I am in an odd place. I have a friend, who I adore, and I am seeking compassion for her. It is odd because I am finding it difficult to be compassionate. It is as if I have to work at it.
I have been contemplating the cause of this a great deal lately. Is it me? Have I built the wall so high and thick that I can no longer feel? Is it her? Has she desensitized me to her plight?
They say, when a person is likely to commit suicide, they talk about it a lot. It is a cry for help. This particular cry, although louder these past months, has been going on for years. It is hard for me to discern if this is truth or a need for attention. Either way I am lost. I can play shrink but I am not a shrink. I am not qualified to handle this. Besides, even if I were, I am far too emotionally involved to be objective. And to be quite honest, I don't want the job for fear of failure.
And what if I'm the only one? What if she doesn't say these things to anyone but me?
What if I do not act on this? HOW do I act on this?
It is greater than me...and so I wait. I struggle with myself. I worry and fret and pray and hope and get frustrated and bitter.
Equally, I want to save her and I want out.
I feel as if "out" makes me a bad person.
What to do?
1 comment:
Ah J, you are too kind to opine. Rest assured that I have long since attempted all reasonable options. Physi-chiatrists "fizzee-keeatrists" (for her and myself), hotlines (for myself and her), interventions (her family and myself). Everything short of calling the police and having her committed, and I do not have that right. That's a free-will thing.
No court in the world would find me guilty if they knew what I know or what I've already done to try to save her from herself.
This has gone on for many (+10) years with no actual attempts made. I'm more frustrated by it than anything else.
Regardless, I do sincerely appreciate your input and compassion. I am just venting, though. This is my only place to vent.
My husband won't listen anymore because he feels I should not associate with her - being that she's such a...um...buzzkill. ;)
Thanks hon. It's kinda nice to know there are ears out there somewhere.
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