Saturday, October 30, 2004


It all falls away.
And none of it's mine.
Crazy-raging into the night
Moving at the speed of traffic lights.
Thrilled by near-misses
and the fantasy
that any second could be the last.
One Second - unfinished
One second puts a whole new set of hopes on your plate.
One wink from you and I had dreams I never knew.
In the next wink, you didn't see the light change.
Now all my dreams are prayers.
One second changes everything.
Heavy clouds
Crashing years
(excerpt from Billy Could Have Been a Better Man)
Here we are today
just playin' at life
like we've got tomorrow
stashed away
I've got a first class ticket,
but the pilot's number came up.
Just another stroke
of rotten luck.
Paint the lies pretty colors.
A dry sound - the dry sound of a heartbreak
Freed - a soul is freed
Don't even know what I wanted to say
Something about how it all got away
and how youth
never sees the truth
Reality is for those much longer in tooth

I find myself longing for us we were at 26. I feel something lost in my soul. A spirit of freedom hiding under all this responsibility. Remember when we were free? Remember when we took the night on like life depended on it? Remember when we pushed every limit as far as we could? Ah...but we're older now. Settled. Consistent. Dependable. And I fear with every fiber of my being that I'll never feel it again.....and I think of them and I know the joy of life now is much they ache like I do? Like I ache for you?...for youth?

I have to find a way to LIVE again. This shell does not deserve to be called life. Get off the couch. Get away from TV. Get outside. Get a hobby. Get a dream...and move toward it........get busy living or get busy dying.

Don't tell me you really believe
all this "stuff" wins the game?
If that's what you think
then you and I are not the same.
There isn't a thing I'd keep.
I could throw it all away.
All I will ever need
is to hear you say you'll stay

10-30-04 Today begins my "memoirs".

All of my life I have considered the theological. This life, the next life, the meaning of life. I have read, learned, written.

Today I awoke with a new sense. The day is clear and sunny. My mind is peaceful and calm. I am happy. It seems I have accepted one theory above others. I can't explain it clearly except to say that it has a lot to do with giving and accepting. I feel as though I have found myself. I feel as though I like myself. I like who I am. I have not had the fortune of that feeling in many, many years.

A small example of this is demonstrated here: Yesterday I bought lunch at Subway. The checker asked if I wanted my "stamp" (the coupons one collects to achieve that tenth free sandwich). I do not use those stamps. Generally I just lose them. I took the stamp and asked the person next in line if she used them. She, quite excitedly, exclaimed "Yes" and so I handed it to her. Now, this is a small example but the point bares making. I realized that it made me a great deal happier to give that stamp away than to save it. And lucky me, I will have 10 moments of happiness for every free sandwich someone else gets. How great is that?! My payoff is so much better. Ahhhh...the joy of life is fully experienced when given away.

I also mentioned "accepting"...and here is my current illustration of that: I have accpeted a job that has cost me a few things. It has cost me autonomy, money, a title and a sense of having "earned" a position. I am struggling with my ego on occasion. I am mildly "bitten" when I realize that I am no longer looked up to...but down upon. (Sigh.) ........HOWEVER......I went into this venture seeking other things. Longevity, consistency, free-time. I have attained a great deal more. I work in an environment that is quiet, friendly, respectful. I work in a place where I can watch planes and helicopters fly over during breaks and lunch. I work close enough to come home for lunch. The drive to and from is easy, quick and also peaceful. The job will never wake me up at night. It will not intrude on my own life and I feel freed by that fact. For these things, I can accept the losses. I am better for it.

I heard the lyrics of a song yesterday. The song fit my past said "I moved to the highest floor by working every day, but I can't remember anymore, what it was like to play. If I could only find the exit door, I'd run away. I'm so far in, I can't get out." Those lyrics no longer fit. They are alien....and I thought....I have time to play now! And I realized that my freetime is spent in front of the television set. ARGH! I must play. I must learn how to play...what to play. Last night I had a strange epiphany. It seems to me that "play" should have something to do with art. I'm going back. I am coming back. My soul is going home. That is where the peace resides. I am so very peaceful now. matter what happens next....I am ready to experience it. Good and bad....just to experience.

Another note: I am adding a post here called "My Spiral Notebook". It will be updated with those creative thoughts that come to me. It will be the place to compile for later creativity. It will be a blessing.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

10-7-2004 - The World Has Moved On

It's been a while. A long while. The update here will be odd. We'll see how it goes.

Last post 7-25-04**********
-He got Shingles (miserable, LONG ailment)
-We were both out of work. He was fired in a heinous act of vengeance by a stupid child coworker. I was laid off when my previous employer lost a contract
-He went to Portland for a family reunion
-I went to Houston to visit family as well

New post 10-7-04*************
He and I got along amazingly well when we were both unemployed. This stemmed from our being in the same sinking boat. A mutual empathy, I suppose. It also helped that the money wasn't as tight as I had feared. Also, I kept us both believing it would all work out and I kept reminding him (and myself) that we weren't in a "suffering" state financially. Anyway, the bond felt much closer than it ever has. I reveled in it...'s fading now back to resentment on his part. Possibly on mine too. I'm sad about that.

He found work at a nice company on August 25th. He doesn't really care for the work. The hours are 50/wk, including 5hrs on Saturday. It pays $7000 more than his last job and he has finally achieved the $30,000/yr mark. He's happy about that and he's trying to tolerate it well. As of this date, I see him falling into old habits. He has fixated on a source of discord at his new job. I guess there has to be one in every situation. I wish he could separate work from home though. I wish he would leave the day at the doorstep when he leaves the job. I have learned to keep the two apart. I wish he would.

We also had a bit of confusion with TWC and Manpower Temporaries. MP claimed he "quit" but their dates and information was wrong...and he didn't quit. It's a long story. The short version is: TWC told him that we would have to pay back $1400.00. We contested it. We had a hearing via phone (stress stress stress) and we WON. This felt like the beginning of good news. On the same day, I got a call back regarding an interview. I got the job. I really like my future supervisor. I think I will be happy. (prayers)

I start on 10-18-04. It is the job I wanted. In my downtime, I raked myself over the coals pretty badly. The problem as I see it, is that I don't want to do what I've been doing for 10yrs. My "friends" didn't come through for me....maybe I never came through for them. Some tried - best friend, best friend's father, my aunt. The rest of my network was a complete letdown. My heart broke. I found a rock bottom. I decided it had to be on my terms this time anyway. I forgave them. Those people have busy lives and assume I am talented enough to handle myself. I'm not a child, after all.

I decided I would start a new career. I decided my strength is my ability to communicate over the phone and my ability to provide "customer service". It is the essence of my success in all past jobs. It is the one thing I "enjoy". I started seeking Customer Service Representative positions. I wanted one in a food manufacturing situation since I am familiar with it from the past two employments (DP and Mstar). I know I have a good grasp of that world. I also determined that a position like this would allow me to avoid the "on-call" situation. I really must get rid of that. It's an intrusion.

Finally, and not at all least importantly, I want longevity. I want to work somewhere that won't die from the loss of a contract. I want to work in one place until I retire. I want to be one of those people who says "I've been working there for 20 years." I don't even care anymore if I do it in the same position. I just DO NOT want to be in THIS boat again....much less every two freaking years. I can't stand the insecurity.

The downside to this? -$17,000/year. I knew the cut I would take. I knew it going in. I hope we can survive. I hope I can teach my husband that he has to take on more of our financial life. That will be very hard. He feels like he's getting ahead for the first time in his life. I have to toss the wrench into that. The idea makes me sad.

Last thing: Sometime in July I developed a lump just above my right jawbone. We didn't have insurance. I knew I couldn't have it checked out. No way to afford that. Two weeks ago "our" insurance went into affect. PHCS via my husband's job. $600 deductible. (now that I write that figure, it doesn't seem so bad) Today I will go to the doctor. I am scared to death. Worse yet, I start work on 10-18.....10 days from now. THIS is the timetable I have to deal with the problem...whatever it is. I will not have sick time until February. I will not be able to use my insurance at my new job for this. Pre-existing. not let this shoe drop. Let it be a simple, easy, common ailment. Please God. Please.

Today I am sad. From the fear I am sure. I haven't been sad in a long while...just so you know. These past months haven't been awful. Part of me dreads their ending. Cross fingers and toes and legs and arms and eyes. Pray. Pray hard that it all works out. Pray that I have another summer to enjoy.....and I will stand in a warm rain in July and let the water soak my skin and wash away all the pain of the past.