Wednesday, August 31, 2005

8-31-05 Far Reaching Implications

Please know that I value human life above all other issues here. However, I worked in transportation for 12 years and I cannot ignore the impact this is already having.
All of the residents of Southern Louisiana are without work. Nationwide, truckers will begin to lose their livelihoods as well. A lot of these people are long-time friends who work very hard to get by.
Manufacturers will recoup their losses from consumers.
The whirling winds have not stopped.

"We are receiving multiple reports of diesel shortage in the south east due to the hurricane. Truck stops are reporting they are out of diesel or limiting purchases to 50 gallons. This has the potential to create late deliveries and inconsistent transit times until the supply of fuel meets demand. The effects of this shortage in other regions is not known yet - but expected to expand as the supply runs out in the south east. "

Deisel Fuel Market Report

Here are some locations and the status of the fuel as of 9:00 AM today:

-NASHVILLE, TN: I-24, JAMES ROBERTSON PKWY @ EXIT 48. ACCESS LOC # 5041. OUT OF FUEL.
-ANTIOCH, TN: I-24 @ EXIT 62. ACCESS LOC# 768. OUT OF FUEL.
-FRANKLIN, TN: I-65 @ EXIT 61. ACCESS LOC# 706. OUT OF FUEL.
-HURRICANE, WV: I-64 @ EXIT 39. ACCESS LOC# 198. OUT OF FUEL.
-ASHLAND, VA: I-95 & RT54 @ EXIT 92. ACCESS LOC# 5045. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-RICHMOND, VA: I-95 @ EXIT 89. ACCESS LOC# 210. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-ROANOKE, VA: I-81 & US 220 @ EXIT 150. ACCESS LOC# 5046. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-WYTHEVILLE,VA: I-77, EXIT 41. ACCESS LOC# 217. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-SPARTANBURG, SC: I-85 & SR290 @ EXIT 63. ACCESS LOC# 5039. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-ATLANTA, GA: I-285E, EXIT 53, HWY 160. ACCESS LOC # 5010. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MADISON, GA: I-20 & US 441 @ EXIT 114. ACCESS LOC # 676. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MERIDIAN, MS: I-20 & I-59 @ EXIT 160. ACCESS LOC # 756. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MATTHEWS, MO: I-55 & HIGHWAY 80 @ EXIT 58. ACCESS LOC # 701. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-CARTERSVILLE, GA: I-75 @ EXIT 296. ACCESS LOC # 5071. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-CORDELE, GA: I-75 @ EXIT 97. ACCESS LOC # 5080. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-COMMERCE, GA: I-85 & US 441 @ EXIT 149. ACCESS LOC # 677. 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION
-MANNING, SC: I-95 & SR 261 @ EXIT 119. ACCESS LOC # 213. LOW ON FUEL 50 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-WHITESTOWN, IN: I-65 STATE ROAD 334 @ EXIT 130. ACCESS LOC # 306. 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-EDINBURG, TX: 8301 NORTH HIGHWAY 281. ACCESS LOC # 5085. LOW ON FUEL 100 GALLON ALLOCATION PER TRANSACTION.
-MOBILE, AL: I-10 @ EXIT 4. ACCESS LOC # 778. LOCATION OUT OF SERVICE DUE TO KATRINA.
-SLIDELL, LA: I-10 @ EXIT 266. ACCESS LOC # 725. LOCATION OUT OF SERVICE DUE TO KATRINA.

8-31-05 Zebra

We are all human. This disaster knows no prejudice.

I got this in an e-mail today from a local promoter of the band Zebra. I feel it only right to spread his message.
Lead singer, Randy Jackson's call to arms:

************************************************
For those who may be wondering, I heard from Randy this morning. He said Guy and his girlfriend Barbara are in Texas.

Jim McGinnis (BIGJ), Zebra's booking agent, and his wife Pam have not been heard from yet. Also, Felix has a longtime boyhood friend, Danny, and his wife Debbie they have not heard from as well.

Recent message from Randy:

ZEBRA FRIENDS,

THE COUNTRY NEEDS TO MOVE IN NOW. THE WHOLE COUNTRY. RED TAPE OR ANY
OTHER BUSINESS WON'T BE AN EXCUSE AFTER THE NEXT 48 HOURS IS OVER.
CALL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. TELL THEM TO CALL EVERYONE THEY KNOW. GET
EVERY HELICOPTER TO FLY BOATS TO RESCUE PEOPLE TIME IS RUNNING OUT.
THIS IS NOT A MOVIE. STOP WATCHING TV AND TAKE ACTION. TIME IS RUNNING
OUT AND I GUARANTEE THEY CAN'T FIX THE LEVEES IN TIME. WE CAN ONLY TRY
TO SAVE AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.
ANY LESS ELSE IS UNFORGIVABLE.

I'M ALSO ASKING EVERYONE WHO READS THIS TO DONATE MONEY TODAY TO THE
RED CROSS, NOT TOMORROW - TODAY. $100.00 WOULD BE NICE. A MILLION
DOLLARS WOULD BE BETTER. THIS IS GONNA TAKE BILLIONS AND BILLIONS.
IF YOU CAN'T DONATE JUST CALL AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND TELL THEM
THAT THERE IS A MADMAN IN A ROCKBAND WHO IS SCREAMING FOR HELP. THE
WATER IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY.

I SUGGEST THE RED CROSS
http://www.redcross.org

or 1-800-HELP-NOW
1-800-435-7669

PLEASE CALL OR EMAIL EVERYONE YOU CAN !!!

I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON YOU!

RANDY JACKSON
******************************************************

8-31-05 Naming

While reading a book on creative writing I ran across the following exercise. I found it an interesting thing to ponder:
My real name is:
Yesterday my name was:
Tomorrow my name will be:
In my dreams my name is:

The idea is to come up with creative ways to "name" yourself.
My current solution to the above:

My real name is: "Always Learning Child"
Yesterday my name was: "Confused Meloncholy Broken Fairy"
Tomorrow my name will be: "Giving Back Warrior"
In my dreams my name is: "Content Aged Artist"

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

8-30-05 Human Kindness is Overflowing




I am always impressed by the coming together of humanity and charity at times like these.
My "favorite" is Feed the Children who's owner, Larry Jones, I have worked with personally in my past. He is a man who "gets it".

Here are a number of other groups helping out:
Network for Good
2The Advocate
Kodiak-Terra USA, Inc
Nascar Anheuser-Busch Donates Water


And please don't forget the flood of homeless pets being evacuated to Houston via the Humane Society.
Humane Society

8-29-05


Photos from the storm

Monday, August 29, 2005

8-29-05 Katrina cont'd

When all the dark clouds roll away

And the sun begins to shine

I see my freedom from across the way

And it comes right in on time

Well it shines so bright

and it gives so much light

And it comes from the sky above

Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me

And lights my life with love

And it seems like and it feels like

And it seems like yes it feels like

A brand new day, yeah

A brand new day oh

Still praying

8-29-05 THIS will require a Pop Tart

It is 12:58a.m. Monday morning. Insomnia strikes with a wicked, taunting voice. "Not tonight dearie. No sleep for you." I toss. I turn. Out of sheer sympathy I drag myself out of my fresh, clean Sunday night sheets. My restlessness cannot keep my dear husband from his much needed slumber.

Down the stairs I creep. I tiptoe across the cold kitchen tiles. I must get my hands on the antidote. I open the cabinet and I reach for the sweet kryptonite. The one thing that can keep this beast at bay:



(He looks frightened, doesn't he? He should. He never had a chance. Bwwahahahaha)

Sunday, August 28, 2005

8-28-05 spam

Sorry about the word verification on posts. When I got one from something called "circlejerkoff" that pretty much ended the spamming for me.
Also, if it works, I think the comments will be in a popup window. Not real sure about that one.

8-28-05 Katrina



Hang on Gulf Coast, this could get ugly.
Click the pic to see an amazing "close up" of New Orleans.

8-28-05 DANCIN



Stare at it for about a minute. You will feel the need to move playing in your muscles.
I find it goes well with Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight". :)

8-28-05 Brain Spam

Brain Spam
Please go read this very long, very tragic, and very amusing post about Sears' Customer Service.
Halfway through you will find yourself completely amazed at Cat's incredible patience. What a test for any human being.

Tell me Trée, does the "do no harm" principle apply to corporate infrastructure as well? If so, I lose. lol I'm still working on "when sleeping, sleep."

Saturday, August 27, 2005

8-20-05 The Kiss



I've learned a very odd thing about Rodin's sculpture The Kiss; to search it on the net, one will find it only from this perspective. Isn't that odd? It is a 3-dimensional sculpture. I've seen it.
Anyway, The Kiss is by far one of my favorites and it conveys my mood-at-the-moment.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

8-25-05 You can only hide for so long....

So much for anonymity. Did you know we're all searchable?

My Blogshare Info

Check it out...in case you're on there too. Interesting stuff.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

8-24-05 Pensive

1. Deeply, often wistfully or dreamily thoughtful. 2. Suggestive or expressive of melancholy thoughtfulness.

What a difference a day can make.
Previously I alluded to a time when I gave freely what I had to give. Yesterday I was on the receiving end of that. Karmic return, I suppose...and not one iota less than grateful for it.

This receiving has run me through a gamut of emotions though. How odd.
Excessively thankful, somewhat deserving, wholly liberating, fearful, concerned, and now melancholy.
I feel like a child let loose in a toystore and told to choose only one toy. I took great time in deciding just the right toy. Now that I have the toy home, I want more...or I feel I chose the wrong toy.
It's all very odd.

It matters not a whit. I was thought of. I was cared for. I was befriended. I was validated.
These things are far more important than my silly moodswings.
Maybe I'll find the right toy to mark the occasion. Something that will last and forever remind me that, for a moment, I felt worthy.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

8-23-05 The Meaning of Life

I return to this often. The words of a modern-day poet.

"The meaning of life is the feeling you get when you tap into the infinite flow of love: when you give yourself, heart & soul to someone else: when you sit and watch your kids open Christmas presents: when you hug your Mom on Mother's Day, and play catch in the backyard with your Dad on Father's Day: when you hold a newborn baby in your arms and smell it's sweet scalp, and it coos and gurgles at you, laughing without teeth: when you sit beside your teenaged daughter in the front seat, teaching her how to drive. The meaning of life becomes apparent when you get the opportunity to sincerely say "I'm sorry", and the apology is genuinely accepted. The meaning of life is the thing that makes you feel golden when you do something charitable, when you do something selfless purely on an ethical principle, when you live by the Golden Rule and it manages to Rule The World for a sweet moment.
The meaning of life is when you stand on a hilltop and you can hear a symphony, even though there's no music. The meaning of life is what you feel in your bones when you know you're hearing truth, or experiencing justice. The meaning of life is found in a steaming hot cup of tea when you really, really need it. The meaning of life is found when you open your tool box and can lay your mitts on EXACTLY the right tool for the job at hand. The meaning of life is in the morning dew on the grass, and written in the stars across the heavens. It's written in the clouds that stretch beyond the horizon, in the current of the river, in the gravity we all occasionally defy, and the wind that fills our sails. The meaning of life flows between us when we can put out trust in one another: it sings in our blood when we can take someone in our arms who we love more than life itself, look them in the eye, and have the chance to say, "I love you" - and hear them say "I love you too"."

~Rik Emmett~

Monday, August 22, 2005

8-22-05 You'd think I'd be used to it.



I grew up in Texas. Worse than that, I grew up in HOUSTON. As a kid, we ran around in jeans all summer long. We weren't allowed to wear shorts to school. We never gave it a thought. The heat never even slowed us down.

You would think I'd be used to it by now.
Heat! I think our tolerance for it grows much shorter as we get older.
I slept not one wink last night because the bedroom just wouldn't cool down.

J, hon....don't move here. It's harsh in August.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

8-20-05 Finally......



I have not drawn anything of any real substance for more than 10 years. Today my muse nailed me with a sledgehammer. It was beautiful.

I do not know the name of the model. I am naming this drawing "Karen" to forever remind me of the kindness of strangers, stories of starfish, the land of bloggers and this sublime Saturday.

"Smiles are free on Saturdays." I love that!

8-20-05 It's all good...

It's a beautiful day. The coffee's warm, the house is clean and all of my artistic notions are tugging at me. it is Saturday. I have no responsiblities. Today is a good day. I intend to revel in it entirely.

The Book of Questions #161
"If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress?"

Friday, August 19, 2005

8-19-05 Name That Tune

Today's mood?

Name That Tune :)

"Wish upon, wish upon, day upon day, I believe oh lord
I believe all the way"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

8-18-05 Quotes and Meditations

Hahaha! Apropos reading materials today.

Today's Quote
"Reputation is character minus what you’ve been caught doing."
-Michael Iapoce



And today's Meditation:
(From "365 Buddha: Daily Meditations")

"Trivial thoughts, insignificant thoughts,
When followed they distract the mind.
Not understanding those thoughts
The roaming mind runs back and forth.
But by understanding those thoughts
One ardent and mindful restrains the mind.
An awakened one has overcome them completely
So they do not arise to distract the mind."
-Udana

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

8-17-05 The mood of the day

It is 6:45a.m.
I have no mood yet. The day has yet to form. The happenings of this first hour can make or break the day for me.

I am seeking something inspirational. I am working to find a good frame of mind.
I am trying to leave yesterday's embarrassing moment behind.
It is right to wake up with hope.
I hope today is a good day.

***The Buddha was invited by a Brahman to have a meal in his house. But when he arrived, the Brahman greeted him strangely, with a torrent of abuse.

Politely, the Buddha asked, “Do visitors come to your home, good Brahman?”
“Yes.”
“What preparations do you make for them?”
“We get ready a great feast.”
”What happens if they don’t arrive?”
“Then we gladly eat it ourselves.”

“Well, Brahman, you’ve invited me for a meal and you’ve entertained me with hard words. I want nothing from your preparation. So please take it back and eat it yourselves.”

“Never retaliate in kind,” the Buddha told his followers. “Hatred does not come to an end through hatred but can only cease through generosity.”

-Jataka Tale

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

8-16-05 Changing for the worse...

I cannot believe my actions today. In frustration and anger I said something derogatory about a group of co-workers. Furthermore, I did it in e-mail. I can't believe I did it. It was unprofessional and disrespectful and entirely unlike me.
I have no excuse for it.
To top that, the e-mail was forwarded to the group of people and I got my just desserts for it. I had it coming. I accept that blame.

What has happened to me? I was a top-dog, highly-respected professional no more than two years ago. I would not have dreamed of spouting off in such a childish way. Is it because I am not "challenged" by my work? Is it because I am frustrated with my lack of autonomy? Never-the-less, I CHOSE this job. I chose this position and I cannot allow the day-to-dayness of it to erode my character.

Shame on me. I will learn from this and I will not allow that to happen again!

8-16-05 The Book of Questions #12

"If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either body or mind of a 30-yar-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?"

8-16-05 Children's movies?

My husband and I, on occasion, will indulge in a children's movie. We grew up with Disney Sunday Night movies. We have a warm spot in our hearts for them.

Last night we watched Two Brothers (not Disney). This is a children's movie of the "Free Willy" type. It is "designed" to create awareness and sympathy toward the endangerment of wild Tigers. It was a horrible movie to watch. I would never let a child watch it. The body count is far too high.

I am having a real problem with children's movies now. It seems they are following the same plot line. The child figures are seperated from the parent figures. More often than not, the parents are killed off. Please explain why it is necessary to kill the parents. Nemo watched his mother die and then lost his father. Two Brothers switched characters but played out the same. Lemony Snicket killed the children's parents in a fire. I could name 5 more if I took the time to think about it.

Is this really something children need to be exposed to? I understand that the plotlines are trying to relate to the child by letting the child characters be independent of parental rule. Send them on vacation or something. Why must they be permanently offed?
Ok, Bambi did it with great success. (I still fast forward through that scene. I was traumatized by it as a child.) Is it really a good idea to put into a child's head the notion that the one thing that makes them feel safe can be taken away from them? Is it necessary for their development in some way?

I feel this plotline is overdone and it is time to grow.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Adult Bedtime Stories #1



HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Suddenly I'm BOT Central

WTF? I try to pretty the place up a bit and suddenly I'm attacked by bots. I have two bot comments on the last post and when I delete them, magically appears two more.
Egad. Everybody loves Magical Trevor. Wish I could banish bots to the parallel dimension.
Die bots! Die!

Friday, August 12, 2005

I got tagged by a Fribbit.

"List ten songs you are currently digging....it doesn't matter what genre, or if they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists and the tens songs on your Blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to"

1. Al Stewart - Year of the Cat "...she comes running like a watercolor in the rain."

2. The Beatles - In My Life "...in my life, I loved them all."

3. Jackson Browne - The Pretender "...I'm gonna find myself a girl who can show me what laughter means. And we'll fill in the missing colors in each other's paint-by-number dreams."

4. Pablo Cruise - Cool Love "...it's like rain in the summertime, comin down."

5. Rik Emmett - Between The Dreams of You and I "...hear the echoes of the ages. Feel the rhythm of the tides. The truth keeps coming down into that place where love resides."

6. Rush - Freewill "...Each of us a cell of awareness, imperfect and incomplete. Genetic blends with uncertain ends on a fortune hunt that's way too fleet."

7. Triumph - Writing on the Wall "...I am up here, walkin on a tightrope, but I never paused to think that I could fall."

8. Alan Parsons Project - Games People Play "...where do we go from here now that all the children are growin up? And how do we spend our time knowing nobody gives us a damn?"

9. John Mellencamp - I Need a Lover "...who won't drive me crazy. Some girl who know's the meaning of 'hey hit the highway'"

10. Live - White, Discussion"...and when the final sunset rolls behind the earth and the clock is finally dead. I'll look at you and you'll look at me, we'll cry a lot, and this will be what we said, 'Look where all this talking got us baby.'"

Ok, I don't know five bloggers to tag so feel free to join in Trée and Monk :)

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

8-9-05 For Trée's Vacation

This one's for you Trée. :) (And for me, living vicariously through you.)

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
There's lots of those friendly people
Showin me ways to go
And I never want to lose your inspiration

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so pre-arranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I was born in the sign of water
And it's there that I feel my best
The albatross and the whales
they are my brothers
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Starin' at the full moon
like a lover

Time for
a cool change...
I know that it's time
for a cool change
Now that my life
is so prearranged
I know that it's time
for a cool change

Well I've never been romantic
And sometimes I don't care
I know it may sound selfish
But let me breathe the air

If there's one thing in my life that's missing
It's the time that I spend alone
Sailing on the cool and bright clear waters
It's kind of a special feeling
When you're out on the sea alone
Staring at the full moon like a lover

~Little River Band~

8-9-05 Blogging to you live....


"3,419 miles to touch down at Edwards Airforce Base. Banking to the left with wings angled 80 degrees horizontal. 24 minutes to touch down."

I live in Texas. I recall the last Shuttle re-entry. I thought I would not watch this one. I find it is not morbid fascination that peaks my interest this morning. It is prayer. It is hope. Fingers are crossed and I am watching the NASA screens.
This is something my father has always been fascinated by. I have watched in the past, in my own sort of awe. However, this always makes me reflect on the fact that my father remembers the very first space launches. How amazing that must have been.
I suspect he is reminded of that boyish excitement each time we do this now.

6:48a.m. CST "Discovery's speed 15,000 mph. Altitude 43miles." (Seriously. Let that sink in!)

6:53a.m. CST "Discovery's speed 13,600 mph. 1,450 miles to Edwards Airforce Base."

6:57a.m. CST "speed is mach 17 (11,500mph). Descending through 194,000 feet. 1,000 miles from E.A.B. 13minutes to touch down on runway 22"

7:00a.m. CST "Banking back to the left, the third of four banks Discovery performs to dissipate speed. 470 miles to touch down"
"Discovery Houston Ground Track is all "GO"."

7:05a.m. CST "As the shuttle begins it's aproach to E.A.B it will perform a right overhead 196 degree turn to align with the runway. Now 155 miles out.
-21miles 3,200 miles p/h. Forth bank. En route to the 50th landing for a space shuttle at E.A.B. 7.5 minutes to touch down. (From the naked eye it is a flaming white ball in the night sky)
-"Discovery Houston, take air data." Speed 2,000 mph 81 miles to touch down. Altitude 80,000 feet. (Beginning to take shape. A bright white triangle.)
-Mach 1.5 at 7:07a.m. (We have clear visual of the wings)
-Just over 4 minutes to touchdwon now. 28 miles out. Pilot Jim Kelly piloting the Discovery as it goes sub-sonic.
-7:10 Now at 30,000 feet. Descent to the runway is 20 times steeper than that of a commercial airline descent.
-7:11 22,000 feet
-7:11 Discovery has the runway in sight. (the nose is bright white)
-7:11 7,000 feet
-seconds later 5,000 feet
-then 3 miles to touch down
-1,000 feet Landing gear down and locked.
-Main gear touch down.
-Drag chute deployed.
-Nose gear touch down.

And discovery is home. Welcome home friends.
Whew.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Sunday, August 07, 2005

8-6-05 Another perspective

I was watching a show about some 60s political protesters and where they are now. One very important protester was sharing her current views on the Iraq war. She said something that struck me odd.

"I don't believe that I've been told everything about our policy in invading Iraq. Saddam Hussein was on OUR side. We supported and identified him as the leader of Iraq. And now, we've come into Iraq to liberate the people for their freedom. We don't want Iraq. We don't want their oil. We just want their freedom. We have never done that really. Before. That way. I have to remember that I know that, even as I listen to everything that they're telling me.

I am not "for" this war. I believe that what we are trying to accomplish could have been done on a much smaller scale than this. When this war started, I watched the body count and mourned our soldiers (my family, my friends). I had to stop. I had to stop looking for the faces of loved ones to come across the tv screen, but I wait for the phone call and I fear it. So many others wait too. So many people's sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, wives and husbands...ours...and their's.
I hope that the above is true. I hope we are there to give freedom. I hope that we accomplish some good from all this bad.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

8-6-05 Social Masks...Who am I REALLY?

"Due to having many parts there is no unity,
There is not anything without parts.
Further, without one, there is not many.
Also, without existence there is no non-existence.

-Nagarjuna, "Precious Garland"

There are people who set out to "find themselves". I wonder what that means. Maybe I am doing that here.
The circumstances of this blog and it's viewers have made me increasingly aware of the masks I wear in the world.
To see me at home, I am responsible and loving. At work, I am socially acceptable, professional, happy, friendly and sort of sarcastic-cynical. With family I am giving and caring. With each friend I am different.

But who am I REALLY? If I were left alone for days or months, who would I be? The answer is too easy and yet it shakes me to the core to realize it.
In my mind I am an artist. I am content in long quiet days. I am bathed in music. I am flowing love. I am not concerned about anyone's ability to give back.

I am a pierced, tatooed punk kid with funky hair and odd fitting black clothing and mountains of angst to describe on canvas. I am politicaly, socially and ecologically involved. I am growing into an old hippy woman in bright flowing clothes and beads and long gray hair. I meditate my faith and I hope for humanity.
I am proud. I am free.

How is it that I know all of the above and yet, I am not that person? Why do we hide behind these masks? Why do I not embrace the person I want to be and just be damned with the opinions of others?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

8-2-05 Tuesday

Tuesdays. I've never been good at Tuesdays. Lots of people don't like Mondays. Me, I'm good with Monday. I'm optimistic on Monday. Hopeful about the week. Tuesdays....so little hope in Tuesday. It's very mundane really. Not hump-day. Not getting on toward the weekend. Tuesday just sits there, full of too much to do. No way out of Tuesdays. Blech.
*******************************************
And now, an even sillier rant:
Does anyone remember this poem?

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'


Sure you do. It has always been one of my favorite stanzas. It is something, oddly, quoted about our house and throughout my life at opportune moments.
I know that I read the whole poem when I was a child. I didn't remember much of it though. So...I looked it up.
It's evil. I didn't remember it being evil. It's really a cruel story. Worse yet, it was in a book of nursery rhymes. WHY would we read this to our children??
Here it is, to quell your curiosity: The Walrus and the Carpenter
*************************************
Now - My current internal rant:
My mother always had problems when money was tight. It's a learned behavior that I have acquired. Tight money makes me unhappy. Hard to live with even.

Money. "Money is the root of all evil." "Money is power." "Money changes everything."

18 months ago I had all the money I needed...and then some. It was nothing to drop a few hundred dollars on a weekend. We ate out more than we ate in. Downpayments on cars barely made a dent. Airline tickets were no big deal.
BUT...every penny I earned cost me in trade. I had no life. I was on-call 24/7/365. No holidays. No weekends. Angry customers with 3 a.m. problem phone calls.
Read my first few posts to get an idea of the tragic mindset going on at that time.
Worse yet, regardless of title and status, every job was contract. There was no promise of longevity....ever. A nasty way to live.

So I changed that. I took longevity over money. Now I work regular hours. I don't even own a cellphone. (I'm very Kazinsky about the cellphone thing now.) I accepted less than half my previous income and NO title.
NOW, I have a life. I spend time at home with my significant other. Lots of time. Too much time. Why? BECAUSE I'M BROKE!
Now I'm afraid to spend a dime. We have no spare cash. We don't go out to eat. We won't go to the movies. Trips to see family are few and far between. We have racked up debt like crazy.
I feel that fear welling up too often. That bitter anger my mother had. I fully understand Mom.

See the comment in my profile "never satisfied (or even content)"? I meant that. That's probably the best definition of me that could be put in words.
I need a hobby. I wish I could afford one.