Therapy. Is it because I'm nuts or is it making me nuts? That's the question here.
Once every other week or so I spend an hour of my life with an absolutely lovely woman. We chat. We discuss. We attempt to gain some perspective about what ails me emotionally.
Each time I leave I feel a little bit better. Like I can take on the world afterall.
I think, I should really write down what we talked about so I don't forget it.
And then yesterday happened.
Some sort of...epiphany. An icky epiphany.
I don't disbelieve what she alluded to. In fact, I'm certain that she's on the right track. I also feel I might be in a bit of denial.
Here's the gist.
Hello. My name is Aggie and I am an Addict.
I am addicted to crisis.
I worry. Not about me but about everyone around me and then about me. I live my whole life in a state of "waiting for the other shoe to drop". If no shoe is currently dropping, I am confused and concerned and I begin looking for who has the shoe.
I didn't realize I did this, but to hear it from someone's mouth sure made it feel real.
Oddly, it all ties back to the kidney stones. Let's assume they are a manifestation of crisis. The crisis of my best friend came up and then this came up just after. This crisis happened to counter the one I could not control.
What is life like without crisis? I find that I really don't know.
Isn't that odd?
Well fine. I am an Addict and I am now in recovery. I will learn to stop waiting for the shoe to drop. Maybe when I do, stone #3 will just be gone.
Happy Thursday.
6 comments:
There are millions of women worldwide who are worried about nothing special just for the sake of being worried. It's in the back of our spine...something that we partly inherit from our mothers. Then if you have a personality where you get easily worked up about things, it doesn't help much.
For the sake of what happened during the past 6 months or so I don't think it's that strange if you worry about that other shoe. A lot of crises tend to make us take them for granted and the "normal" life where happiness and peace lives feels very far off.
But I can relate to a life filled with crises and I know what it's like to know more about how you handle a situation like that, than how you handle a peaceful day or week. You need to learn how to be happy :hugs: If you can find the manual for that one, let me know will ya?
Happy Thursday :D
Testing 1-2-3
Wrote you the longest comment, and it wouldn't publish (though that could have been a sign) though I tried many a time. Have visions of 5-6 suddenly showing up later.
Anyway, testing...
Hmm, okay, that worked, let's try again.
Hello Aggie.
I diagnosed myself with this very addiction and I have a nonsense theory about why, that I am almost too embarassed to share, in fact I know I am - in detail anyway. The essence of it I guess is, people live on different emotional planes, eg some are 'calm', whilst others are swirling, drowning almost in a sea of impressions, thoughts and feelings - all that stuff needs an outlet,
so getting right in the middle of a crisis where emotions are running high provides that arena, to run on that high level openly -
of course this is most likely nonsense and even if it is not in relation to why I always seem to be in the middle of someone else's crisis when not in one of my own, it likely has nothing to do with why you are admitting such an addiction - plus I think I have gone off on a different subject without properly realizing it, projection perhaps.
...yikes, to publish or not to publish...
One more thing, it has nothing to do, again in my humble, unknowing, tentative opinion, with not knowing how to be happy or even with not wanting to be happy as some might think - really it's about not being able to be completely happy, if everyone else is not happy also.
I've just revealed what a nut I am, what nutty thoughts I have anyway, never mind, eh :-D
Christa,I have to agree. I think it might very well be "ingrained" in the female psyche. Well, those of us with psychies anyway. LOL
I know that my mother is a worrier and a caretaker. My sister is as well. So, of course, why wouldn't I be?
I don't think that I make things bigger than they really are, except to get amusement from them. (exaggeration) But I do find myself thinking "who's going to die next" and "it's only a matter of time til this car breaks down". Things like that. I want to prevent these things...as if I could.
I'm looking for the happy book. Something deep inside of me keeps saying "you don't have to fret so much. You can just enjoy now." but that seriously contradicts worrying and I've got to figure out how to turn the worrier off.
Autumn, Like my profile says "constantly looking for absolution". You've clearly offered that up to me. Thanks. :D hee hee
I am horribly bad about LOOKING for the next crisis. There has to be a better outlet. It doesn't seem that the blogosphere is it (for me at least) because here I can log crisis after crisis.
I'm sure this is a learned behavior, so there must be an alternative.
I'm glad you published. Particularly this part: not knowing how to be happy or even with not wanting to be happy as some might think - really it's about not being able to be completely happy, if everyone else is not happy also.
Therein lies the secret to setting the boundaries, doesn't it? How do I just let others be unhappy? Aren't we supposed to support each other emotionally? Don't we all need that?
So anyway, if you are nuts, so am I. Welcome to Loonyville. Come on in the water's fine. hahaha.
Thanks for taking the time to think this through with me. :D
"Aren't we supposed to support each other emotionally?"
Absolutely and as you say it is about the setting of boundaries - I could find stuff to worry myself silly about constantly, stuff that has happened and the effects it has, stuff that might happen (that's the worst one, what a rediculous waste of time, but I absolutely get what you mean about being 'prepared') and then, if there is nothing going on in our own personal circle, there is the rest of the world to worry about - there are always going to be problems and there are always going to be people hurting, the trick I guess is to find the balance, be aware of other people but not let it ruin whatever happiness, joyful moments we can lay your hands on - I'm getting really good at this, it's actually much easier than one might imagine. Whatever is going on close or far.
All those cliches come to mind like
'no use crying over spilt milk'
'bolting the door after the horse has fled'
'no use worrying about the things we cannot change'
'shit happens'
'it may never happen'
'it could be worse'
'live for today'
'enjoy the moment'
and all the rest...
an addiction, yes, a habit, yes - but it is so very obviously because you care about what is going on around you, you care whether everyone is okay or not and that is not what you are wanting to get rid of -
but it is exhausting and stressful and unnecessary to worry about what might never happen (we all do it sometimes) and really we should just stop ourselves whenever we do that - basically from your post, you do that too much, worry about what might never happen, 'always waiting for the other shoe to drop' - the shoe will of course drop sometimes, but (and I seem to be babbling without being able to stop now) not everytime and that's where focus needs to go (I guess - excuse me if I am going on too much, not least if none of it applies to you) - last one/good motto:
'I'll cross that bridge when and if I get to it'
Autumn, I am so glad you jumped up here on my crazy wagon. I think you've made some sense of things that I couldn't.
When the idea was first brought up "crisis addiction" I realized that I can chronicle the last 12 yrs of my life BACKWARD. All I have to do is write down the most recent crisis, then the one before that, then the one before that.
I also realized two things: 1) Small crisis didn't make the list (like car break downs and daily bs) and 2) MOST of the crisis is not mine.
'no use worrying about the things we cannot change'
That seems the be the theme I want to stick to. You're right that there is too much unnecessary worry. Worry is a waste.
I guess "supporting each other" can happen without worry. Right?
I think I'll make a study of people with healthy boundaries. This could be a very interesting process.
Thanks again for your words. Deep and thoughtful and medicine for the soul. :)
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