Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

1-29-08 external conversations

The CEO said: "I need you to help me support her."
And I replied: "In what capacity?"

He took a pause to ponder that. This isn't the last of THAT conversation.
He said, "She's not comfortable w/moving to the other side of the wall."
and "Help me figure out how to give her more room."
and "We need to be sensitive because she thinks no one cares."
and I thought... "If EVERYONE cared, she'd still think no one cares."
He said, "There's some depression going on."
I'm no longer speaking at all. Just thinking.
And I thought, "Oh yeah? Ya think? Shrinkette maybe??- Oh wait - it's not her. It's all of us. It's a conspiracy."

The CEO said his wife is taking a class on how to be there for others. (THAT was transparent.)
And I thought "I could teach that class - but I'd advise against it. It's not good on the health. Does your class teach how not to let them drag you into hell with them? It's pretty exhausting. Do you just keep a distance? If you do, then your sincerity is fake."
And I thought, "Also, if I offer to take work from her - (which I have and she refuses because you'd feel less sorry for her if she didn' t have such a big burden) - then I've enabled her. Then I've paid her off....and that's what she's after. It will only begin again. There is no way to satisfy that. It is entirely cyclical. This will not end, nor will it better. She will continue like this until she self-destructs and I'm not willing to watch that again. Sorry. Been down that road. It ends badly. I will not care again. I will not feel again.I am sorry that I can't be compassionate anymore. Compassion is for suckers. Once you're a big enough sucker for it, you'll know too."

....and internal conversations.....

Saturday, January 26, 2008

1-25-08 And the Oscar goes to...


"I would like to thank The Academy, my family for teaching me priorities, and all of my past employers for teaching me self preservation. More than anyone, I want to thank my Dad because Mom says I'm just like him and he would have loved this!"

Ladies and gentlemen, when the stuff hit the fan, I dug deep...

and I lied.

No, I didn't just lie. I PERFORMED. I acted my ass off. I became someone I'm not and I sold it like space heaters to Eskimos. They not only bought it, they PRAISED me because of it. I am, all at once, very jazzed about it and very, very ashamed.

Not ashamed enough to change it.
<----THAT is the person I really am.

The movie is called: "They Filter E-mails, Don't They."
The plot: If you update your resume at work, don't e-mail it to your house with the word RESUME anywhere in the e-mail. (snicker)
I was a good way. See, the CEO panicked at the knowledge that I was searching for another job. He doesn't want to lose me. He and I work well together. That is true. We do. I genuinely like the man. He isn't the problem. SHE is.
So, he gently called me out on the job searching and he already had a real good idea of the problem. (Thank God for that!) I just kept agreeing with his explanation of the situation and he was pretty much spot on.
Then he and the owner asked me why I didn't tell them earlier..........and that's when I started to lie.

"Oh Rhett, (bat eyelashes) I really felt that the problem was all mine. I didn't think anyone had any issue with her but me. I thought it was just my inability to tolerate her. Ah'm so very sorry for not bringing it up earlier." Swoon. Fake faint. Fade to black.

Puh-leeze. The lady's lucky she doesn't have my serrated letter opener sticking out of her neck.

They came back with a very sincere, "You can talk to us about anything. Is there any other problem with the job? Is there anything else we can help fix?" And then they told me how they'd prayed about it and decided it was best to move her away from me.
That part they got right.

Ladies and gents, I am not the person I pretend to be. I am much darker. I am much less forgiving. I am very, very selfish. I will always, ALWAYS do what is best, in my mind, for my family and for myself. Those are my only priorities.
The CEO said to me, in his very devout way, that he read a book which taught him that the opposite of fear is love. When you love enough, you will sacrafice anything to protect love.
I'll buy that.
I love me. I love my family.
It ends there.
That is all I will ever protect.

The rest of them are on their own.

**Final note** I got it into my head that someone at work has made a connection between this blog and me. Maybe, maybe not. (I've only opened this site 3 times at work and then deleted the history. It could just be paranoia)
Here's the check: If I get a better offer, I'll take it. I've got about 20 years of life left. I'm not going to spend them being unhappy. That's "who I am because of what I've been through." If you grant HER that, then you have to grant me the same.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Week Three - Katie bar the door!! (1-14-08 - 1-18-08)

Mine: Didn't quit smoking. Grumpy and silent.
His: The antibiotics worked (thank gawd!) and he's not coughing or sneezing now. He also found Fortifense by Theraflu. It's vitamins and Ecinacia(sp?) and he believes it's keeping him in better health. Good. Keep taking it!

OH MY GAWD WHAT A WEEK! The co-worker got bombarded with extra work and she made everyone around her miserable for 40 straight hours (for the record. I am everyone.)How can ANYONE complain so much?! Her biggest problem, (and there are many) is that she doesn't just focus and get the job done. She has to exaggerate and blow everything out of proportion. This wastes so much time and makes things look even worse.
For example; on Friday she wasted an hour in the morning pulling a report to show how much work she had "been forced to do" all week. She said "I did 90 orders in 5 days!!" So, I ran the same report and edited out the ones she didn't actually have to enter and the number was 27. She did 27 orders - or 5ish orders/day.
I have to add that I did not offer to help. I'll explain why next.

The blowups got so bad, all of them "pity me", "poor me", "life sucks", "I'm burned out", "I want to quit", "Maybe they'll fire me." and mean, hang-up phone conversations with the sales reps she supports, that she called the CEO at home after hours to scream and cry about how unfair life is for her. I didn't offer to help because I WILL NOT play into that kind of attitude. If I do, I will eventually be stradled with the majority of her work and my own. I think the CEO knows this because he didn't ask me to assist her at all either.

HE DID ask me if I had any issues that needed airing out - because he would hate for them to fester. I said, "No. I'm fine." and "I'm certain that I could manage more work than I'm doing." (giving him an out if he needed it - but only through him, not her) In the end, he didn't give more work to me. He, having worked with her 7 years now and I'm certain he's used to this, ended up delegating some off to another person. I'm HIS assistant and he's selfish with me. Yay. I can live with that. haha

The final outcome for me was a conflict. I uploaded my resume to AND I got a call on it the same day. I was excited about the possibility of leaving that insanity - but at the same time I felt wrong for not allowing the CEO the opportunity to resolve what is "festering" in my situation. He feels sorry for her and that's why she's still employed there. She won't go away. The self-pity is her lifestyle. There simply is no point in telling him how bothered I am by it. Nothing will change.

The reality is, as much as I like the man, I will leave him in a horrible lurch as soon as I find another job. And I will. And hopefully very soon. This weekend I will be hitting the job sites and corporate boards with resume and cover letters galore. I will feign dental appointments to cover my interviews. I will leave.

She will have a nervous breakdown when I do.
.....but then....who'll notice? Nothing will be any different than normal.

Next week will be better. I'm starting Week Four on 1-19 because I have Monday off and I want my better week to start now. :)

Love, kindness and peace of mind to you all.

Week Two - Patience, where art thou? (1-7-08 - 1-13-08)

Mine: blue and a bit of a cough – trying AGAIN to quit smoking completely.
His: Better since the antibiotic. Less “tired” feeling but still needs more sleep than “normal”. Could this be from the additional milk he’s drinking? (tryptophan) Cough is not as bad.

The week was rushed and very busy. My dislike for my job seems to expand the busier I get. I resent the demands because I resent the job and the coworker. The busier she gets the more she cries and complains and offends.

I flew to Houston Friday to attempt “our” family Christmas. It went badly. My brother’s family was in turmoil. My sister’s family was moving to their new home (YAY- First home! It’s beautiful and I love it. Good job kiddo!!). My mother was overwhelmed with children, worry and lack of sleep. (The final straw coming when she accidentally backed her car door into the carport post. Sometimes things happen that make everything too real. Thank god neither the door nor the post were badly damaged.)
We did try to be patient and we did try to find humor. (Canadians - inside joke.)
In the end, it got the better of all of us.

I did fix Netzero on my grandfather's PC. No one else knew how or was willing to take the time. It saddens me that no one will help him. He has so little to enjoy and our family acts like he's such a burden. It isn't fair. He's stuck here and he only has us. How dare we not take the time to make his life as enjoyable as possible.
I was pretty proud of getting that Netzero fixed - but even better than that, he and I spent a couple of hours just enjoying each other's company. He told stories of things he remembered and we laughted about our younger days. He gave me a great book, (Turn South at The Second Bridge by Leon Hale <-- that's for you Rupen). It was a time I will hold dear in my memory and hope to have again some day.

We had Christmas and collective-birthdays (the neice and both nephews were born in Jan & Feb) at my brother’s house on Sunday brunchtime. It was rushed because I had a 2:30pm airport arrival time. On the same note, everyone was glad of that because we were all exhausted. Overall it was quite depressing. It made me miss Dad even more.

This morning I am applying my “Better living through denial.” Motto. I will deny to myself that it was bad and remember things like; Nora’s crazy 1 legged floor scoot. Riley’s wonderful laugh. Andrew’s super-quick wit and artistic talents. Nora’s quirky little smile – so many facial expressions on that one…and she’s a THINKER. Ooooh she is planning! Riley is so very sweet and caring for a boy. He’s all boy but he sure loves deeply and obviously. He’s not a terribly manipulative child. He’s more about honesty. I hope he keeps those traits. Andrew wants so much for everyone to be proud of him. He minds very well and takes such good care of his little cousin, but he does have a hurricane of bottled-up-energy to release…and it’s LOUD energy. He seems to have the need to take care of the people around him. He sees things from other perspectives than his own. That’s pretty impressive for an 8yr old boy. Boys generally lack empathy. He’s a sweet kid. I hope his only escapes from the insanity of his surroundings are music and art. Never anything more addictive than that.

The Continental flight home was not without problems. Their track record is now something like 75% failure rate for me. This time there was a “broken indicator light” which prevented us from taking off. 2hrs later and we were on another plane headed home – finally. The evening was sullen and sad.
I’ll get the brakes fixed on my car and drive back down next month.

To look forward to:
1) I have brunch with my “best friend” on Saturday 1/19. She will drink too much and complain even more.
2) I have next Monday off.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

2008 Week One

Mine=fine - but noticably short tempered
His=The "cold" lingers on. He developed a cough 12-30-07 and went for antibiotics 1-4-08. He's been sick in one way or another since he quit smoking 18 months ago. It unnerves me terribly. I worry.

Highlights of the week:

I created a compilation video of the kid's Christmas. I shared it via PC this year. I taped it because it was Nora's first and because my sister couldn't find her camera. The compilation is here for the sake of memory:

Christmas 2008 Video

The Texas twangs are overwhelming. LOL

I bought my first Ipod! After years of denoucing them as "a ridiculous waste of money", I now cannot understand how I ever lived without one. I'm completely addicted. 4 gig= 600+ songs (no commercials), 2 videos and 4 games...and counting. AND it allows me to listen at work thus blocking out the cellmate and making the time pass more quickly. Ahhhhh - there is no substitute for music.

We adopted cat #3 in early November. It was someone's pet, escaped and lost. The hubby took to feeding it outside back in October and when the first freeze came in we had to act. Turns out the cat is fixed and, thanks to us, now has all of its shots. I considered trying to find the owners, knowing the heartace of that loss, however, the cat is solid black and the hubby feels it was sent by his own, now lost, kitty. How could I deprive the hubby or the cat of a life of guaranteed mutual admiration. Besides, I KNOW that cat will be overly-cared-for in our home. It's what we do.

Welcome home Shadow. You live with us now.
Princess Mishu is still pissed about it.

Going back to work after 5 days off was quite difficult. My internal conflict rages on. I still have no patience or empathy for my cellmate. I keep trying to hang on to Randy Pausch's words "If you don't like someone, just wait a while. They will almost always surprise you." The internal conflict is that while she isn't an entirely bad person, she is a sympathy whore. I lost patience for that type of person on August 11th, 2006. I feel I have good reason. I can't find it in myself to find patience with those who pity themselves publicly. This week she found out that her beloved pet is not long for this world. I, of all people, can empathize with that - but the sobbing at work (literal sobbing) angers me. (and she did it 4 times in one day within earshot of me - as if some kind of sick instant replay. Being around her is like watching a car crash over and over and over - only there's no curiosity, just disdain.) I didn't do that. I didn't even do that when I lost Dad.
I do not display my emotions publicly. I think that I believe it to be a sign of weakness.
The very fact that I have given it this much space only exemplifies my inability to come to terms with it. I suspect that I am jaded. I know, partly, that I am in the wrong to judge - and yet, I am powerless not to. It goes back to the wall that I've built these past two years. Empathizing would put a ding in that wall and I refuse to allow that. The wall stands strong. I will not feel, lest I be hurt myself.
There is an entire dissertation on that wall that I have been writing for a long time. It isn't complete. Maybe, if I ever let anyone through it, I will be able to complete it and move on. Maybe I will never let anyone through it again

On that note, I've had this bizarre longing to re-connect with people from my past. I suspect it has to do with the wall. There is some kind of comfort that I am seeking and not finding. In the past month I have located the Loftons, the Norreds and the Nerrens via the intenet. All people from High School or before. I said "hello" and some said "hello" back. It feels comforting but it also feels separate and temporary. Rejoining the blogosphere is a part of that desire as well.
I need something to hold on to.........but what? I know we can never go back again.

"and as I made my way back home
the snow turned into rain"

Same Old Lang Syne
Dan Fogelberg

Peace, love, and random acts of kindness to you all.