rd of the trucks left to take everyone's freight and the cost is high.
This week...this time in the life of this little company...the price was much more than money. It was emotional. We were attacked by our never-gracious host.
We sit about saying "they'll miss us when we're gone" and "they'll come running back within two months". They will not.
DP didn't go running back to GST. They chose another entity.

MFoods won't come running back.
We will die out. Fall to some sad extinction.
Again....I will do it again somewhere else.
One more time I will hope to land where I can remain until I retire.
Or die.

I don't want to do it anymore. I hate trucks, trucking, freight, customers, uncertaintity.

There are a number of other things for me to be bitter about right now.
Unrequitted givings.
And I could go on and on and on.......but he is out of the shower and I have to put my mask back on so no one sees the pain.
I can't get through the days with the pain on the outside.
No one can really know.
No one.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

5/20/2004 When it starts going starts rolling faster.

I had an endoscopy today for what we thought was an ulcer. Not a surprise considering the stress of the job.

Then we got home and HE got fired from his job (which he hated anyway). They did it over the phone on his day off. Said he was fired for "creating a hostile work environment". They didn't write him up or discuss it with him at all before this. He hadn't even had his evaluation yet.
I'll grant that the way it was handled was entirely wrong. I'll also grant that it probably had a LOT to do with the negative attitude he carries with him. Which is likely a result of being so unhappy with the job.
Circular issues, I guess.
He's not at all an aggressive person. I've never seen an ounce of real aggression out of him. He can be stern and bitter...but he's not a threat.
Anyway, I'm trying to justify his situation because I know he's hurting and angry. I would be too.
I'll carry us for a while financially. I can do that.

More stress for me though.

Did I mention that I might be out of a job in the next six weeks.

Life is rolling downhill and picking up speed.

I want out.
Are there happy people in the world? Somewhere?
I'd rather win that than the lottery.

Shit and crap and darn.

Monday, May 17, 2004

5-17-2004 MONDAY

A couple of interesting notes:
1) I did the math today and realized I'll be thirty-seven in two months.
The silly part is that I have been telling people I'm thirty-seven for the last year. I am not. I am thirty-six. (and apparently lacking heavily in mathematical skills) So....10 months into thirty-six I realize that I have lost a year....or did I gain it....because it is really all perspective.
2) 10:30am today we got the news that the contract would not be renewed. That leaves me with an odd mix of emotions. I am relieved. In six weeks things will be different. Surely things will be better than now. Also, I'm very good at "start-ups" so new business should be enjoyable for me. Not to mention a whole new set of people to be friendly with. This means I can drop all the annoying old ones.
I'll miss a couple. But a couple out of a hundred isn't much to miss. just falls into my life of impermanence. I'll move on and they'll forget me and no one will care in a year's time.
Less baggage this way.
Unfortunately - it also leaves me with no guarantee of employment. For all I know, I can take my ulcer and go. Better heal this thing in 6 weeks. Changing insurance makes this is a pre-exi$ting condition. Cha-ching.
And what if I find myself with a smaller paycheck next time? And what if I end up in the same damned job. And why don't I figure out how to franchise and get a job that will be around for a few years???
What does being a franchise owner do to your resume? Is it one of those things you can't turn back from? Will it pay the bills? Is it time to get smaller bills?
Shit and crap and darn.
Impermanence. The second strongest theme of my life. Unrequitted and Impermanent.

Watch these days go by. They should be very interesting.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

5/16/2004 Therapy was only a week ago??

Therapy + 1
Saturday - 4pm - the load arrived frozen. Had to find someone to fix that. Had to find a new truck. Made calls. Couldn't reach anyone. (Couldn't reach anyone who cared.) 4:30pm went to the office...alone. More calls. No help. No hope. HOPELESS. Finally had breakdown #2. Realized why the job is eating me alive.
I had failed.
Left at 6pm feeling hurt and alone. Then the original carrier called (finally) and we worked something out. The something carried on until 1pm Sunday. No rest for the weary. Bad bad weekend.
What weekend? There are no stinking weekends. No holidays either.
2 weeks vacation isn't enough. 14 of 365 work days. Not enough.
Monday night - stomach problems. Very very sick. Decided it was the last straw and I was GOING to see a doctor. So many unnecessary risks in that act. I don't miss work for silly reasons. I don't come in late. I come in early and work late........I never stop working. It hovers over me. Big grey cloud...always threatening rain. STILL....I had to worry that taking time to see a doctor would stain my image. Make me look like a drama queen. Make me appear weak and pathetic. Not worthy. (WORTHY? I'M WORTHY of this suffering? Now that's just a sick irony!)
Tuesday - made the appt for Thursday @4pm. He said to me "Who else in your family has had an ulcer." surprise to me. BUT here's the kicker: SHE has an ulcer too. SHE has one for the same reasons I have one...only slightly worse since the passing of her father. I feel for her. I hurt for her. So much to deal with being HER. I want to tell her I'm sorry for her and I want to take the pressure off of her......but.....what is the cost to self? When have I ever thought of myself first anyway? (And there is a sad sick part of me that feels terribly "one-upped" when she tells me of her ulcer. Afterall...hers is bleeding. Mine is not. So how dare I suffer out loud.) And I make light by saying "I'm proud of this! I've earned this! I've worked for 11yrs to get this ulcer and these grey hairs! ha ha ha"
That is what I say. It isn't what I feel.
I feel alone.
I feel - WHAT ABOUT ME?!?
I feel relieved somehow. Somewhere between crying on the bathroom floor and a doctor telling me I have an ulcer....I feel relieved.
I am pathetic.
Friday - I worked 7-6. SHE had to go see her doctor about her ulcer and I had to stay late to cover. I don't mind. I really don't mind the work. The problem was trying to pretend I wasn't sick as a dog all day long. "No, it's ok. I understand. You take care of yourself. You have people who depend on you and who need you. You go get better." (Me, I'll just sit her and choke back the bile for an extra two hours. No sweat. I'm getting good at it.)
Saturday - broken things again at work. Sinus headache to add to the strain. I lost empathy and became apathetic like a switch had been flipped. I tried to care but I couldn't. I just wanted to sleep off the Sudafed and the headache. I just wanted to be left alone to cry. I got none of that.
6pm HE awoke from HIS Saturday, 4hr, undisturbed nap. Our moods seemed fine. We needed to go out to get petfood. I said I needed to run an errand too. We showered. We dressed. We got in my truck and we started off. He said "Stop at the box so I can get the mail." I said "Ok." Then we started talking and I drove right by it. In 30 seconds stopping at the box had completely slipped my mind. He got mad. I should know by now that getting what he wants comes first. It just slipped my mind.
I backed up in the drive and took him to the box. He was huffy and kept saying "Well I ASKED!!" I said "I know, I just forgot! Just fucking shoot me in the head!" He got out and mumbled "Go by yourself."

And I did.

I backed right up and left him standing there. I went about my errands holding back tears of frustration. I let him down. I was the disappointment. I am the failure.
He was wrong to throw a fit. The box wasn't going anywhere. He was wrong to belittle me. But ultimately - I forgot to stop. It was my fault.

I came home...I took a little yellow pill and some more Sudafed. I went to sleep on the bathroom floor with the door locked.

He doesn't want me around. So why don't I leave? Why doesn't he leave?

"Sitting around....waiting to die."

Is that enough to tell my therapist the next time I see him? Is that an hour's worth? Don't worry - there are 5 more days until then.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Past ramblings


so I'll write down all the bs that keeps trolling 'round my head.
I'll think of songs and words to fill these lines.
I'll look for all the answers in deviant little thoughts.
I'll try to bring up reasons in these rhymes.

"it must be awful to try to fly with paper wings in the rain."

And away I go. Whatever comes to mind. I don't have to be a part of it. My fingers know the keys.
My mind dribbles on wihtout me.

I keep thinking it will all come to me some day.
I keep thinking the creative juices havn't gone away.
I write while you're away. I need moments of "space".
I want to stop starting sentences with "I".

Let's try AND

And tomorrow offers no relief.
No belief.
No release
from these dreams.
I live inside a fantasy
of you
of me
so far from real.
I live with hope neverending.
While reality simply remains empty.

Where are all the tomorrows I dreamed about today?
Shouldnt' they be here by now?
Magnetic poems at my friend's office 3/27

We soar together

friends in life

the woman of purple

and I

Love is the only the

frantic cry from madmen

she screams sweet bitter aching love

delicate storms of delirious want

Sleeping by the lazy summer lake

drunk on days and time with you

A symphony of a thousand diamonds

plays when he is near

Please tell me who

will shake me from

my iron dress of sadness

These moments rusts

like repulsive lust

I mean to see

no chains on my feet