To be fair, it isn't even 7a.m. yet so I guess I shouldn't expect much.
Anyway, Trée do you remember one of your posts from a year or so ago that asked something like "Can you last a day without thinking ill of anyone."
Of course, it sounded much more eloquent when you said it.
The point is that I remember it and I've gotten way off that track and I'm working hard to get back to it.
I find it interesting that I am one thing on this blog and slightly another in "reality". I think you all see more of me than the outward world. Isn't that odd?
But I have changed in the last year. There was a time when I was so very empathetic to everyone around me that it actually made me ill from worry. I had to learn to moderate that...but in doing so I slipped a bit too far.
Someone I know told me of a tragedy that befell her many years ago. She is merely an acquaintance, and the telling was not in response to anything I said...she just put it out there. I suppose the anniversary of the event is coming up.
I find her to be a very negative person overall...constantly seeking "the dirt" on someone or sharing reasons to be angry.
I have HUGE walls up when she comes around.
Regardless, I would have shown some sort of sympathy regarding her tragedy. Instead I just got offended. "Too much information" I thought.
And then I thought "what a horrible thing for me to think".
She's a nice girl...just doing the best she can. She searches for something/someone to be mad about because it fills some kind of need in her.
I won't do it again. I will care instead.
I think, in trying to become a better person, I have to ask myself "Who do I NOT want to be?"
I do not want to be uncaring.
I do not want to be negative.
I do not want to be unkind.
What do you not want to be?
8 comments:
Christa dear, your blog is on the blink. I went running across the ocean today to see you and ran into a blue screen that says "forbidden".
How dare that blue screen.
I do hope you're well.
Missing you much.
Aggie, very insightful post today. So much to think about in your writing. I do remember my post on Ahimsa. Such a simple concept, just do no harm in thought or words, just for one day. Hard to do. Emotions come and go. Our mind likes to work off assumptions with no grounding in fact. We constantly project yet don't see that is what we are indeed doing. Many times we act as the judge, jury and executioner and the person we have tried and convicted never even knew they had been on trial. Then we dig our heels in to prove our case, we must be right, our pride demands it, our ego crys out for justice. We tend to roll in the mud of victimhood like a pig in the barnyard. Feels good in the moment but makes such a mess of ourselves and everything we come in contact with. I have no idea why I'm writing all this for this post. You just got me thinking--thinking what is really in my heart, thinking why I do what I do, what my motivation is, what I want to accomplish in my relationships.
I'm listening to Michael Stipes "In the Sun" all six versions on the Sing for Gulf Coast Relief album. Here are the lyrics:
In the Sun
"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake
May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you
’cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You
I don’t know anymore
What it’s for
I’m not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
’cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you’re not even sure what it’s for
Any more than me
May god’s love be with you
Always
May god’s love be with you"
Aggie, may god's love be with you.
:-D 4th or 5th time, I'm back to comment on this one - for some reason, I cannot word what I want to say, lol, highly stressful day and I'm completely beat, as good an excuse as any ;).
I recall the Ahimsa post very well, thought-provoking - as is yours today.
I wanted to say something along the lines of a continual effort to become better people is the admirable trait, we will all make mistakes, anger, pride, etc will get in the way of the best way forward, but so long as we realize it (then or later) and try to do better next time, then I think, we can think of ourselves as 'good' people.
Ah, well, that's as good as its gonna get tonight, hope I at least make some sense.
Hope you have a beautiful day, much love, x
Trée, that was beautiful and perfect.
I'll have to buy the album because I don't have the ability to download music...but I love Michael Stipe and I can think of a million places in my life (and others) where those lyrics fit.
do no harm in thought or words
Ahimsa. I'm going to buy a whole book on Ahimsa...and meditate and practice and get back to good.
I am usually ok in words but not so great in thoughts. (Cynical nature)
I failed miserably on this today. I put a person on the line because they irritated me. A person who doesn't entirely deserve such.
I told a "secret" that may hurt her later. To be clear, she tells her "secrets" to just about everyone...but I let slip regardless and only out of my own frustration.
I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how to take it back or make it right. Sigh.
Autumn, so sorry that you're beat. I hope you get some rest. I sure understand the stressful days. You know I wish for easier ones soon for you and your honey.
"continual effort to become better people is the admirable trait....etc"
'good' people...I wholly understand and agree with your words. I guess I'm fearing time.
I want to be a 'good' person NOW, and retroactively even. (hah)
Regrets and mortality. I know you understand.
"so long as we realize it and try to do better next time". I am blessed with self awareness (many are not) and I am blessed with supportive friends. I have hope.
White roses of hope. :)
Such a wonderful post. I think we all have negative traits about us certainly. But they don't make up who we are as a whole...and you are wonderful.
As for what I want...i want to get over this freakin' writer's block in my head. :0(
Ok so...what do you not want to be...this is a killer question and post...I just wish you'd written it on Friday. I'd have the weekend to ponder. I think I'll do that.
Also, if you need to put up walls when with someone, maybe that someone should be told. Hurt it might, but it could be excellent feedback, hence learning for her.
BTW: This is one of your best posts and the graphic resonates.
Linny?? A loss for words? Oh no. Surely there is something to ponder?
they don't make up who we are as a whole That's a very good point. Maybe I don't give myself enought credit.
Rupen, I feel honored by your compliments. Thank you so much.
I've often wondered what the world would be like if we simply said the truth instead of the little white lie of avoidance. Since I cannot really work out the appropriate "middle ground" of that concept, I just remain silent.
Should someone tell the girl she crosses lines? Sure. Should I be the one? Not if I can't do it with compassion.
Also, life does teach us if we're willing to learn. I just don't know if she's a "willing to learn" type.
Please feel free to take the weekend. I look forward to your thoughts on the subject.
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