7-23-05 So much to say...so much to say...

And where to begin?
THE GOOD STUFF: 1) The blog is expanding and I have plans for at least two more pages. This has become a true joy as I am working the code on the other pages instead of just adding posts. Colors and shape and soon to be backgrounds. I LOVE creating from code. This fills my analytical and artistic needs all at once.
-There will be a page of "World News" (relevant only from my perspective of the world, twisted as it is) and a page of art. I've been blogging about just to see what's out there and found so many beautiful pages of art. Ahh. Can't wait to get that back.
2) The house is clean. Baby-proof-clean. ;)~
3) I am quite happy and content at the moment. Take note!

THE NOT-SO-GOOD STUFF:
Sometimes something happens that lays one big kick in your rear-end and begs you to get a clue. Consider the clue gotten.
Here is the kick:
A young man, my age, made a lot of bad choices. They weren't entirely his choices, or maybe they were....but I think they were a culmination of twisted perspectives that resulted from a very confusing childhood.
 He lost his father in a tragic car wreck when he was young. Not too young to know what had happened.
 He suffered the abuse of his mother, physical and mental. Likely brought on by her own suffering.
 He escaped to drugs.
 He abused others.
 He redeemed himself and cleaned up his life. He found and kept a good job. He had a strong, intelligent girlfriend. He was no longer addicted. He had been clean for a long time.
 He had a surgery. Minor, but it required pain killers.
 He became addicted.
 He became abusive.
 He faced jail time.
 He lost his job.
Last week he killed himself.

He was loved. He just didn’t see it.
He could have escaped but he feared so deeply that he couldn’t see the door. Fear of the future, of paying the consequences, was far greater than just quitting.

I can see this a bit more clearly because I was not emotionally tied to the young man. He was the cousin and friend of my husband.
My husband will take quite a bit longer to reach closure….if ever.
My dear husband states that he has never considered suicide even once in his life. (and let me tell you, he’s seen rock bottom so that’s a pretty amazing thing.) I am thrilled to have that knowledge but it hurts me to know that my husband might never comprehend what has happened to the person he loved. My husband will blame himself and bear guilt for many many years.

LET’S STEP BACK A MINUTE:
Life is perspective.
Self-pity is annoying.
I have so very very much to be grateful for in my life. So much. How dare I ever waste one moment on self-pity.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
I have a wonderful family. I am aware that I am loved. I never, ever suffered abuse within my family or my home.
My parents have been married 40 yrs. They are the sun in the universe of our extended family of cousins, grandparents, aunts, grandchildren. They have been the greatest role models of our lives. We are eternally blessed.
My sister and brother and their families share the love and commitment we learned from our parents…and we try to pass that on to those around us.
I have a wonderful, kind, compassionate husband. With him I feel safe. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

I could go on with blessings like “I am an American and a Texan. I am intelligent. I am talented. I have a good job. I am surrounded by people I enjoy.” etc. I need not. I am blessed. I am aware. The clue has been gotten.