Saturday, August 18, 2007

Oldness, manic depressives and Steve Perry

I had an odd thought last night. We hide things from the elderly. "Don't tell grandma that you're sick. She'll only worry." "Don't tell grandad that the kids moved in together but didn't get married. He'll get upset." Why do we think they can't handle news? They've been through and seen much more than we have. Certainly they can manage. Do we get less able to deal when we get older? I can't imagine.
Life, in our middle age, is about what is going on. We keep up with the stories of family and neighbors. We are involved. These things keep us "in the loop". They keep us active. They make us care.
When people get older we start to cut them out of that loop "for their own good". Is it really for their own good? Doesn't it just isolate them not to be in the know? Maybe it's one of those things I'll understand when I'm older and start hiding things from Mom.

Manic Depressives
My co-worker, now referred to as "my cellmate", is manic depressive......or possibly an alcoholic. Or probably both. She spends most of the days in a deep blue funk which she pours over everyone around her. I'm trapped 5 feet from her so she blue funks all over me all day long, 40hrs a week. She throws things, slams things, sighs like a widow all day long. It's MISERABLE to be near her. HOWEVER, she did this one day last week for the first 4hrs of the day......then she went to lunch. When she returned from lunch she was GIDDY. Seriously giddy! She suddenly loved everyone. She loved her job and thought everyone was so "silly".
Uh-huh. I get it. Had a little drinkypoo at lunch did we?
Two hours later she was blue again. Yep. That alcohol wears off dammit.
She should spike her morning coffee.
I need a new job. And yes, I'm looking.

Steve Perry
About 3 yrs ago Dad called me up on the phone to tell me of a radio show in Houston. He said the hosts had a competition to name "The Voice of Rock and Roll". I don't recall who the contestants were but the final outcome of many phone calls was Steve Perry. He called to tell me this because he wholly agreed. I did too.
In all of 70's-80's Rock, that crystalline, chiming voice still holds as the icon of the era.
Long about Dad's birthday this year I couldn't get that thought out of my head. I knew that if Dad were still here, I would have bought him some Journey music. The hubby, being sweet and thoughtful that he is, bought for me the Time3 set. Some fifty-odd Journey songs in chronological order. They're playing in the background now.
I started Youtubing Journey and Steve Perry. There's a lot out there.
I ran across an interview with Steve Perry done many years after the "O' Sherrie" era. He hadn't put out an album in 7+ years but was coming out with a new one. He said, "Steve Perry had to stop to find out what was left standing after a very large circus ride." ... " I really didn't have a lot to say for 7 years. I had nothing to say. I was...dry..."An Interview with Steve Perry

I think that's where I have gone. I can relate to Mr. Perry on a couple of levels.
I have a voice inside my head that drove all the blog posts from 2004-2006. That voice is much more still these days. Part of the voice left with Dad. There was a part that lived to relate my world to him. I sought humor and irony to phone him and share that laughter. That ability is lost now with no outlet.
Secondly, my mental focus has been wrapped in other people for a year now. Who needs support? Who needs love? Who needs help? What can I do and for whom. The entirety of my internal world has been external. The ONLY times I have spun that voice inside, I have found not much but my own heartache and that seems selfish at best so I avoid it.

I avoid a lot these days honestly. I am, if you will, living in the moment. Isn't that what we are supposed to do? I do not worry the future for I have NO control there and I am VERY aware of that. I wish for nothing - I no longer believe in the power of wishing. I do not dwell on the past because I can't change it and I can barely face it. I am here. Now. No place else....and then "poof" I am off to the next thing.

*******Sidenote - Aug 11th was the anniversary of Jessica's death. I do not believe, Elvis, in celebrating the anniversary of deaths. Ridiculously painful act.
Regardless, her mother, with the help of some wonderful neighbors, set a mass of helium filled balloons to flight in her honor. Symbolic and lovely and well done.
August 28th is the date set for the trial of the young man who sold meth to Jess. that will be a stressful day. What is on the other side of that I don't know.

Finally, yesterday, August 17th, 2007 marked the beginning of the last month of 39ness for me. I will be 40 soon. Expect a blog of 40yr old quotes because I've been reading them. LOL

Hugs and love and kindness to each and every one of you and to every one you love through you.