Lies.
We all tell them.
Little white lies. "No honey, your butt does not look big in those pants."
Outright lies. "You are more sexy now than you were when we met."
Lies of ommission. "That Johnny Depp movie looks intelligent." ("Let's go see it so I can drooooool.!")
I realized yesterday that I am HUGELY guilty of the "ommission" type. Fortunately, I am guilty of it to a point that it only hurts me.
See, I don't tell people when they do things that hurt me. I let them continue doing them. I never say "Hey, I really wish you wouldn't tell me all those self-destructive things you do. They make me worry about you and that's not healthy for me."
Instead, I listen. And then I advise. I try to fix their problem. I don't consider, at the time, what the outcome will be for me. After a while, we end up building a relationship around my listening, my rescuing, their being the victim. A pattern develops. All the while I am holding inside all the hurt and sadness and worry. I'm building resentment.
Could all of this have been stopped in the beginning if I had just set some boundaries? If I had just told the truth?
I assure you, the thought never occurred to me before. I do not even know how.
The subject came up of "Scrupulous Honesty". This isn't something I'm good at. It is something I want to learn.
Where to begin?
Happy Thursday.
6 comments:
First of all - Chocolat is a great movie. It contains two of my favorites - Johnny Depp and loads of chocolate ;)
Second - if you want to change your way of handling people and be honest about their behavior or anything they ask of you - start out slow. It's a piece of art to be honest like that without hurting or becoming blunt. I know this coz I'm the blunt kind myself when I decide to strip down things to the bare bone, so to speak.
Take it in small steps. That's probably the best you can do.
Good advice Christa. That was my very first thought when the whole thing overwhelmed me. "How do you tell a person to stop doing what they're doing without hurting their feelings."
Unfortunately, hurting their feelings has been the very reason for the lies.
I'm going to research "scrupulous honesty"...and some Buddhist principles and some zen ways. Then, I'm going to try to keep this concept in the forefront of my actions going forward.
I think it's about boundaries. I'm no good at boundries yet.
There are plenty of times I wish I were more blunt. It's a trait I admire. :)
Happy Thursday to you.
PS - what is up with the goat on your page? LOL I love it. You always surprise me!
Being blunt is not really a trait. It's a curse :p
I would recommend that you try to find some golden road in the middle of being blunt and not saying anything. That's the best ;)
As for the goat...well, I took that piccie about a year ago. It was in the middle of summer, it was hot and she was rolling around on the ground among poop and other icky stuff. Maybe it was itching somewhere ;) In between the scratching she was just laying there on her back, stretched out and ejoying the sun :p
Have a great day :hugs:
I wish MY butt was that small - HA HA not a chance.
I used to have a friend who was completely blunt; never hesitated to cut the crap and be straightforward. I told her I needed a miniature of her sitting on my shoulder telling me when to say what, LOL! Being assertive is not usually what I'm remembered for. It would be nice to have it down, so that when the need arose, I'd be able to zip out the words that need to be said (for example: "I did NOT roll my eyes at you and sigh heavily when you asked me to work on your project at the last possible minute, although I would have LIKED to..."
Christa, you have the coolest, funnest photo collection of anyone I've ever met. :)
Terry, Our butts are just fine. ;)~
I want that little guy on my shoulder too. I want him to have such enormous tact though that when he points out a blatant truth like "Gee boss, you really are a schmuck." he does it in a way that is so far over "boss's" little pea brain that he doesn't even realize the insult for days.
This is why we enjoy TV so much. It's great to watch the snappy come-back that took the writers three days to come up with.
I do wish I always had that snappy come-back.
And NO, you did not roll your eyes or sigh heavily. What you did was think, "I really wish this guy would plan better." and then go off and do his work.
At my office, we politely call those people "puffy". It's our politically correct term for "pussy!"
Go ahead. Call him puffy to his face. He'll never understand. :)
Oh joy, you've given me a smile about the dark powers that rule... HA HA HA puffy?! I'll be thinking it today. That's "Mr." Puffy...
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