I have a dear friend. I care deeply for her and for her child. Yet, in the past 10 years, I have rarely known her to be happy. Quite the opposite, she is usually very unhappy. Extremely sad, actually.
Her child is following in mother's footsteps.
The hardest part is that I can see the inherent flaws from my safe, easy-chair, distance. I can see them and I think "you really need some professional help". I say the same but she'll get no help. She will continue down the same miserable path, constantly complaining of the misery. It breaks my heart.
I've come to think of her as an addict. She is addicted to her own suffering. An addict cannot see the damage they cause themselves but think the cure to the pain it causes is in the addiction itself. A never-ending circle. The very description of addiction.
A drug addict cannot heal without the will to heal themselves.
No person can make them see or make them heal without their own willingness.
This leads me to believe that her suffering gives her comfort. Without agony or drama she feels less of a person. If there is no drama, she will make some.
Isn't that odd? It is to me. I am apt to believe it is a legacy handed down from generation to future generation. It is all very sad.
I know that I cannot heal her. I know that her healing is not my responsibility but is her own. I stand by and idly watch. Is my addiction to watch her suffer? To say, "At least I am not her." No, I am getting help.
I am writing this here because I'm going to need it later today:
"This is how we go on: one day at a time, one meal at a time, one pain at a time, one breath at a time. Dentists go on one root-canal at a time; boat-builders one hull at a time. If you write books, you go on one page at a time. We turn from all we know and all we fear. We study catalogues, watch football games, choose Sprint over AT&T. We count the birds in the sky and will not turn from the window when we hear the footsteps behind us as something comes up the hall; we say yes, I agree that clouds often look like other things--fish and unicorns and men on horseback--but they are really only clouds. Even when the lightening flashes inside them we say they are only clouds and turn our attention to the next meal, the next pain, the next breath, the next page. This is how we go on."
Why can't we be addicted to being healthy, kind, generous and free of damaging addictions? (Wow, that could be a philosophy behind a whole new church, huh?)
7 comments:
Agnes, you pose a most interesting question. Why, indeed, can we not be drawn to the good things? Why does man seem determined to self destruct?
In the animal world..if an animal , say, drinks some water that makes it sick, most probably the animal will not drink anymore of that water. Then , why does man drink alcohol?
I could go on and on , but you get the idea.
If we could figure this out, would the world be a grand place?
Kinda like God intended it to be from the start.
Morning Agnes...sorry for being a bit late today :)
As for addictions, you are right in the sense that some people do use it for the sake of feeling more like a person. Maybe it's in the lack of other features that are yet to be discovered?
But there are good addictions too...even if an addiction in itself never is a good thing. I used to be addicted to exercise...believe it or not. But the gym and the feeling after 2 hours of tough workout would trigger, was like a drug. And I felt terrible if I got sick and couldn't keep up with my schedule...which wasn't really a good one either. 6 days a week, 2 hours a day...which put a lot of strain on the body after a while.
But just as your friend it made me feel like somoeone. It was a replacement for other things that I had to discover later.
i once heard someone say that having a low self-esteem like that is being prideful. i thought it was completely crazy, until i thought about it. when someone is so "addicted" to wallowing in their own sadness, they are thinking only of themselves, making themselves the most important person around.
i do feel bad for that child you were mentioning. my hope is that erica will see strenght, courage, love, etc in me, not something self-destructive. --there's a lot of pressure being a parent. thats something the books dont warn you about. though, on the other hand, it can be a motivator to live a better life. to be healthy, kind, generous, and free of damaging addictions (as you put it)
I think, based on my own experiences in going through the same things, that we all have to reach that point ourselves where we want to change, where we want to make things better. Sometimes, we have to hit the absolute bottom, to feel completely is despair, before we can begin to heal ourselves.
Watching from the outside can be difficult indeed, but unless the other person is willing to hear the advice we have to give, no matter how good it might be for them, it will not only fall on deaf ears but only serve to alienate us from them.
There's a post I wrote once-upon-a-time which you might find useful: http://justin-thyme.blogspot.com/2006/01/true-epiphany-re-redux_06.html
I hope that whatever you decide to do and what role you play in this situation that it give you peace.
I'll have to reply to all of you after a bit. Not enough time now.
I wanted to drop in and say:
Justin, that is an amazing and spot-on story.
...for years you have convinced yourself you were the victim of some cosmic fate, but you were wrong. This is your fault, and that means you can change it."
That is so much of what I want to say. She has buried herself under those rocks. She can unbury.
The perception of her as an addict illustrates the point to her degree. She must admit the problem before beginning to resolve it.
Sadly, I do not know how to tell her to look for the truth. I constantly worry that I will be too late when I finally find the words.
Hey Agnes.
Found myself unintentionally quoting Justin, whenever I tried to write you a comment - the boulder story is a perfect description and example to illustrate the things you highlight in your post. I'm glad you got to read it and I hope, at least in part, you know there really isn't much if anything you can do to change this situation, not only is it learned behaviour and habit, but it is also as you say an addiction - you cannot do (much) more concrete than the rest of us can here by just hoping plain and simple that she/they reach their own epiphany and best sooner rather than later.
Hope in spite of it all, you are having a good day, x
Morning Aggie. Sending all the good karma I have your way. If you find yourself smiling for no reason, that was me. :-)
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