7-9-05 Cynical

Today's word is: Cynical.
For a week now, I have obsessed about that word. Rik called me out on it. I thought, "I am not cynical? I am the one who finds hope. I am the one who turned an angry mob into a compassionate group with one short post." And then I re-read my own recent post and went "Holy smokes. When did that happen?" OMG. I am cynical. Yick. Somebody get me some soap and a sponge.

I'm over it.

But....lookie at all the changes a year can bring. Let's paruse, shall we?
One year ago I was so involved with her problems that I barely paid attention to my own. Her illnesses. Her daughter. Her needs. Her suicidal phone calls. Her moving. Her divorce. Her pain. Her hopelessness. Her neeeed for therapy. I was her shrink-friend.
One year ago my sister's son was 4 months old and she and Mom were finding their footing in the "who's right, who's wrong" child rearing battle. I was their shrink-sister-daughter.
One year ago my husband lost his job, got very ill, got very depressed. I was his rock. Shrink-wife.
One year ago I lost my job after a loooong, painful, drawn out dread of that impending doom. I had a shrink. He was a freak.

I cracked. Hell, I broke into tiny peices.
Then I stopped.
I stopped being everybody's shrink. I started putting up the infamous "boundaries" (Thank you Dr. Phil. Apparently, I was the one who needed the shrink.)
I did it with a vengance. I not only put up boundaries, I built great big, 6-inch-thick, reinforced steel, impenatrable WALLS!
THEN I dug underground and began what my friend now refers to as "My Hobbitdom". Ahhhh, it is nice down here in the dark. Nice and peaceful. No conflict. No problems. Nothing here but the voices in my head. Suh-weeeet.

Now I live my life in short blurbs, blogs and posts. I communicate with people online. People I will never see. People who will never need ME to be their backbone. I have torn up my shrink-license.
I do not get emotionally attached to my co-workers. I do not meet the eyes or start conversations with strangers in malls or stores. Hell, I don't even leave the house if I don't have to.

I have no patience for the problems of other people. ("I did not cause it. I cannot change it. It is not my problem.")
Is that cynical? Yes. Cynicism has saved me.

Do I like who I am becoming? No.
I feel that I am missing out. I feel un-loved and lonely. How sad is that? I used to hate that I would spend an hour on the phone listening to the whining of others, and when I wanted to whine, they conveniently vanished from earshot. Was THAT my definition of love??? Were their boundaries just better than mine?

Well, I do like my extremes. All or nuttin for me, man!

I think the next step is to figure out what I like about me.
I have got to get busy setting up the studio so I can draw. If I can get that back, I can find my confidence and maybe hang some lights in this hobbit hole. Maybe then I can invite them back in.....on different terms though. No more whining. This is a no-whining zone.

I was a very funny person once. I've lost that humor. I need it back.
The only person who never whined was Dad. Dad and I have a different relationship. I want that relationship with everyone else.
I need to spend more time talking to Dad.