8-2-05 Tuesday

Tuesdays. I've never been good at Tuesdays. Lots of people don't like Mondays. Me, I'm good with Monday. I'm optimistic on Monday. Hopeful about the week. Tuesdays....so little hope in Tuesday. It's very mundane really. Not hump-day. Not getting on toward the weekend. Tuesday just sits there, full of too much to do. No way out of Tuesdays. Blech.
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And now, an even sillier rant:
Does anyone remember this poem?

'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'

Sure you do. It has always been one of my favorite stanzas. It is something, oddly, quoted about our house and throughout my life at opportune moments.
I know that I read the whole poem when I was a child. I didn't remember much of it though. So...I looked it up.
It's evil. I didn't remember it being evil. It's really a cruel story. Worse yet, it was in a book of nursery rhymes. WHY would we read this to our children??
Here it is, to quell your curiosity: The Walrus and the Carpenter
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Now - My current internal rant:
My mother always had problems when money was tight. It's a learned behavior that I have acquired. Tight money makes me unhappy. Hard to live with even.

Money. "Money is the root of all evil." "Money is power." "Money changes everything."

18 months ago I had all the money I needed...and then some. It was nothing to drop a few hundred dollars on a weekend. We ate out more than we ate in. Downpayments on cars barely made a dent. Airline tickets were no big deal.
BUT...every penny I earned cost me in trade. I had no life. I was on-call 24/7/365. No holidays. No weekends. Angry customers with 3 a.m. problem phone calls.
Read my first few posts to get an idea of the tragic mindset going on at that time.
Worse yet, regardless of title and status, every job was contract. There was no promise of longevity....ever. A nasty way to live.

So I changed that. I took longevity over money. Now I work regular hours. I don't even own a cellphone. (I'm very Kazinsky about the cellphone thing now.) I accepted less than half my previous income and NO title.
NOW, I have a life. I spend time at home with my significant other. Lots of time. Too much time. Why? BECAUSE I'M BROKE!
Now I'm afraid to spend a dime. We have no spare cash. We don't go out to eat. We won't go to the movies. Trips to see family are few and far between. We have racked up debt like crazy.
I feel that fear welling up too often. That bitter anger my mother had. I fully understand Mom.

See the comment in my profile "never satisfied (or even content)"? I meant that. That's probably the best definition of me that could be put in words.
I need a hobby. I wish I could afford one.