Monday, March 21, 2016

Blogspot: The place I go to say things I don't feel comfortable saying on Facebook...because friends and family shouldn't know this much about me; ever. 

Once, a long time ago, far far away, there was a place. I went to this place as often as I could. All of the people in this place cheered for one another. Everyone said, "You can do it." and you did. And it was good. There were no fails. 

The place made me believe I could. I could lift 5 more lbs. I could run half a mile further. I could row another 5 minutes. I kept track. I achieved. If I could do THAT, I could - anything. 
I could.
I could save myself.
I DESERVED to save myself. I COULD. 

I did. 
But the place went away. The voices stilled. Some of the voices changed to other voices that still said, "You deserve." and "You can do." and "You are good.". For a while, I believed them. But the marks on my yardstick stopped moving forward. I wasn't lifting 5 more pounds or running a half mile. I was deteriorating. The cuff tore. I couldn't lift anymore. I was sidelined. 
I felt fail.
I drank to fill it up. 
I indulged in bad habits.
I ate badly. 
I hid - because that was easier than facing. I'm facing. But I don't have the voices. No, I do have them, I just no longer hear them. 
Catastrophizing. I've become.....learned behavior. Bad, learned behavior. 

Back there - at the top of this idiot dissertation - I said, "I DESERVED to save myself." 
Now I have to accept what I've done. What I'm doing. Who I've hurt.
What do I deserve now?