9-27-05 Conundrum

a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem

It is not necessary for you to read this or to respond to it. I just need to get this out. The reason for posting it will become glaringly obvious by the time I'm through....not that anyone should read that far down.

I got a job offer via e-mail. Someone found a resume online that I posted last year when I was between jobs. The offer was for a logistics coordinator position. This is a position for which I am qualified, if not entirely over-qualified.
I responded to the offer. I forwarded my resume. I noted my qualifications and discussed my expectations. I actually began planning how I would go about the interview.
This is rediculous because I like my job. I like it a lot. I like that it is not logistics. I like that work no longer follows me home or interrupts my sleep.
But....the past few months have been painfully difficult. The job I have pays very low. I knew that going in. It was a trade off. Less money, more life.
But that e-mail...I saw dollar signs. I saw a way out of debt. I saw savings and a future. I am so very, very conflicted.
What I wanted was someone to talk it over with. What I got was a lot of cold responses and cruel advice. From my husband I got "Whatever!" which sounded a lot more like a dare than any form of empathy. From my mother I got "Maybe you should go back to it. You were good at it." No consideration for the pain it caused me.

In the end I blew off the offer. I told her I wanted more money than I knew she could offer. I was right and now it's over.

But I am so very sad. I feel so empty and alone.
All I wanted was an objective opinion. Someone I could talk it over with.
The truth is that I knew the answer anyway. I just have so much I need to talk about.
I just wish I had one friend I could sit and have a beer with and talk about...conundrums.
I do not.
It's been a very very long time since I have.

The scars are souvenirs you'll never lose

The past is never far

And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?

Did you get to be a star?

And don't it make you sad to know that lifeIs more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast

Now there's nothing to believe

And re-runs all become our history

A tired song keeps playin on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name...

And I won't tell em your name

I won't tell em your name...

I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time

But I don't need the same...

It's lonely where you are, come back down

And I won't tell em your name