Happy Halloweeeeeeeennn

Monday's turn....

Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience.
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one.
-Albert Einstein

The only people to get even with are those who have helped you.
-Anonymous

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
- Buddha.

Mediator

Main Entry: 2me·di·ate
Pronunciation: 'mE-dE-"At
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
Etymology: Medieval Latin mediatus, past participle of mediare, from Late Latin, to be in the middle, from Latin medius middle
transitive verb
1 a : to bring accord out of by action as an intermediary b : to effect by action as an intermediary
2 a : to act as intermediary agent in bringing, effecting, or communicating : CONVEY b : to transmit as intermediate mechanism or agency
intransitive verb
1 : to interpose between parties in order to reconcile them
2 : to reconcile differences

I believe that the first year of loss is the most difficult. I believe that everyone grieves differently and on an entirely different timescale as another might grieve the same loss. I believe that no loss is greater than another; every loss is entire to the individual left behind...left alive.

I believe that loss and grieving changes us in ways we had no idea we could change. I believe that change comes gradually...and yet, it comes constantly. Some changes are for the better. Some changes are much worse.
I believe grief over-rides patience. That is one consistency I see in all of us.
We have less patience for each other.
I believe loss makes us selfish, even if for only a time. Suddenly our world revolves around us - our loss - our emotions - our ability or inability to cope with every little thing.
I believe that loss confuses reason. It blows up our emotions and makes us incapable of realizing the affect we have on others.

I believe it makes us very sad.

I believe that loss takes all of the puzzle pieces of our lives and throws them to the wind for us to find again and put them back. I believe we never find them all and when we do, they don't fit where they were before.

I believe we love each other as much but we want each other to see our pain instead of feel their own. Misery/company etc.

I wish (but I no longer believe in wishes).
I wish we could stop over-emoting and start understanding. I wish we could put patience and sympathy before anything we want. I wish we could love unconditionally, like we're supposed to. Like we do but we don't express anymore.
I wish we could all step back and accept that we are cracked and bruised and aching and full of fear for our own futures.

I wish. I try.
I see us falling apart.
I can't stop it. I can't mediate.

But tomorrow things will be different. I wait for tomorrow and I pray.

How to fall asleep?

I have a question. I've had it for ages and asked it a few times. It seems the function of "going" to sleep is a very individual thing. It may speak directly to the core of our individuality actually.

How do you go to sleep?
To be very direct, what does your brain do just before you slip out of consciousness?
You've had a good day. Nothing extraordinary has happened. There is no stress pending the sunrise. (It's a Saturday night and all you did was yardwork or something all day.)
It's 11pm. You click off Saturday Night Live, roll over, get in your comfy position and then...what happens inside your brain?

It seems an odd thing to ask but can be difficult to answer. The idea is so foreign to some that I've had the response "I don't understand what you mean." This comes from a person who closes their eyes and simultaneously begins to snore. This is not a blessing I've ever had.

My answer: Yes, the day plays in my head and sometimes other scenarioes of myself having productive discussions with other people - but - those scenarioes will not allow me to sleep. I must pretend. I must mentally project myself OUT of my own world. I must imagine myself elsewhere and generally with people I do not know. I suppose it is "fantasy" that gets me to sleep. I must do it though. Every night. Without fail. Not to do so means not to sleep.

How do you go to sleep?

Love and warm hugs to all of you. Sorry for my absence. I seem to be on a two week post schedule lately.

Trying to catch up (a.k.a the superlong post from hell)

Yes. The new cats have taken over the house. They have broken us down to our most basic selves and built us back up as their slaves. We now, joyfully, provide every amenity of comfort at all times.
In return, they make silly meowing noises at random times (this keeps us on our toes) and they occasionally pounce a toy to see if we'll come running and, once again, emit coos while repeating "isn't that the cutest thing"?
It's all very embarrassing.
Momma Kitty says "Pthththththt!"


My best friend was approved to volunteer at Baylor Children's Hospital. This is supposed to be theraputic. I'll leave it at that.
Otherwise, she's doing fairly well.

My hubby went to Albuquerque to visit his brother and new neice. His parents flew there from North Carolina so it was a pretty good get-together. The only downside is the very recent diagnosis of my hubby's father's bladder cancer. He's quite uncomfortable and a plan of attack has yet to be determined. However, his father is an amazingly upbeat person so I have a great deal of hope.

Mom's doing fairly well. My sister is now 7 months re-pregnant. We will have a new girl in the family in January. Nora Beth. I'm excited. We all are.
This will be the sister of that little boy I keep posting...and, of course, I just did again. Can you believe those curls? I'm such a proud aunt.

Also, if anyone can translate this:

...it would be greatly appreciated. I've looked everywhere trying. We were told that the top symbols meant "Endurance" and the bottom one "Justice". We now think it was something entirely different. They were Jessica's tatoos. Her mother wants to get them now...but not without knowing what they really mean.

Finally, I did a quick look back. October 18th, 2005 - one year ago....oblivion. It seems like a minute ago and a century ago. It's a good feeling to look back at that. Good and bittersweet. Oh, to be that child again. The one in the picture and the one who was looking at the picture.

Peace, love, hope, happiness and FREE HUGS to every one of you. I hope this post finds you in a comfortably bored place in life. :) There's a helluva lot to say for comfortable boredom. Don't ever take a good rut for granted.
Aggie

WedgieDay

Happy WedgieDay


(Marking the events of my life: There are a great many mysteries surrounding Jessica's death. Lies that have been exposed. Odd questions that may forever go unanswered. The life of a teen/young adult is frought with drama and secrets.
How we wish she were here now to clear all of this up.
Will there ever be closure for her mother? I do not know.
I have learned that acceptance is open to translation. One accepts...but not that the person is gone. One accepts that one lives on. That is all.)

Happy Wednesday(Wedgieday) to all.

Time?

Where does all the time go?
It seems I've been running at 100mph since the kitten came into our lives. Every moment is; clean a litter box, change a food or water bowl, play with me! play with me!.

In between I'm trying to get dressed for work, buy groceries, cook dinner, fix/eat breakfast, watch a show that I recorded on TiVo because I didn't have time to watch it before.
The morning begins and suddenly it's time for bed again. The days are full.

I want to finish my computer game (final level of Unreal II), finish one of the books I started, chat online, open my e-mails (I'm constantly behind), catch up with bloggers, check on Rik Emmett, watch all of my new Green Day DVD, watch those recorded shows before next weeks shows get recorded too. I need to go to the bank, go to the gas station, go to the store. I never seem to have time.

Of course, I don't blame kitties. I'm glad kitties are here. I just haven't worked them into my schedule quite yet. I can't ignore them and that little one defines cat-nap. She only sleeps for an hour at a time. She's a ball of energy bouncing on my head.
Right now, she wants to play with my fingers because they're clicking on the keyboard. Must be something fun there. LOL

Ah well...maybe Saturday.....I just never know.
Love and hugs.

12 days later

How busy I have been.
Calico still has no real name. She's Leetle Kitty (a.k.a. Momma Kitty, Schitzo, Sybil).
Speaking of Mommas...my very own Momma came to visit. We had a wonderful time. We were so busy though. Lots of shopping and eating. A little movie watching and visiting.

Mom rode up with my cousin on 9/7 and flew home on 9/10. That's significant because this was my mother's very first plane ride. She liked the flying part. She wasn't comfortable though. It takes a while, I guess, to learn all the nuances of "comfortable" plane seating....if there is such a thing. Air vents, pillows, reclining chairs, window shades etc.
Also, she flew on a small jet. Those are such a pain. I hope she'll fly with me sometime in a big plane to some wonderful destination.

Then, on 9/14 Mishu came home. Mishu is one of Momma Kitty's babies. Momma Kitty recognized Mishu right away. Mishu did not recognize Momma though. Instead, Mishu got all pissy and hissed and smacked at Momma. What a tude for an animal that doesn't even weigh a full pound yet. LOL

By Saturday, Mishu had given in to all the licking and loving and playing and now they're happy campers.

I had forgotten how much energy kittens have. OMG that is the bounciest critter.

So anyway, they're keeping us awake and we're trying to teach them when to eat and sleep and cut us some slack.

Neither one of them like PoohCat...but Pooh is very old and very diabetic and nearly blind so I think he doesn't care. He lives in the bedroom and never comes out. He's our night-time baby.

Aside from the above insantiy, all is well....as well as can be anyway.

My best friend is going through stages. She has much professional theraputic help...which is very very good because I sure didn't have it in me to walk through this process again. I keep watching and hoping. It's all we can do.

Much love to all of you. Thank you for checking back with me during my droning absence.

Oh, one more thing...I turned 39 for the first time yesterday. Woohooo. :D

A Cat With No Name

Hullo. I'm the one they call "the new cat". This is a picture of me, napping. I nap a lot. I generally stop napping when they turn out all the lights. Oooo...I like the dark.

The people here can't figure out my name. They keep saying it will come to them but it has been 5 days and they're still calling me "Little Kitty". How silly.
I've got a very sweet disposition...unless you bring that upstairs cat down. Then I'll throw a hissy-fit. (literally)

I understand that I'm very amusing to the people. I don't see what's so funny. I'm just honing my hunting skills. When I was a stray, I hunted all the time; and bunnies move a lot faster than this silly catnip mouse. I really do like the catnip though.

The people seem to be amused by my tongue. Yes, I clean A LOT but it's next to godliness and must be done. So what if my tongue sticks out when I stop. Sometimes that tongue needs a break. It's hefty work licking an entire cat.

Ok, I'm going to turn off the computer. They don't know yet that I surf the net when they're away. All I need now is a credit card and that 20 foot post is mine, all mine!

Oh, my new Mommy wants to know a foreign name for tongue. (a female foreign name)
I think she wants to name me that. ACK. The lady is crazy.

Buh-bye

Reasons to Live

The summertime smell of freshly mowed grass.

The scent of rain blowing in on the wind.

The velvet softness of a baby's scalp.

The hush of the year's first snowfall.

The overjoyed smile of someone you haven't seen in a long time.

Mom's chocolate pie.

An inside joke with someone you love that makes you both laugh out loud every time you say it.

Quiet candle light time when the power's out.

The middle of a good book with a page-turner plot.

Sharing secrets with someone who gets you.

Misty sunrise on a lake in the fall.

Great Blue Herons in flight.

Baby birds just learning to fly but still squeaking for Mom.

Brand new kittens/puppies and great old pets.

A tearjerker movie with a happy ending.

A compliment from a complete stranger.

The way that baby wraps you around his/her finger just by smiling.

Christmas decorations and the smell of pine.


These are things I want to see, smell, hear, feel again in this life. These are reasons to live.
Please add to the list with reckless abandon.

8-13-06 The End

How to start? More importantly, how to stop.

When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.

First, I am not in a bad place emotionally...at the moment. I'm actually doing quite well lately. I think we (my family and I) are turning a corner of acceptance. Mom's doing ok. My sister's doing ok. Today is ok. I feel balance returning.

But...

There's always a "but" isn't there?

Back on March 13th I told the story of my best friend and her daughter. The daughter had come to that typical impass of child/adult growing. The one where she rebels against everything in an attempt to become an independent...a grown up. The one where Mom and daughter butt heads in the extreme.
Most every girl goes through this with her Mother at some point. I did anyway.
For those two, it didn't go well. They have since been on the way to recovering.
BUT...

...Tomorrow, August 14th, I will see my best friend for the first time since my father's funeral. I will see her at her daughter's funeral.
Jess's self-pity led to drug use. Drug use took her life Friday night.

I absolutely ache for the pain her mother is about to experience. (shock is the current emotion)
I ache because I know.
I hate that she and I now have this in common.

...Jess has lived a great deal of her life in a state of self-pity. A trait she learned from her mother.
I have been separating myself from them emotionally due to my own situation. For the first time in 12yrs, I stepped away to let them find their own ground.

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before.

I shouldn't have stepped back. I should have jumped in with both feet and forced that kid to love us back. My father would have locked me in a room until I accepted that he was doing it out of love.
Instead, I let her go. We all let her go.
I am wiser now.
Too late again.

Peace and love to all of you. Who is the person you're at odds with that you wish you weren't? Undo that. Undo it today. Be the one to give in first. Just say "I love you." and let it get better. Make it better.
Tomorrow is too late.

PS - My posts will be limited. They've been barely here for a while now anyway.
I feel it is absolutely wrong for me to dump so much negative emotional trauma on a group of kind friends and strangers. That's no way for me to better the world. I cannot justify smudging it in this ugliness. SO - I will post happy, good things when I find them. Don't think I'm not happy if I'm not posting...I just haven't had time is all. I'm working very hard to find peace. When I do, I promise to share it. :)

Love love love to each of you.
Thank you for kindness and tolerance and 10pm moon viewing. ;)

August 7th, 2006

Yes, the song's still playing...and this piccie works just fine with that. :D

Happy Monday...and week...
....until I get back here...HUGS!

Dance if you feel the urge....

For me and Oliviah. :)

Blue Man Group - I Feel Love

Animusic

Wednesday, August 8th, 2005

"Hi Dad. I recorded this show and I want you to see it. I know you're going to love it. It's called Animusic. It's all this computer generated animation set to music. There's one with all these.....well balls. The balls hit cymbals and drums and stings to make the notes. It's so complex though. It's just incredible!
I'll put it on video and bring it down so we can watch it."

Click Here to See Animusic Show

We never got to watch it together.
I can't bring myself to delete it off of Tivo.

It's pretty incredible though, huh?

Troutday

RAINBOW

TROUT


Happy Rainbow Trout-day

7-26-06

7-24-06 ticky tocky

What we were before we aren't now.
What we are now we won't be tomorrow.
The pendulum swings....ticky tocky, ticky tocky.

We could be anything...any minute.
Healed, hurt, hero, hemorraged.
Anything at all...and then something else entirely.

Do not try to follow along. It will only make you dizzy.

7-24-06

I opened my spam e-mail this morning and I found this:

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.-Ralph Waldo Emerson

...and I'm all "c'mere Ralph Waldo Emerson! I'm gonna kick yer arse til you fall and can't rise anymore." Apparently Ralphie-boy hasn't met the women in my family. Luck is not our strong suit lately. That "rising" thing isn't really working for us and the falling thing is getting way redundant. I wonder what made Ralphie so danged optimistic!

Oh wait, positive thoughts....happy thoughts...

Sometime...in the way distant future...my family will be stronger and better because of the bull-pucky we've been through this year. Yes. We will.
Sometime.
In the future.
Way distant.
Fast forward please.

7-24-2006 I've gone a little "Patsy Cline"

"It is not I who is crazy?
It is I who is MAD."
Ren Hoek

I do believe:
I've got toys in the attic.
I've got bats in the belfry.
The lights are on but nobody is home.
My elevator doesn't reach top floor.
I took a trip around the bend.
I'm dipping into the squirrel stash.
I'm nutty as a fruitcake.
I'm mad as a hatter.
I'm not playing with a full deck.
I've got a few screws loose.
I fell completely out of my tree.
I lost all my marbles.
I've started howling at the moon.
I have a straightjacket in every color.

I've cracked, bent, gone spacey, noodled out, twisted off and I am most definitely certifiably insane in the membrane.
I'm tripping billies.
I'm one taco shy of a combo plate.
I'm queer as a football bat.
I have gone all Patsy Cline and I don't think I'm coming back.

Welcome to Wackjob City; population: ME!

Yeah, that might be a little too "happy".

7-24-06 HAPPY!

That's it.
I've had it.
There will be only happy thoughts from now on.
There will be no death. There will be no divorce. There will be no betrayal. There will be no sadness or crying or broken dreams. No more.
ONLY HAPPINESS DAMMIT! ONLY HAPPINESS!!!

Think of it as an experiment. Will happy thoughts actually bring happiness?
I don't know.