Happy Halloweeeeeeeennn

Monday's turn....

Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one.
-Albert Einstein

The only people to get even with are those who have helped you.
-Anonymous

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
- Buddha.

Mediator

Main Entry: 2me·di·ate
Pronunciation: 'mE-dE-"At
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
Etymology: Medieval Latin mediatus, past participle of mediare, from Late Latin, to be in the middle, from Latin medius middle
transitive verb
1 a : to bring accord out of by action as an intermediary b : to effect by action as an intermediary
2 a : to act as intermediary agent in bringing, effecting, or communicating : CONVEY b : to transmit as intermediate mechanism or agency
intransitive verb
1 : to interpose between parties in order to reconcile them
2 : to reconcile differences

I believe that the first year of loss is the most difficult. I believe that everyone grieves differently and on an entirely different timescale as another might grieve the same loss. I believe that no loss is greater than another; every loss is entire to the individual left behind...left alive.

I believe that loss and grieving changes us in ways we had no idea we could change. I believe that change comes gradually...and yet, it comes constantly. Some changes are for the better. Some changes are much worse.
I believe grief over-rides patience. That is one consistency I see in all of us.
We have less patience for each other.
I believe loss makes us selfish, even if for only a time. Suddenly our world revolves around us - our loss - our emotions - our ability or inability to cope with every little thing.
I believe that loss confuses reason. It blows up our emotions and makes us incapable of realizing the affect we have on others.

I believe it makes us very sad.

I believe that loss takes all of the puzzle pieces of our lives and throws them to the wind for us to find again and put them back. I believe we never find them all and when we do, they don't fit where they were before.

I believe we love each other as much but we want each other to see our pain instead of feel their own. Misery/company etc.

I wish (but I no longer believe in wishes).
I wish we could stop over-emoting and start understanding. I wish we could put patience and sympathy before anything we want. I wish we could love unconditionally, like we're supposed to. Like we do but we don't express anymore.
I wish we could all step back and accept that we are cracked and bruised and aching and full of fear for our own futures.

I wish. I try.
I see us falling apart.
I can't stop it. I can't mediate.

But tomorrow things will be different. I wait for tomorrow and I pray.

How to fall asleep?

I have a question. I've had it for ages and asked it a few times. It seems the function of "going" to sleep is a very individual thing. It may speak directly to the core of our individuality actually.

How do you go to sleep?
To be very direct, what does your brain do just before you slip out of consciousness?
You've had a good day. Nothing extraordinary has happened. There is no stress pending the sunrise. (It's a Saturday night and all you did was yardwork or something all day.)
It's 11pm. You click off Saturday Night Live, roll over, get in your comfy position and then...what happens inside your brain?

It seems an odd thing to ask but can be difficult to answer. The idea is so foreign to some that I've had the response "I don't understand what you mean." This comes from a person who closes their eyes and simultaneously begins to snore. This is not a blessing I've ever had.

My answer: Yes, the day plays in my head and sometimes other scenarioes of myself having productive discussions with other people - but - those scenarioes will not allow me to sleep. I must pretend. I must mentally project myself OUT of my own world. I must imagine myself elsewhere and generally with people I do not know. I suppose it is "fantasy" that gets me to sleep. I must do it though. Every night. Without fail. Not to do so means not to sleep.

How do you go to sleep?

Love and warm hugs to all of you. Sorry for my absence. I seem to be on a two week post schedule lately.

Trying to catch up (a.k.a the superlong post from hell)

Yes. The new cats have taken over the house. They have broken us down to our most basic selves and built us back up as their slaves. We now, joyfully, provide every amenity of comfort at all times.
In return, they make silly meowing noises at random times (this keeps us on our toes) and they occasionally pounce a toy to see if we'll come running and, once again, emit coos while repeating "isn't that the cutest thing"?
It's all very embarrassing.
Momma Kitty says "Pthththththt!"


My best friend was approved to volunteer at Baylor Children's Hospital. This is supposed to be theraputic. I'll leave it at that.
Otherwise, she's doing fairly well.

My hubby went to Albuquerque to visit his brother and new neice. His parents flew there from North Carolina so it was a pretty good get-together. The only downside is the very recent diagnosis of my hubby's father's bladder cancer. He's quite uncomfortable and a plan of attack has yet to be determined. However, his father is an amazingly upbeat person so I have a great deal of hope.

Mom's doing fairly well. My sister is now 7 months re-pregnant. We will have a new girl in the family in January. Nora Beth. I'm excited. We all are.
This will be the sister of that little boy I keep posting...and, of course, I just did again. Can you believe those curls? I'm such a proud aunt.

Also, if anyone can translate this:

...it would be greatly appreciated. I've looked everywhere trying. We were told that the top symbols meant "Endurance" and the bottom one "Justice". We now think it was something entirely different. They were Jessica's tatoos. Her mother wants to get them now...but not without knowing what they really mean.

Finally, I did a quick look back. October 18th, 2005 - one year ago....oblivion. It seems like a minute ago and a century ago. It's a good feeling to look back at that. Good and bittersweet. Oh, to be that child again. The one in the picture and the one who was looking at the picture.

Peace, love, hope, happiness and FREE HUGS to every one of you. I hope this post finds you in a comfortably bored place in life. :) There's a helluva lot to say for comfortable boredom. Don't ever take a good rut for granted.
Aggie