Monday, March 21, 2016

Blogspot: The place I go to say things I don't feel comfortable saying on Facebook...because friends and family shouldn't know this much about me; ever. 

Once, a long time ago, far far away, there was a place. I went to this place as often as I could. All of the people in this place cheered for one another. Everyone said, "You can do it." and you did. And it was good. There were no fails. 

The place made me believe I could. I could lift 5 more lbs. I could run half a mile further. I could row another 5 minutes. I kept track. I achieved. If I could do THAT, I could - anything. 
I could.
I could save myself.
I DESERVED to save myself. I COULD. 

I did. 
But the place went away. The voices stilled. Some of the voices changed to other voices that still said, "You deserve." and "You can do." and "You are good.". For a while, I believed them. But the marks on my yardstick stopped moving forward. I wasn't lifting 5 more pounds or running a half mile. I was deteriorating. The cuff tore. I couldn't lift anymore. I was sidelined. 
I felt fail.
I drank to fill it up. 
I indulged in bad habits.
I ate badly. 
I hid - because that was easier than facing. I'm facing. But I don't have the voices. No, I do have them, I just no longer hear them. 
Catastrophizing. I've become.....learned behavior. Bad, learned behavior. 

Back there - at the top of this idiot dissertation - I said, "I DESERVED to save myself." 
Now I have to accept what I've done. What I'm doing. Who I've hurt.
What do I deserve now?

Saturday, June 06, 2015

You know how sometimes you have two conflicting thoughts in your head (eat the donut, don't eat the donut), and it feels like they are arguing with each other? Well, your identity (who you truly are), is neither one of those voices; you're the one watching the argument. Does that make sense? 
 ~ Timber Hawkeye

Sunday, May 31, 2015

A Man Falls Seven Times Before He Rises Up

5-31-15 Awoke early. Watched a bit of Joel Osteen; which I liked quite well. His sermon was about the "bumps in the road" being placed there to give us the opportunity to learn and grow. Decided that's true and it's high time I did. THAT was the point, after all. Did 45 minutes of Strength/Balance Yoga. Colored my hair. Showered. Dressed. Now cooking. Going to cook/chop/prepare for the week. Only meat and vegetables. Nothing unhealthy. Feeling ready to focus on myself. Feeling ready to draw too. Feeling like my heart is in it. 


Saturday, March 14, 2015

48 Things I Know for Sure
1. Fix yourself first.
2. Wisely choose who you spend your time with because they will influence you.
3. "When people show you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou
4. If the person you are in a relationship with is really into you, it won't be a mystery.
5. There's a difference between feeling better and getting better.
6. Always be reading a book you don't want to put down.
7. Continually work to reduce the things that irritate you. Scale down that irritation list.
8. If you have a job you dread, find another job and quit the one you dread. You should wake up with joy, not a knot in your stomach.
9. Every decision you make, no matter how small, shapes how you feel about yourself.
10. Don't do tension. Create a tension-free home. If your house is full of tension, your kids feel it too.
11. Life only stays the same if you do.
12. Live with the awareness that a single decision can change everything.
13. Your strengths are your guideposts to your purpose.
14. If you were taught that life is difficult and has to be endured, reject the notion. Life is about thriving.
15. Don't date someone you want to fix or rescue.
16. Don't get in a relationship with someone who doesn't show signs of empathy.
17. Ask yourself if you are in denial about anything. Then do what most won't do: Run toward it. Expose it to light. Fix it.
18. Decide what kind of life you want and then construct your life according to that vision.
19. Learn from the success of others so you don't waste time.
20. If you are in the right relationship, life improves. Period.
21. Be more interested in what other people have to say than what you have to say.
22. Marry your best friend.
23. Face the darkness, stare it down and own it.
24. You can learn something from everyone.
25. Don't be a victim.
26. Design your own day and fill it with lots of tiny things that make you happy.
27. Set boundaries with the people in your life.
28. Shatter your external mirrors. Don't let other people determine how you should feel about you.
29. Don't neglect your needs for the sake of other people.
30. Share your imperfections, it connects us to each other on a real level.
31. Don't try and fix your parents for what they did or didn't do. Just claim responsibility for fixing yourself.
32. You teach people how to treat you.
33. Do at least one thing every day you love.
34. Always be honest, it lightens your load.
35. If you are broken, you will choose someone who is broken.
36. Never emotionally react to something right after it happens. Think first.
37. Leave something unsaid every day.
38. What people say and do has a lot more to do with them than it does you.
39. If it has to be a secret, don't do it.
40. You are stronger than you think you are.
41. Smile and say Hello to strangers.
42. Never hold your fork with a fist. Basic manners speak volumes.
43. Learn how to comfort yourself.
44. Lots of problems could be solved if people just talked openly about things.
45. Anticipation is a big part of happiness. Plan things you can look forward to that will make you happy.
46. Living with gratitude is the pathway to joy.
47. "Nothing works until you do." Maya Angelou
48. You already know the answer.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Amazing the changes a year can bring. 
Amazing the sameness 20 years can be.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Find The Others....

"Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” - Timothy Leary

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Friday, August 16, 2013

She flew...and I'm so proud and happy. My heart soars with her. We are changing. We are growing. We are better than before.