Find The Others....


"Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” - Timothy Leary

What is that fear? What is the freedom?

She flew...and I'm so proud and happy. My heart soars with her. We are changing. We are growing. We are better than before. 

I am changing. I have changed. There came a moment, at the bottom of the well, when I had to get busy. "Get busy living or get busy dying."  I chose.  Some days, days like today, I feel alive again. I ache from exercise, and that ache reminds me that I've done something great for myself. I look forward to yoga tomorrow. I look forward to next month; six months from now. I look forward to growing and learning and being. I have taken a new attitude also. I say, "I will do this for myself despite any negativity that comes at me." and we know it does. Doesn't matter. Doesn't apply. This is FOR ME. This is MINE!  I have changed. I am changing.           ~Agnes Mitchell~

This is the goal.

The question is not whether I can change, but am I willing to try? Am I already too burned to ever trust again?

A week of ups and down. Too busy to rest. Too stressed to celebrate the wins. NTC distribution. First full WOD. Broken window. 70 pushups. Iron level 7. Flat tires need replacing. First yoga class. No weight loss even though I'm dieting and working out so hard. A sincere smile from someone I respect because I did the right thing. 

To meditate brings bittersweet tears. A vision of walking through a door to a beautiful place is met with the reality of never walking through at all. 

Dreaming is he hardest thing I do.

"Even as the shell of the seed must break, that its heart may grow into a tree, so must you know pain."

What else am I ready to learn?

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.
- Confucius 

Shrink 4.0 & Plans for Saturday

Because I'm so much more than meets the eye...

Srsly? Random anxiety attacks? How is this MY fault?

(I should have been down when you made me insecure!)

"I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us, 
but would have wasted my time when the world we had was YOURS!"

Hope? Is there such at thing?

Made a couple of calls and an appointment to find my hope. 

Hope I find it. 

And you may say to yourself, "My God! What have I done?!"

I built a goddamn cage and locked myself right in it. That's what I've done.

2013-6-30   

It is in my darkest hour that I become angry enough to search for the light.

There is a crack in my cocoon.