Week Eight. 2/23/08

Monday - phone call from headhunter with decent job offer. (Nice guy too.)
The owner came by to ask if I felt better. I said "Yes, thanks." I don't think he grasped the sniffling and talking through my nose. This turns out to be significant later. **
He then tells my cellmate that she has to switch cubicles (to the very back one) by the end of the week.

Tuesay-Wednesday - same old blah and angry cellmate. She's complaining about the move. The CEO told her it was because "she's too loud" so she complains in whispers now.

Thursday - the move happens early in the day but the office hasn't planned well and she's left without her phone or fax for the remainder of the day. She sulks around the office and complains with her head down. She won't look at me and I realize the people who hang around her are giving me the cold shoulder. I'm silent about the entire situation. I work and stay out of it. I want to scream "I'm not the reason you got moved. YOU ARE." but I don't know if that's the truth.
I feel guilty.
The headhunter calls back for clarification of some items on my resume.

Friday - It's a good day for me because the cellmate is far enough away now that I cannot hear her endless complaints. Still, there are comments by others that her mood is angry. To me, she just looks like her feelings are hurt. That makes me sad and even more guilty feeling.
Regardless, I start thinking I can handle this. Some of the burden has lifted.
I get home and the headhunter has scheduled me for an interview next week. I'll have to lie to take the time off. I should be excited...but...

Now I'm conflicted because this company has pandered to me just for the sake of keeping me......and I'm entertaining another offer. I can't decide if I should tell the headhunter "Nevermind" or continue on. ***Furthermore, the CEO asks me, "How did you get over that flu so quickly." (I told him, "I didn't. I had it for a full week." and he says "But you came to work." and I said, "I didn't really have a choice because cellmate was out and her situation took priority.")
I realize later that he asked because he thinks I left for a job interview instead of the flu....which I didn't but now I'm going to next week. I feel like I'm busted. PRE-busted. haha.
The whole situation is starting to wear on me. I feel guilty. (PRE-guilty).

I've decided that I will interview at the other company anyway. It might turn out to be the answer, and it might not - but don't I owe myself the perspective? I might just turn it down because it's an insanely long drive and I've gotten spoiled to the 8 minute run I've got now.
I think I want to continue where I am...........then I look back at previous posts and I think "What am I thinking? Happiness cannot be found here." Can it? Have I just not had the opportunity to be happy yet?
I feel like I owe this company the opportunity because they have put in the effort for me. Shouldn't I put some effort back?

The bottom line is that I'm looking for a 25 year job.
Is this it? Is the new offer it? Is there such a thing for me?

Conflicted.

Sunday 2-17-08 Week Seven

The Flu. Blech. Ptooie. Sneeze, cough, pass out. Nuff said.

The cellmate was off work Mon-Wed due to a loss in her family. (a brother she'd seen/spoken to once in 10 years but, no doubt, loved dearly)

Thursday came and I finally was able to take my flu and go home. I stayed in bed Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. I completely forgot little Riley's birthday on 2/17 but his mother, God bless her, called to remind me. THANK YOU! and shame on me.

Happy fourth birthday little man. I love you.

2-9-08 Week..um...six, I think....

Hell week! Once a year all of our outside sales reps converge on the Dallas office. It equates to having a big family holiday in your very small house. It's nice to see some of them. Some you wish would never have come. What's the saying? "Fish and house guests start to stink after three days." LOL
The delimma here is that the whole week is actually fun. It's a lot of people saying nothing but nice things to and about each other. That's such a radical change from the day-to-dayness that it inspires me to HOPE that this job has potential. It steers me away from the job hunt. It makes me BELIEVE that I want to continue this. Still, my jaded and cynical side tries so hard to keep me in check. I KNOW this isn't reality. We spend a week in a charade of "it's all going to be so much better". Everyone is really genuine about that thought, including myself because I really can see the potential of these two companies working together. But I KNOW it hasn't worked yet. Am I just too impatient? Am I too intolerant because of what I've seen in the past? Of course all this fussing is JUST ME.....or is it? Oh the doubt.

I guess that's why I'm writing all this stuff out. When I get deluded about the facts, I want the ability to read back and make sure I felt what I felt and experienced what I did. I don't want to focus on the frustrations, but I do want to be able to confirm the reality.

I'm tired from the week but at least there was laughter. If there were more laughter there, I could probably make it work. We'll see.

On that note, the cellmate, lost her favorite pet on January 29th and, while we were at our big trade show on Thursday 2/7, she got a call that her brother had passed away. Of course I stepped up as best I could to take as much burden off of her as possible. She'll be out next week and I'll do my best to keep things running. I do feel for her, but at the same time I'm very concerned about the future. She's very demanding of sympathy and she's a severly depressed person already. The woman has got to get therapy or some kind of happy pills because I've got my own demons and I might be less than caring if she dives into the pity-pot with all of us in tow. I will have to put that wall up and reinforce it's strength. I have the healing of myself and my family and my best friend still to contend with. I just have to have limits to maintain my own ability to function.

So, that's it in a nutshell. I'm exhausted yet restless. I'm hopeful and afraid. That sounds like an Alanis Morissette song, huh?

I sincerely hope that you all have some sort of peace in your lives. There's nothing wrong with a good rut, because in a good rut, there's nothing wrong.

Love, hope and kindness.
Aggie

Church or not?

I say again that I begrudge no one their faith. By all means, believe in something. However, my belief system is a mix of experiences, Cajun folklore and Bible Belt Baptisms. I suspect everyone's faith is truly different based on their own perception of reality...aka what they need to believe to find hope, comfort and make sense of their world.

I was quite amused today as the CEO told me of his belief in his patriarchal religion. I forget the name of this movement. It started about 10 years ago. It helps men learn to be "more giving" fathers and husbands. It's a pretty good idealism that, I'm sure, pays back when followed through.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit into my reality at all. I guess I am my father in the sense that I've always felt it my responsibility to manage the household and I've always been the bigger breadwinner. That's my own doing so no illwill toward my hubby. He works his ass off for what he gets and I respect that. Certainly, I couldn't do it without him. Regardless, that particular faith just doesn't fit me. (so I wish he'd stop trying to push it on me. UGH.)

I've decided that I'm joining a new church. The Church Of Google
There! Now I've pushed my faith off on everyone else.
You're not buying in either, are you?

Happy Wednesday and a better Troutday tomorrow. Does anyone do half-nekkid Thursdays anymore? That's a good faith to follow. LOL