2009-July & August

I'm still here....but so very busy these days. We have a new pet. Baby Sparrow is 23 days old now. It was 7 days when we found it. It had lost it's home to a storm. It's pretty amazing watching something that helpless learn and grow so quickly. Every day is a new experience. Everyone should go through this once.

Sophie Jo, our Momma Calico has breast cancer. We found it in May. She had 2 of 4 left breasts surgically removed. She has had 3 rounds of chemo. Now we have a new lump in the 3rd breast. It's small. I hope we get it this time.

Love to all of you who still hang around.

I can be found on Facebook most days. I'm listed as Agnes Mitchell. There probably isn't another Agnes Mitchell out there so feel free to look me up.

All the best, always.

Aggie

False Alarm

No worries - it was just another false alarm!

2009-5-21

It isn't fair to spend two years telling everyone you want to kill yourself and then expect them all to come running when you tell them you have cancer. It isn't fair and it isn't right. It's just confusing!

2008 MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wishing you all the Merriest of Christmases and a joyfilled New Year.

Love, Aggie

Home?

We closed on September 30th. My first HOUSE. My new home.

It wasn't easy. I learned a helluva lot. I took a lot of chances. I had moments of triumph and equal moments of fear.

Tomorrow we start moving in. NOW it is real. Now it is permanent. I am excited and hopeful. I have cold feet too.

Forever. That's not like me at all. I'm not great with forevers..... I'm not real trusting.

This one will last.

I dream of the garden I will plant. I dream of holiday decorations. I hope for the laughter of my family to fill the halls.

I hope this forever is grand.

I have to note, for rememberance sake, that we met and spent good time with the previous owners. They have lived there since the house was built. They are sweet, kind people who took amazing care of this house. I sincerely hope to maintain that legacy.

The Hammills told us of the life the house has lived. 34 years and counting. They said they sat on the back porch and looked out over fields and cows. There are no fields now. No cows for miles. House upon house and traffic around the houses...but I know the house had happiness. It was exciting for them when they purchased it - nearly the same ages as we are now. It is exciting for us too.

Hello House. Be good to us. Be home to us.

Aggie - 10/21/2008

IKE 9-13-08

Hang on to your shorts. This one's gonna get messy!

.....and it did. Luckily, our family faired quite well. (thank you God or angels or Dad or whomever was looking out for us.) Mom's house stayed sound, with the exception of the wiring being pulled from the back when a tree fell on the power lines. That'll not be a cheap fix because I'm pretty sure Dad rigged up most of that old wiring himself. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe the fix will be up to code.

My Grandad's house is sound as well.

My sister's house took no damage save for the wooden fence in the backyard. It needed replacing anyway.

As far as I know, my brother's house stood just fine.

Mom has no phones. Even the cell has no signal. Being industrious as she is, she got OnStar to hand over a few extra minutes so she could call us and check in. OnStar ROCKS!

Some good came of it. All of Mom's neighbors, knowing that Dad isn't around, came to help my Mom out. They brought wood. They boarded up her windows. They secured her house. WOW! That was pretty awesome.

Even the mailman offered to come by to walk around the house with her and make sure she was safe.

Amazing people. Amazing community.

She'll cook them all chocolate pies to make up for it. :) Mmmmm...can't beat Mom's chocolate pie!

For the thousands who lost their homes and lives down in Galveston and Clear Lake and Downtown, we ache for you. We know the loss. We've done it before.

We'll pray your worlds come back together as painlessly as possible. We'll pray you are blessed with the kindness of neighbors and strangers until the world makes sense again.

We got lucky again. Thanks Dad, for watching over us. Mom was plenty scared without you but we did ok.

That's enough wind and rain for one year. Let's get on with fall and leaves and holidays.

Love and blessings to each of you and to all of those you love.

Aggie

Septembers

Septembers. Our birthdays are in September. Why wouldn't it be my favorite month? It has always been the hope for new beginnings. It promises Fall, to end the summer heat. It offers new life as I put another year's mistakes behind me and "swear this year will be different". When I was young, it was the beginning of a new school year. A chance to reconnect with lost friends.....just as I'm doing now.

September promises.

It always has.

We've spent 6 months searching, toiling, learning, sufferring, hoping, losing, trying again.

We met the worlds worst realtor (I'll never forget you Ashley. You were a life-lesson if ever there was one!) and we've met a wonderful replacement. (Thank you Deanna...for taking our hands, bringing us hope and for being a friend.)

As today begins, we wait for word. This is #3. Three has ALWAYS been my lucky number. I sincerely hope it is now.

A silent prayer plays over in my mind. "Let them accept our offer. Let this not be a mistake. Let this be a new beginning...again."

Let me finally find a home. A HOME.

8-20-2008 A new post....

Dragonfly

I have things to say, updates to add, thoughts to share.....and I hope, soon, that I will.
May this little post find you safe and well and peaceful in your worlds. I am thinking of you...don't you doubt it. Every full moon and every fractal and every sketch and every bear or crow pic. You cross my mind with every new book, every photo of a child, every great new song to share.



Take good care.

Aggie

4-15-08 E-mail your suicide notes....it's more productive that way.

Last night we (15 or so "friends and family") received the obligitory, past tensed, letter of apology and gratitude from my best friend. She's not well....still.

It hurts, but it makes me angry for lack of trying. I know how easy it is to be consumed in sorrow, and she's justified....but it's just starting to feel a lot like blackmail. It's an addiction, you see. An addiction to self pity.

I learned that we instill this in our children. When they're very young, if they're not crying or fussing we enjoy our peace and just keep an eye on them in the background while they play. BUT...when they bump, fall, bang, hurt....we come on the run. Kids begin to associate pity with love. Some never learn the balance. In fact, some learn to be unhappy more often than anything else because the drama of their suffering brings consoling words and touches.
So - it becomes an addiction. The worse the pain, the more they solicit "love".
Why ever let go of the pain?

Sadly, I've begun to feel so used by this pattern, which I wholly admit I've enabled, that I want OUT. I resent the constant hysterical sobbing. It sucks the very life out of me. It brings me down.
I'm sorry - but I'm not a professional. Sigh.

Here's my current themesong. (I note, for my own record, that she sent her "whatever happens" e-mail to approximately 15 friends. I have ONE friend and it's her. I'm afraid of making new friends. I'm afraid of falling into that trap again. Besides, the one I've got takes eveything I have.)

Didn’t I hear you cry this morning?

Didn’t I feel you weep?

Teardrops flowin’ down on me

Like rivers in my sleep.

And in my dream of laughter

You came creepin’ with your fears

Tellin’ me your sorrow

In the tracings of your tears

That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...

When your sorrow is all I can see.

If you just wanna cry to somebody,

Don’t cry to me, no;

Don’t cry to me - no.

Didn’t I hear your voice this morning?

Didn’t you call my name?

I heard you whisper softly,

But the words were never plain.A

nd in your dream of darkness

I came shining like the sun.

Waiting for the laughter,

But the laughter never comes.

That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...

When your sorrow is all I can see.

If you just wanna cry to somebody,

Don’t cry to me, no;

Don’t cry to me - no.

Didn’t you feel alone this morning?

Didn’t you need a friend?

And in you darkest hour,

I came running back again.

That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...

When your sorrow is all I can see.

If you just wanna cry to somebody,

Don’t cry to me, no.

Don’t cry to me.

Don’t cry to me.

Don’t cry to me!

Don’t cry to me - yeah!

Do not pity. Love instead. Laugh often.

And watch and read everything Randy Pausch ever touched.

http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/news/index.html

4-10-08 - My first tornado

I woke up at 3:40 a.m. hearing wind and rain like I've never heard it. I got up to see what was happening and started hearing things banging into the west side of the building. I woke the hubby just when the power went out.

I looked out our bedroom at the west-facing window to see a green wall of water. It looked like being inside a car at an automatic car wash. It was lighted from behind and green. AAAAAAaaaaaa. My heart started to race!

I ran downstairs to check the damage and get us into the bathroom downstairs. The front door leaks when it rains and we had a pretty good puddle in the foyer. My hubby came down, quite bleary-eyed, and started mopping things up while I tried to get the cats into carriers.......a fruitless attempt. I don't think he was really awake or even grasped the gravity of the situation. He couldn't seem to understand why I wanted everyone in the bathroom. Fortunately, the winds started to ease up in about 5 minutes and I started to relax. We lit some candles and just sat in the dark.

He fell asleep on the couch in no time at all. My heart was still pounding. The power came back on so I checked the news to make sure it was over and then went back to bed for an hour.

This morning the news stations said it was an F1 tornado. 85mph winds.

I don't ever want to experience that again. It was NOT fun.

Weeks 9 thru 13 of 2008

Oy vey. Who says my memory is this good? I hope I can remember anything at all.
Here goes:

Week 9, 2008 (Feb 24-March 1)
Pneumonia! I woke up on in the middle of the night Sunday. I was freezing. I looked at the little thermometer and it was 73 degrees Fahrenheit. That's warm. I put an extra comforter over me and could not shake the chill. When I finally got up my temp was 103. I didn't go to work...I went to the doctor.
I missed the entire week of work. I slept downstairs on the couch for three days. I couldn't breathe enough to walk up the stairs. I didn't have the energy to read e-mails or talk on the phone. I was down for the count.
2008 has been a flu season like none I've ever seen. I don't know one single person who hasn't had this gunk yet. I've watched everyone at work take a turn. Our local newscasters have had it. Actors and even the American Idol contestants have been stricken. Is it germ warfare?? Who knows?

Week 10 (March 2-March 8)
The hubby flew home to North Carolina on the 4th. This was supposed to be the week I took vacation and got the spring cleaning done. Because I missed the previous week of work, that plan got squashed. I got nothing done. I ate badly. I rented movies and tried to enjoy the quiet. Mostly, I just missed him. He finally came home on the 11th.
His parents are doing ok. His dad has recovered enough from last year's bladder replacement surgery that they were able to take in a hockey game and go out a bit. That was lots of fun for my hubby. There are worries in his home. The parents aren't young and his grandmother's mind is starting to fail. (She's mid 90s or so). He sees that world changing and he's very worried. Me too - for him.

Week 11 (March 9- March 14)
A bland week, as far as I can remember - with one exception. Tuesday, March 11th, my husband took "a few" Flexaril. I think he took it because he has so much worry in his head. He's been prone to panic attacks and mid-life-crisis kind of issues since we lost my dad in '05. I guess that's too much reality for a man in his late 40s. I'm sorry for him and I wish I could help...but I don't know how at all.
Anyway, the Flexaril caused hallucinations. Worse yet, I didn't know he took them. I've never experienced the effects of them either.
It started when he came out of the bathroom and excitedly said "Where's Barry?" (his brother - who lives in NC and has never been in my house)
I looked at him like he was nuts. "What!"
"Oh, I was thinking of something else."
Then he started acting weird. He washed the dishes and said "What is that still doing there?" referring to the sponge drainer. He then dismantled the drainer.
He tried to fill a bag with kitty litter using the litter scoop - which, of course, has holes in it. I let him do that for a while.
He filled a glass with water, mixed dish soap in it and then went looking for the cat. "Heere Mishu Pishu. Where are you little kitty?" (Little kitty was having none of that and was hiding under a chair.
All the while his eyes were barely open. At first, I thought he was having a stroke. Then it dawned on me what he'd done. He couldn't tell me how many he'd taken and I probably should have taken him to the hospital but he was none to agreeable with my demands.
This insanity went on for about 4 hours before I could get him to go to sleep. He slept the entire next day. He does this again 10 days later and it will be the last time ever.

Week 12 (March 15-23)
Things are ok. Nothing out of the ordinary. His Mom is scheduling a biopsy on a shadow in her lung. (panic) His dad is waiting for a host of doctors to schedule the 9hr surgery to repair the unhealed and torn parts of the bladder replacement from last August. (scary)
The hubby and I (mostly I) are looking for a house. Not too seriously yet. More like "browsing" for a house.
Then it happens.
The hubby has Good Friday (March 21) off work. I go home for lunch and he's out running around. This is not abnormal.
There's a message on the machine. It's my husband. It's from 9:03 a.m.
He says, "Beeep. Beeeeep. Hi baby it's me. I'm at the store and I'm WAY confused. I don't know what the hell I'm looking for..."
That's odd...but not really concerning. I finish lunch and go back to work.
I call him when I get to work. He answers the phone but his words are slurred.
"Honey, where are you?"
"I'm at Best Buy."
"Are you ok? Your not talking right. Does your head hurt."
"I'm fine. I'm just confused." It comes out "I fii-iinuh. I'm dust con-cufust."
I PANIC.
"Ok, hon. I'm going to come up there. You shouldn't drive."
"I dint dribe. You brought me here."
"Ok. And I'm coming back to get you now so just stay there, ok?"
"SO YOU LEFT ME HERE!"
"Yes, but I'm coming back to get you so just don't leave."
click
He hung up on me.
I BOLT out of the office and I'm driving 60 in school zones praying to get to him before he drives home. He's been out of the house and hallucinating for 3 hrs now. In my mind, I see him driving through some big intersection on a red light and a diesel plowing over his little bitty KIA.
I call him on the way and he says, "Well I don know how it got here but I fount my car. I just going to drife home."
Oh GOD let me get to him before he does!
"NO. Just stay there. Your car doesn't work."
He's mad at me. "I'm not leaving my car here!! It works fine!!"
"Just stay there. Please. Just stay there."
We do this 4 times before I get there. He's so angry at me for leaving his car there. He goes home with me anyway.
We get home and he says he's going to walk back to Best Buy or take a cab. I'm afraid to leave him but I have to go back to work.
I call his brother and ask him to call our house and talk him out of leaving. His brother calls me back and says the phone is busy. I don't know if my husband is at home or aimlessly wandering the streets.
I leave work for the rest of the day. Crap! Bad day!
We have tickets to a hockey game that night. I finally get him to nap a while and then we get up, dress, go get his car (he's still stoned) and go to the game.
This stupid medicine hangs on him all night. Around 10 pm he looks right at me and says "My brother had a baby boy." (his brother does not have a baby boy)
He's cranky and says mean things to me and I finally have enough. I stop talking to him.
On the way home we get in an argument because he thinks I said I'm going to Wal-Mart but then I drive right by it. All of my frustration hits at once and I start yelling at the top of my lungs at him....about nothing.
I want this to be a miserable experience for him so he'll never do it again. At the same time, I'm hurt and angry and exhausted.
We get home around 11pm and I pack a bag and go stay in a hotel. It's a horrible night. I don't sleep and I cry a lot.
I get home the next day and he's asleep. He's awake for about two hours the entire day but we're not speaking.
The weekend is shot.
Sunday night he apologizes. I've already flushed every prescription he has in the whole house.
It won't happen again.
The thing is....I know why he did it. He's trying so hard to escape the worry and fear going on in his head. For the record, this is the wrong way to do it.

Week 14 (March 24-March 29)
Everything is back to normal. (a.k.a. status quo) I feel tired lately. Upstairs kitty gets bored about 3am and wakes us up to play. That's taking a toll. I'm looking forward to a new house so I can lock upstairs kitty out of the bedroom at night. Right now, there's just no other place unless he's downstairs fighting with Mishu. (Gawd - will they ever get along?)
I'm missing my family and want to see them soon.
I'm bored stiff at work and trying to keep in mind that I need to remain employed to buy a house. Priorities!!!!!!
Today, March 29th, is the first Saturday the hubby has worked in 3 weeks. It's 8:15 a.m. The house is peaceful for once.........so here I am. Trying to catch up.