All of my life I have considered the theological. This life, the next life, the meaning of life. I have read, learned, written.
Today I awoke with a new sense. The day is clear and sunny. My mind is peaceful and calm. I am happy. It seems I have accepted one theory above others. I can't explain it clearly except to say that it has a lot to do with giving and accepting. I feel as though I have found myself. I feel as though I like myself. I like who I am. I have not had the fortune of that feeling in many, many years.
A small example of this is demonstrated here: Yesterday I bought lunch at Subway. The checker asked if I wanted my "stamp" (the coupons one collects to achieve that tenth free sandwich). I do not use those stamps. Generally I just lose them. I took the stamp and asked the person next in line if she used them. She, quite excitedly, exclaimed "Yes" and so I handed it to her. Now, this is a small example but the point bares making. I realized that it made me a great deal happier to give that stamp away than to save it. And lucky me, I will have 10 moments of happiness for every free sandwich someone else gets. How great is that?! My payoff is so much better. Ahhhh...the joy of life is fully experienced when given away.
I also mentioned "accepting"...and here is my current illustration of that: I have accpeted a job that has cost me a few things. It has cost me autonomy, money, a title and a sense of having "earned" a position. I am struggling with my ego on occasion. I am mildly "bitten" when I realize that I am no longer looked up to...but down upon. (Sigh.) ........HOWEVER......I went into this venture seeking other things. Longevity, consistency, free-time. I have attained a great deal more. I work in an environment that is quiet, friendly, respectful. I work in a place where I can watch planes and helicopters fly over during breaks and lunch. I work close enough to come home for lunch. The drive to and from is easy, quick and also peaceful. The job will never wake me up at night. It will not intrude on my own life and I feel freed by that fact. For these things, I can accept the losses. I am better for it.
I heard the lyrics of a song yesterday. The song fit my past life...it said "I moved to the highest floor by working every day, but I can't remember anymore, what it was like to play. If I could only find the exit door, I'd run away. I'm so far in, I can't get out." Those lyrics no longer fit. They are alien....and I thought....I have time to play now! And I realized that my freetime is spent in front of the television set. ARGH! I must play. I must learn how to play...what to play. Last night I had a strange epiphany. It seems to me that "play" should have something to do with art. I'm going back. I am coming back. My soul is going home. That is where the peace resides. I am so very peaceful now. Ahhhhhhhh..........no matter what happens next....I am ready to experience it. Good and bad....just to experience.
Another note: I am adding a post here called "My Spiral Notebook". It will be updated with those creative thoughts that come to me. It will be the place to compile for later creativity. It will be a blessing.
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