Wednesday, April 16, 2008

4-15-08 E-mail your suicide notes....it's more productive that way.

Last night we (15 or so "friends and family") received the obligitory, past tensed, letter of apology and gratitude from my best friend. She's not well....still.

It hurts, but it makes me angry for lack of trying. I know how easy it is to be consumed in sorrow, and she's justified....but it's just starting to feel a lot like blackmail. It's an addiction, you see. An addiction to self pity.

I learned that we instill this in our children. When they're very young, if they're not crying or fussing we enjoy our peace and just keep an eye on them in the background while they play. BUT...when they bump, fall, bang, hurt....we come on the run. Kids begin to associate pity with love. Some never learn the balance. In fact, some learn to be unhappy more often than anything else because the drama of their suffering brings consoling words and touches.
So - it becomes an addiction. The worse the pain, the more they solicit "love".
Why ever let go of the pain?

Sadly, I've begun to feel so used by this pattern, which I wholly admit I've enabled, that I want OUT. I resent the constant hysterical sobbing. It sucks the very life out of me. It brings me down.
I'm sorry - but I'm not a professional. Sigh.

Here's my current themesong. (I note, for my own record, that she sent her "whatever happens" e-mail to approximately 15 friends. I have ONE friend and it's her. I'm afraid of making new friends. I'm afraid of falling into that trap again. Besides, the one I've got takes eveything I have.)

Didn’t I hear you cry this morning?
Didn’t I feel you weep?
Teardrops flowin’ down on me
Like rivers in my sleep.
And in my dream of laughter
You came creepin’ with your fears
Tellin’ me your sorrow
In the tracings of your tears
That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...
When your sorrow is all I can see.
If you just wanna cry to somebody,
Don’t cry to me, no;
Don’t cry to me - no.
Didn’t I hear your voice this morning?
Didn’t you call my name?
I heard you whisper softly,
But the words were never plain.A
nd in your dream of darkness
I came shining like the sun.
Waiting for the laughter,
But the laughter never comes.
That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...
When your sorrow is all I can see.
If you just wanna cry to somebody,
Don’t cry to me, no;
Don’t cry to me - no.
Didn’t you feel alone this morning?
Didn’t you need a friend?
And in you darkest hour,
I came running back again.
That’s a strange way to tell me you love me...
When your sorrow is all I can see.
If you just wanna cry to somebody,
Don’t cry to me, no.
Don’t cry to me.
Don’t cry to me.
Don’t cry to me!
Don’t cry to me - yeah!
Do not pity. Love instead. Laugh often.
And watch and read everything Randy Pausch ever touched.

4-10-08 - My first tornado


I woke up at 3:40 a.m. hearing wind and rain like I've never heard it. I got up to see what was happening and started hearing things banging into the west side of the building. I woke the hubby just when the power went out.

I looked out our bedroom at the west-facing window to see a green wall of water. It looked like being inside a car at an automatic car wash. It was lighted from behind and green. AAAAAAaaaaaa. My heart started to race!


I ran downstairs to check the damage and get us into the bathroom downstairs. The front door leaks when it rains and we had a pretty good puddle in the foyer. My hubby came down, quite bleary-eyed, and started mopping things up while I tried to get the cats into carriers.......a fruitless attempt. I don't think he was really awake or even grasped the gravity of the situation. He couldn't seem to understand why I wanted everyone in the bathroom. Fortunately, the winds started to ease up in about 5 minutes and I started to relax. We lit some candles and just sat in the dark.


He fell asleep on the couch in no time at all. My heart was still pounding. The power came back on so I checked the news to make sure it was over and then went back to bed for an hour.
This morning the news stations said it was an F1 tornado. 85mph winds.

I don't ever want to experience that again. It was NOT fun.