Sunday, August 20, 2006

Reasons to Live

The summertime smell of freshly mowed grass.

The scent of rain blowing in on the wind.

The velvet softness of a baby's scalp.

The hush of the year's first snowfall.

The overjoyed smile of someone you haven't seen in a long time.

Mom's chocolate pie.

An inside joke with someone you love that makes you both laugh out loud every time you say it.

Quiet candle light time when the power's out.

The middle of a good book with a page-turner plot.

Sharing secrets with someone who gets you.

Misty sunrise on a lake in the fall.

Great Blue Herons in flight.

Baby birds just learning to fly but still squeaking for Mom.

Brand new kittens/puppies and great old pets.

A tearjerker movie with a happy ending.

A compliment from a complete stranger.

The way that baby wraps you around his/her finger just by smiling.

Christmas decorations and the smell of pine.

These are things I want to see, smell, hear, feel again in this life. These are reasons to live.
Please add to the list with reckless abandon.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

8-13-06 The End

How to start? More importantly, how to stop.

When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.

First, I am not in a bad place the moment. I'm actually doing quite well lately. I think we (my family and I) are turning a corner of acceptance. Mom's doing ok. My sister's doing ok. Today is ok. I feel balance returning.


There's always a "but" isn't there?

Back on March 13th I told the story of my best friend and her daughter. The daughter had come to that typical impass of child/adult growing. The one where she rebels against everything in an attempt to become an independent...a grown up. The one where Mom and daughter butt heads in the extreme.
Most every girl goes through this with her Mother at some point. I did anyway.
For those two, it didn't go well. They have since been on the way to recovering.

...Tomorrow, August 14th, I will see my best friend for the first time since my father's funeral. I will see her at her daughter's funeral.
Jess's self-pity led to drug use. Drug use took her life Friday night.

I absolutely ache for the pain her mother is about to experience. (shock is the current emotion)
I ache because I know.
I hate that she and I now have this in common.

...Jess has lived a great deal of her life in a state of self-pity. A trait she learned from her mother.
I have been separating myself from them emotionally due to my own situation. For the first time in 12yrs, I stepped away to let them find their own ground.

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

I shouldn't have stepped back. I should have jumped in with both feet and forced that kid to love us back. My father would have locked me in a room until I accepted that he was doing it out of love.
Instead, I let her go. We all let her go.
I am wiser now.
Too late again.

Peace and love to all of you. Who is the person you're at odds with that you wish you weren't? Undo that. Undo it today. Be the one to give in first. Just say "I love you." and let it get better. Make it better.
Tomorrow is too late.

PS - My posts will be limited. They've been barely here for a while now anyway.
I feel it is absolutely wrong for me to dump so much negative emotional trauma on a group of kind friends and strangers. That's no way for me to better the world. I cannot justify smudging it in this ugliness. SO - I will post happy, good things when I find them. Don't think I'm not happy if I'm not posting...I just haven't had time is all. I'm working very hard to find peace. When I do, I promise to share it. :)

Love love love to each of you.
Thank you for kindness and tolerance and 10pm moon viewing. ;)

Monday, August 07, 2006

August 7th, 2006

Yes, the song's still playing...and this piccie works just fine with that. :D

Happy Monday...and week...
....until I get back here...HUGS!