Saturday, July 29, 2006


Wednesday, August 8th, 2005

"Hi Dad. I recorded this show and I want you to see it. I know you're going to love it. It's called Animusic. It's all this computer generated animation set to music. There's one with all these.....well balls. The balls hit cymbals and drums and stings to make the notes. It's so complex though. It's just incredible!
I'll put it on video and bring it down so we can watch it."

Click Here to See Animusic Show

We never got to watch it together.
I can't bring myself to delete it off of Tivo.

It's pretty incredible though, huh?

Monday, July 24, 2006

7-24-06 ticky tocky

What we were before we aren't now.
What we are now we won't be tomorrow.
The pendulum swings....ticky tocky, ticky tocky.

We could be anything...any minute.
Healed, hurt, hero, hemorraged.
Anything at all...and then something else entirely.

Do not try to follow along. It will only make you dizzy.


I opened my spam e-mail this morning and I found this:

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

...and I'm all "c'mere Ralph Waldo Emerson! I'm gonna kick yer arse til you fall and can't rise anymore." Apparently Ralphie-boy hasn't met the women in my family. Luck is not our strong suit lately. That "rising" thing isn't really working for us and the falling thing is getting way redundant. I wonder what made Ralphie so danged optimistic!

Oh wait, positive thoughts....happy thoughts... the way distant family will be stronger and better because of the bull-pucky we've been through this year. Yes. We will.
In the future.
Way distant.
Fast forward please.

7-24-2006 I've gone a little "Patsy Cline"

"It is not I who is crazy?
It is I who is MAD."

Ren Hoek

I do believe:
I've got toys in the attic.
I've got bats in the belfry.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
My elevator doesn't reach top floor.
I took a trip around the bend.
I'm dipping into the squirrel stash.
I'm nutty as a fruitcake.
I'm mad as a hatter.
I'm not playing with a full deck.
I've got a few screws loose.
I fell completely out of my tree.
I lost all my marbles.
I've started howling at the moon.
I have a straightjacket in every color.

I've cracked, bent, gone spacey, noodled out, twisted off and I am most definitely certifiably insane in the membrane.
I'm tripping billies.
I'm one taco shy of a combo plate.
I'm queer as a football bat.
I have gone all Patsy Cline and I don't think I'm coming back.

Welcome to Wackjob City; population: ME!

Yeah, that might be a little too "happy".

7-24-06 HAPPY!

That's it.
I've had it.
There will be only happy thoughts from now on.
There will be no death. There will be no divorce. There will be no betrayal. There will be no sadness or crying or broken dreams. No more.

Think of it as an experiment. Will happy thoughts actually bring happiness?
I don't know.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

7-23-06 Life part two

Is there EVER a time when life is normal, safe, boring, daily, consistent? Is there ever a time without grief? Is there, somehow, joy? Sustained joy? Is there sustained joy???

How often do we have to watch our dreams break and fall away? If the cycle is: hope, dream, lose, again and again, why do we still bother to hope or dream? What bizarre resiliance keeps us wanting to hope all over again?

When we marry, why do we believe in forever? It's rarely real.
When we give birth, why do we believe that love is unconditional. It isn't.
We hope for financial freedom. We plan for vacations. We pretend tomorrow isn't going to be a train wreck....but those trains wreck. They usually always wreck.

I don't understand anything anymore. This is a terrible ride and I want to take everyone I love to Disneyland and heal us all.
Why does it have to keep getting worse??

---Baby, I love you so much. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for the things you're suffering right now. I wish I could make it alright again. I wish I could just take all the pain away and make everything all better.


7-23-2006 Life

We fed the kitty. Then the kitty had kitties.
There's a gray one on the left. We're going to keep that one.

We found a neighbor who will keep the momma kitty and one baby and her sister will take two others. All kitties accounted for. :)

That's good.


Someone I love is sad and afraid because she thinks she might lose her marriage....and I don't know if that's true or not. I am sad for her. I want to make her(them) happy again. I hope time will fix this. I don't have a whole lot of faith in time healing things lately.

It's funny. When I was younger, I had all the answers. Now I don't have any.

I think I'll just look forward to a kitty and maybe everything else will work itself out.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

7-18-06 Evil Teenagers

See this kid? I met him about 10 yrs into the future. It is not a good thing.

Here's the story as it really happened:

Saturday, July 15th. The hubby's at work and I woke up early. It's the day after payday. My mood is....undecided.
I need some things at Target so I'm showered and dressed early. I head out about 8:30a.m. I do a little shopping. Nothing serious happens. Mood still...undecided.
I come home. It's warm outside but I'm thinking, "I should do something positive. I should put on some jogging clothes and go for a walk." I proceed to do so...except...

I step out on my back porch and I see....a heap of litter right down the hill. Grrrrr. I grab a trash bag and a latex glove from under the sink and I go get the heap of litter. It has been left at the "tee" of the frisbee golf course. Now, I have no beef with frisbee golfers. They're generally nice people. They're not rowdy and they're all pretty friendly.....but my mood is being decided.
There are garbage cans in this park, yet I have picked up 6 cups, a beer bottle and a half empty bag of chips. I think..."I'm not going to put up with this anymore." I take this bag of garbage and I put it SMACK into the frisbee golf goal at the end of the course.
...and a teenaged golfer sees me do it.
He rants some obscenities about "who the hell do I think I am" and I rail back "It's your garbage!!" We begin to curse one another. He puts the bag in the garbage can (because now it's in his way, see?) and I walk off. As I'm walking off he gets in the last word. He screams, "Go home you fat bitch."
I continue to walk away...although I would like very much to dig my fingernails into the skin of his forehead and RIP HIS FACE OFF.

But the problem isn't his. It's mine.
See..."bitch" I understand. "Fat" that screws with my head.
Here's this beautiful specimen of an 18yr old and I realize that I look, to him, like his fatassed mother. (Personally, I'd like to have a talk with his fatassed mother about respect for elders and raising her son with some decency.)

I'm not fat. I'm not buff though.
I'll give that I've taken in 6 months of comfort food but I've only gained 5lbs. And I quit smoking too. I don't think I'm doing so bad. But now I can't look at myself in a mirror without considering what he saw.

Suddenly, I want to be that 105lb teenager that I used to be. I'm afraid to eat. I'm living off of Special K cereal.
I HATE that I let that kid get inside my head. I really should have just smacked him and let that be the end of it.

Worse yet, he'll be back. I'll see him again. He'll see me again.
I suddenly want to join Tae Kwan Do so I can get all buff and then kick his butt.
Where's his mom? I know I could kick her butt.

Ick. This is an UGLY side of me.
Stupid teenager.

Happy Thursday-before-my-day-off. Tomorrow will be better.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Hour Glass in a Time Warp

Ok. So I've been pathetically moody and embarassingly antisocial. Please, please accept my apologies.
I truly do not understand the mood swings. They are from the highest high to the absolute lowest low. I cannot seem to stay in the middle ground. I've tried the anti-mood-swing happy-pills but they don't work either. I still have the swings.

I was told this will come in waves. That has got to be the most true statement ever least for me. I think I'm having undersea earthquakes followed by some serious tsunamis. (and I realize how not funny that is)

Ok. I'm on the upside now and I'm taking Friday off to just chill out. I think I'll go see a movie that day (Johnny Depp) and then just not think for a while. Thanks all for encouraging words and just for sticking around to listen to me whine. (gotta stop that)

Much love to each of you. I do hope you're doing well. I promise to visit the next time that time allows.

Oh...and tomorrow I'll tell you about bad teenagers. Evil, bad teenagers. Woohoo. ;)

Monday, July 17, 2006


"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all."

I think I hurt them all.
I think I only feel my own pain now.
I think I shut them out.
They couldn't help anyway.
I turned them all against me.
It wasn't entirely on purpose.
It was subconscous mostly - although -
I knew I was doing it.
And a part of me revels in the solitude...
rolls in the emptiness...
It is a self-pitying part of me.

It is my fault.
Why then, can I not feel regret?
Only apathy.
I have lost compassion
even for myself.
I lock the door behind me
and walk away into the darkness.
I don't look back.
I won't.
I think, "they'll forget me in time."
I was only a burden to them.

I could fix this.
I could try.
I don't know how though.
I'm shocked at how no one else
They just blame and anger.
I don't have the answers...
neither do they apparently.
I wonder, "where is their compassion."
And I realize, there never was.

I am alone of my own doing.
I am alone of their doing.
I am alone.

Friday, July 14, 2006


There it is. The light at the end of the tunnel.
Aaaalll aboard. Next stop...WEEKEND!


(PS Tree, that was another quickie. LOL)

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

7-11-06 Vinyl

We skipped the light fandango,
turned cart wheels cross the floor.
I was feeling kind of sea sick,
the crowd called out for more.
The moon was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away.
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray.

And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face at first just ghostly
turned a whiter shade of pale.

She said there is no reason
and the truth is plain to see,
that I wandered through my playing cards
would not let her be.
One of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might just have well been closed.

And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face at first just ghostly
turned a whiter shade of pale.
~Procol Harum~

Monday, July 10, 2006


“But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here.”

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here? ''
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." said the Cat.
"I don't much care where." said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go." said the Cat."

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then”

-Lewis Carroll
Alice in Wonderland

Friday, July 07, 2006



Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
-Mark Twain

Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box.
-Italian Proverb

Find out who you are and do it on purpose.
- Dolly Parton

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
- Groucho Marx

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead

Thursday, July 06, 2006


How cute is that? You just can't stand how cute that is, can you? I know. It's just TOO cute. But wait. I've got cuter.

That was some overwhelming cuteness, huh? You're going to need a nap from all that aren't you. It's ok. Go nap. I'll understand.

Aw heck, did it again, didn't I?

Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

7-5-06 Fireworks

I hope everyone had a happy 4th of July, whether you were in the States or not. I'm just going to post the details of ours for posterity.

Each year, since 1994, I subject the significant-other to the local fireworks shows. We go to Kaboom Town in Addison, TX on the night of July 3rd. The important thing here is to locate the perfect watching spot. That spot: is not too crowded, has an unobstructed view of fireworks, allows easy/quick access to escape the traffic after fireworks. That has been the Post Office, the parking garage roof and most recently, the Petsmart parking lot.

For the past 4 years, we have taken part in the Carrollton,TX watching party. It is a short walk from our house and happens on July 4th.

This year was marked by rain. Not much rain, just a lot of drizzle. The fireworks still went off but the crowd was a bit moist.
This is the first time in 12yrs that we've had to deal with rain. A true oddity considering how very dry our year has been.
Finally, it was a strange year for fireworks. Addison's show seemed to fade out. The patriotic music (simulcast on Jack FM) continued to play for 10 minutes after the fireworks stopped....and there was no "big honkin finale". They just stopped firing. The crowd had no idea what to do. Most just stood, staring into an empty sky.
I took the opportunity to beat the traffic.

Carrollton's was nearly as unusual. The broadcasted music was too quiet to hear. The show was nice but short and the finale, which is usually marked by a fountain of fireworks, was 5 consecutive pops. Ta-da. All done.

Now, I'm not complaining. I'm just marking the details of the event. The hubby insists that he's being tortured every year...but I day he'll look at fireworks and think of me. Maybe he already does.

Happy 5th of July. :)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

What dreams arise from the light within.

July 1, 2006

"It's time to return to childhood, return to innocence, return to purity, to non-judgemental joy. Adulthood is the imposter, the deceiver, the one that leads us away from our true nature. "
~Tree George~

The "gap" between what was and what is may very well be my inability to concieve that a "pure nature" exists. This implies that, regardless of any life circumstance, there is an un-jaded, un-altered, childlike joy inside each person.

I can grasp that I was once a young child who, much like my nephew, was unaware of the troubles of life. At some point there was constant curiosity and possibly unwavering optimism. I cannot imagine that that child lasted for long. I have memories of being two. In those memories, there are consequences. I am learning consequences. The stove is hot. Don't play with the glass things on the shelf. Don't talk to the scary neighbors.

What was pure? When was pure?

Back to the "gap". If a child existed, her world included a sense of security. The security was defined by her "place" in the unit. Her place shifted suddenly.
She stopped existing when the sense of security stopped. The adult took over.

The adult saw and heard and did (and did not do) things. The adult must come to terms with those things. The adult must now adjust to the life without the security.

And the gap widens, unless......
Unless what?
It is suggested that the adult reach out to the child.
I cannot connect to this child. If the child existed, she did so in a world that no longer exists. I cannot go back again.

I went back to a resort once to relive a wonderful memory. It was not the same at all.
I went back to our old house to revisit the past. I could not even get near the past.
My grandmother's house is now my grandfather's house. It is not the same.
My parents house is now my mother's house. It is not the same.
Our childhood house was washed away - down the river - in a flood. Now only stands weeds in a place where we all would play. "Being" does not exist there. We do not exist there.
We cannot go back. We can only go forward.
The child, if there ever was such a thing, is gone.

I am often enticed by the idea that, one day, long after humans, all of the plants will overgrow all we see now. It will all go back to earth. There seems to be a "rightness" about that.